new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, nice of you to pop in!

I hope LM is doing okay?
You too ofcourse!
Blowing kisses to Puffballs lol.

I'm good.
Psych friend called today. We caught up on "stuff".
She's going thru the transitioning of a break up last year so yeah.

I could speak with her more openly about all the tremendously deep processing I had to do today.
She added the power of the equinox lol and it has these kinds of "pulls" on us.

I talked about the choices I have on a day to day basis of how much to give or not to the troubled family.
That my family and my self come first at all times.

And some times I will want to be with T and her family.
Remember that T has terminal cancer and has not told any one else this.
They knew she had cancer but are now in denial I think.

So I take time to grieve the loss of her in my life, after over a 50y friendship.

It's important for ME to be there for her, I don't want any regrets that I can prevent after she passes.
Plus maintaining my close relationships with her 3 young adult children is VERY important to me. Vitally so.

Psych friend said they take respite in me sticking up for them.
Having their backs. Being in their corner.

It's complicated. Hard to explain.

I spoke with BF too today. He helped me thru some tough work stuff.
Looks like I'm in one of those awful roles of being drawn into "workplace efficiency" measures for 2 others soon.
It's challenging for me to negotiate being in this position.
BUT as much as I care for my colleagues, the clients COME FIRST.

Always have always will.

Tomorrow morning I've decided to take over a more directive role to SUPPORT these 2 colleagues in a pretty big hurry to change their practices.
They stand losing their jobs if they don't but they don't realise this yet.

I've been more of a gentle mentor previously.
Now to negotiate the tight rope of telling them what to change, because it's darned OBVIOUS to me!
And doing that respectfully and with a modicum of compassion for them and full compassion for clients and their families.

It was reported to me late Fri afternoon, that the ONLY time these 2 "behave themselves" is when I'm with them.

WOAH.

BF said "Oh so they KNOW what they're doing... etc".
Bolt of lightning for me, his comments.

Work tomorrow - a very different EM!
That's not happening on my watch or even when I'm NOT watching.

I expect a LOT more. We ALL DO.

Do Joe Dispenza's "Becoming Supernatural" lol meditation lulled me to sleep this arv. Nice.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: healthy detachment, loving and accepting myself.

The journey I've been on has reached a new level.

I'm finally realising so much about myself, why I do and say things, where I'm placed in my relationships and I really love where I am atm.

I've had a re-birth of my own perception of my self.
My thought processes are lighter and "cleaner" - can't think of another way to describe that... just not polluted as they were.

It's a really cool place to be.

I feel free and unburdened.

I can see all those teachers who gave me light bulb moments, paradigm shifts... bit by bit for so many decades and wow I LOVE being this age!!

TODAY marks a new beginning for me. I'm really happy. Feeling joyful and excited for this moment.

I washed 3 loads of dishes tonight and did every movement with JOY!
I remembered the Satyananda Yoga teacher who showed me how to do all these tasks with joy and gratitude and was thankful for her. And smiled.

I'm looking forward to cleaning up everywhere after the rain and bought a NEW shovel to do so... with JOY! I'm excited and so grateful for the opportunity.

I'm constantly visualising me on my new surf board and wetsuit, riding those waves, yay! I'm grateful for my God given Podiatrist for guiding me to heal my feet, legs and entire body with her incredible direction. I no longer need surgeries. More importantly, I can wear a leg rope now....omg so excited. LOL!

I booked a hairdressing appt for later in the week and am changing my hair completely... I want my natural curls to be loved and appreciated. I need an easy care style for after surfing lol. 😉

My daughters and sons are loving their bodies!
I got rid of that toxic diet garbage drilled into me by mother to free the next generation.
They're beautiful JUST the way they are as are every one of us.

I went to phone a long lost person in my life over the weekend and even though she's a 'clinical psychologist' now I realised she's been a toxic influence in my life and the lives of my children... Alexa mentioned her after I thought of her and said so herself. SNAP.
Maintaining nc and so happy with that!

Cutting those ties and WANTING to have them remain that way for my own personal freedom is next level. It feels GOOD.

Zero toxic rants yay lol.
Replaced with space for love, appreciation, gratitude, FREEDOM, calm, happiness, more love lol. JOY!

Love to you all
EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Wow sounds like you're in a beautiful space. Good on you for continueing to self care, and support yourself, esp after supporting your friends family. Sorry to hear about the rain collecting in buckets- our whole house feels damp, so I can just imagine real water dripping, adding to that.

Em, I can really hear the pain of you losing that huge loving family. You know that I get it. It's hard, and not for one minute would I suggest that others can replace them. But sometimes I get this perspective, like from a step waaay back, and it looks to me like, yep, there is a plan, and maybe it's not my plan, or maybe it doesn't always make sense to me, but occasionally things click into place, for the greater good.

So I see for my life, that the fallout from my foo family's disfunction ( and I include myself in that, becos I didn't know any better) is that I essentially lose my extended family, and really, one of my kids too. My other kid loses her cousins, mostly, and close connections with Aunty, Uncle, Grandparents ( we keep touch but not close) However she also gains through this. She gains an unpolluted view of herself and the world. She doesn't have to live with seeing me upset, put down, disrespected. We don't have to be on the defensive, we can choose the ppl in our lives. And we can choose to support other ppl with our time. And maybe those other ppl we support really need us, in a way our family doesn't. Maybe the divine plan, if you believe in such things, takes into account the motherless, the friendless, the lonely and forgotten. And maybe it's like scrabble. When we only focus on the word we can't find room for on the board, we miss the word that is just right for the space we have.

I would never have chosen this, but seeing as thats the way others want to play, then there is an upside to it.

Today me and mine played scrabble while the rain fell. When she grows up, I hope she'll remember how much we love her and accept, exactly the way she is. And then she can pass that freedom on to her kids, her community. Just like you are doing Em.

It still chews me out at times. You know it.

It also gives me a freedom to be me. truly me.

I also loved that interview with Dr Edith Egar- what an amazing woman! So strong! Such a passion for understanding. and sharing that.

Love = time. Absolutely.

Love

J*

PS love the sound of your natural curls springing out! Yay!

You ARE beautiful!

💚

[ecomama]

Hey J*, yep in a beautiful space with BEAUTIFUL people like you!!

lol. My post froze up bec my Counsellor phoned for our appt (I totally forgot about today ugh), so version number 2!

Just got my extra exercise in by going WAY down the back yard to find our Green Bin, then pulling it all the way to the road up a STEEP block and when I got to the top, I heard a "slosh" and thought You have GOT to be kidding! It's got water in it????
Yep it had Lord knows how much water in it which = ALOT.
I drained it and gosh.

Yes I'm really good tbh.
My Counsellor said I sounded really great, so that's a bonus.
I share alot with her about what I learnt and WHERE I learnt it from... and she told me the loveliest thing!
That the "Thanking fear for trying to keep me safe" thing is something she's shared with almost every client she's had in the past 2 weeks awww! Isn't that sweet?

I also spoke with her about my take on "Thanking anger" why not hey? lol.

Bec years ago I read that depression can be suppressed anger over a long time.
When I read that, I wondered what I was angry about and WHO I was angry with.
I worked hard in the garden getting my anger out about the ppl who were no longer in my life...but the ppl who WERE in my life, I addressed directly over time.

I decided I'd rather be angry for xxxx long, till it was OUT.
Than feel depressed and not truly understand why. Sure there were obvious reasons.
And then some.

Well the work situation with that person, is coming to a crucial point.
She's taken leave all week so far.
Even the person replacing her can't do the job. The replacement is pulling her hair out.
Hmmm.

Anyway I'm feeling settled about it all at the moment.
Kind of knowing there are consequences for actions.

How are you doing?
I must pop into your thread and see!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yep, LM is doing better in general, though I know he misses me and puffballs. He discovered a feather from Sir Pecks among the meds he brought with him, today...

I'll be sure to pass on your kisses to puffballs. They're so soft, I love giving them kisses. 🙂

I'm glad you could talk in such depth with your psych friend - it's important to be able to do that. I certainly understand the tricky balance of supporting others whilst not doing so to the detriment of yourself and your family. I think you have a really good understanding of where that line is for you. I also understand what being able to be there means to you for yourself. You are very self aware and I'd say better than you think you are at explaining where you're at.

Sorry to hear you're in the position you are, at work. That said, if these people aren't pulling their weight and putting the best interest of the clients first, then that's a big problem. Your job isn't like mine, I'll annoy someone if they get a red apple instead of a green one or whatever, but dealing with disability services is life-changing. It needs to be handled with skill and care. If anyone can shape up these employees, it's you (you'd be more diplomatic than I would, I don't doubt). I hope it goes okay (though I'm getting the impression one of them hasn't been present, which makes it rather tricky...). BF is right, they clearly know what they should be doing, and what is missing from their performance when you're not there.

Despite everything going on, it sounds like you're doing really well in general. You're a trooper.

Definitely agree with you about depression being suppressed anger. Mine hit largely when I didn't have an outlet for my anger. It was during the time with my ex, trying to forgive work through stuff, knowing he was afraid of my anger (though I seldom directed it at him, though he kinda deserved it for what he did). LM is wary of my anger too, and I never direct it at him. Bit hazy on how to get it out in healthy ways, to be honest, I don't have time for gardening! (Though I do actually enjoy it, and it's good for me - go figure.) Any pointers you've got, I'm listening.

Kind thoughts to you, and a song from puffballs.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue! Kind thoughts to you too and ofcourse extended healing thoughts to LM and lots of fluffy kisses to Puffballs lol.

Thankyou that's really helpful feedback. Gosh I think I'm either attracting the same kinds of people into my life or they're just all "getting it"... you almost echoed my Counsellor lol! (in turn she echoed BF and Alexa AND psych friend). Cooooeeee!

Going okay at work. Not "pleasant" having to bring others 'into line' but it's part of my job I'd prefer to do osmotically tbh - not DIRECTLY.
Anyhoo it is what it is.

Releasing anger in healthy ways hmmm.
This is really deep.

It could even be a 'bit by bit' jigsaw but that's just how it revealed itself to me.

I always think knowledge is power.
Perhaps KNOWING that holding onto anger can be in effect still holding on to that person who made you angry - somehow?

So definitely forgiveness is important. I found it far easier to forgive the situation OR the elements around the person or what I knew about the person.
By breaking all that down piece by piece, it helped to release them and therefore the anger their actions produced in me.

Forgiveness is never about saying "what you did was ok".
Maybe it's something to do with putting all that pulled apart crap in a bag you visualise along with the person and tying it up and throwing it a LONG way from you.

The most powerful thing I've learnt recently was to THANK an emotion that most people suggest we try to get rid of or dispel from our lives altogether!
So to THANK anger and put in words WHY anger within you CAN was trying to be helpful was very powerful.

I didn't do that exercise on anger, I did it on fear.

fear being inextricably linked to anxiety (and in turn PTSD as an extreme form of anxiety)....
I thanked fear for trying to protect me. I laughed when I told my C that I said "Thankyou so much fear for invading my dreams in an attempt to protect me - hey fear that didn't work, but thanks for trying!"

Thankyou for trying to protect me BUT I'm doing it anyway, so just stay over there and watch me walk into this.
I really don't need you right now.

If you think of the Blue that's inside there bursting to come out... the one who doesn't need the coat of anger on top of her any more.

I could more easily forgive those who had MIs, that helped. Still tying up the bag! but it helped.
Any thing sound like something you could try?

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thanks. Consider puffballs thoroughly kissed, hehe.

Glad the feedback is helpful. I do think you attract people into your life that fit your ethos, especially given you tend to remove or keep at arms length those who aren't so good for you.

No, it isn't pleasant bringing others into line. Necessary evil, though. I've had to do a bit of it, but it's generally just "work faster" and "quit mucking about". New second in charge doesn't have the assertiveness to pull them up, I find it's still me doing it more often than not. Annoying, it's not my job, but I'm left with a lot more work if I don't get the underlings doing their bit.

You might have something there, about holding onto anger being much the same as holding onto the cause.

Honestly, I don't really have a good understanding of forgiveness. If what someone did was not okay, it remains not okay, the thought of it pisses me off. I sometimes reach a place of being able to put it aside with some peace, but not often. That's as close as I get to forgiveness. Sometimes I pull things apart and try and understand, usually it comes back to "still inexcusable". Just can't get my head around the concept.

I've seen your mention of thanking emotions, in a few posts. It's an interesting idea. I think my anger has multiple purposes - it's working to motivate change, protect me from depression and harden me to ways of the world. It serves me well in so many ways - except when it has no release. Then it makes a mess in there, like it's trapped in a room, just breaking everything.

Your comment about the coat of anger on top of me reminded me of something my counsellor said. It was that being in trauma is like being caught in a treacherous river. You get out finally, take off the life vest, and walk into a new life. But that sometimes triggers crop up, and on goes the life vest, which has gone from a safety aid to a burden. The anger kinda fits in there, I guess.

I've touched on a lot of what you've said, with unfortunately little success, probably in part from how poorly I comprehend forgiveness. Beyond that, I know I need to expend the anger, put it to use, but I don't really know how and that's a problem. I dunno, it's something I need to explore in more depth, I guess. Got some work ahead, methinks. Thanks for your insights.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Sure I get that forgiveness is a troublesome concept! And with an analytical mind, an even more difficult one? 🤨😉

Perhaps KNOWING that you could never ever, like EVER, possibly 100% "understand" the machinations of someone else's motives OR mind... even after giving it an immeasurably LONG time trying desperately to figure it out..(⭐)

then you can say to yourself (if you dare)... "You know what, I've pretty much had enough of wasting my very precious mind and extremely precious energy on THAT"
like really understanding the weight on ONE side of the scale also weighs on YOU.

This is what I described PAGES ago as the "tentacles of demon still in there"...
I really wanted to get "them" OUT... but then as I got more mentally well, well that's a THANG... (more on that later including the 'if you dare comment')..

The thing is that after xxxx long telling other ppl about the things this perp did, how it made you feel perhaps, certainly what ruin you were left with and any other things you want to GET OUT for validation or just GET OUT of you.... do it until...... yeah that long.

Then you get to a point and think "Why waste more time on this?"

MORE to the point, "Would ex whatitsname even THINK of this stuff anymore?" the answer to that is NO. No way as much as YOU.

(SEE the imbalance?)

Bam.
That's the time to wrap up EVERYTHING you have zero more clues about & seal it off as "that 'something' that happened in the past".

⭐GRATITUDE heals far more than anyone could ever grasp!
Blue I am SO GRATEFUL that blerghh vomitville marriage didn't last.
It wasn't sad to come to the end!
IT WAS JOYOUS! Then the hard work began on MORE levels until....

I was free to walk OUT of that concentration camp called "that stuff".

Break Free or be imprisoned forever.

The podcast with Dr Edith Eger & Brene Brown is powerful. 1 thing in particular for me as an escapee from DV. (Perhaps Dr Eger's books would help us both?)
It's this > the freed prisoners of the Nazi camps walked out THEN walked back in!
Think about that.

Same with our minds... boiling anger away inside to an unhealthy degree = staying a prisoner / us tying ourselves to them!

THEN >>>
What will you do when you're not angry any more? This can be scary!
How will you FEEL?
Is it scary that ppl forget? (Truth is they already have).

Living a truly wholehearted life is something I've rarely (if ever) done before.
It's new, so can be scary but I'm grabbing on to EVERY piece of this I can.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: embracing happy times.

It's been a ridiculously busy week lol. I'm really looking forward to the weekend and being able to relax. (hahaha)

Sure there's lots of cleaning up to do after all those rains.
It'd be lovely to get some dry weather for it!

I had to whip around and continue the laundry for today and do stacks of inside cleaning up, putting a huge pile of Easter eggs on the table because I'm pretty sure Easter will be sparse of children. They LOVE getting the Public Hol rates at work, so I just decided this weekend had better be an early Easter.

On a high note, p.son is on his way home right now for one of his multiple birth brother's "leaving school party". The "party" has morphed into a group trip to the soccer tomorrow night lol.
All good, it's what leaving school son wants to do the most.
I'm buying all my kid's tickets so they're really happy lol.
Lots of other work friends are going too, so they'll have a ball.

The ACs are coming over tomorrow afternoon, before the other kids go out, with all the grandkiddies too... to have our first get together since Christmas lol.

SO I bought stacks of food and LOTS of it is p.son's faves and in turn his closest birth brother's faves too.

It's funny, I just realised that I ALWAYS used to invite my brother to these things and when I was married, he and sil came over alot.... then they just didn't come.
It's been like this for most of the past 3y or more - getting more distant over the past 15y really.

Anyway it's nice I didn't even think of my brother till now. Luckily.

Oh Alexa & the kids had to have Covid tests, they came back negative. Awesome!

I also phoned my friend T last night and we talked for ages.
It seems that there IS a lessening of the tumultuous grief the family were feeling since the Memorial. Lots happening there.

Other friend whose daughter is in ICU on life support after an accident, texted that there's been no change. 😔💜

At work?
All my reports are in this week phew.
Next week 2 more huge reports due, lots of events going on, then I'm taking Leave! YAY!

Planning to do my Tax Return lol Ffffun!
Change beds around.
Ofcourse do some fun things with the kids I hope!
Maybe get into the garden with my sparkly nails lol.

OH I got a new hairdo after work this afternoon, I'm a different woman! hahaha.

I woke at 5am to talk with BF and it was lovely.
He's such a sweetheart. 💖

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

keep happy, girl, you got this!

glad u had a lovely chat with BF and for all the good news with ur kids

i thought of u today as i walked past a street with stunning gardens, fruit trees, blossoms - ppl were really showing off their green thumbs

I thought "i'd nver b able to do that" coz i havn't got the "green thumb" - but thn i thought - that's all just conditioning and bet i actually could, it's just ngative self-talk... lol and thought of how you'd cheer me on. And how u do on th gardening thread and elsewhere!!

i gueess that's the first step for me - noticing plants!

how's ur gardn going? is p.son home for the weekend? x