new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em

Here is a big squishy bear hug lass.

Paws

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Sounds like Alexa is getting a good handle on things. No-one needs that crap in their lives, but since contact is unavoidable thanks to the kids, it's important she has those boundaries.

Glad you're off to a promising start with your new podiatrist. How are your feet feeling?

It's obvious in most of your posts how important nature is to you. I quite agree, I wither somewhat without regular nature time. I missed some important opportunities for that thanks to the stupor I've been in over my shoulder lately, and I'm definitely suffering for it.

I'm concerned about this QLD friend. Sounds like he has little respect for your boundaries and zero respect for your relationship. You said "I can't let Qlder think there are ANY cracks in this relationship for him to exploit!". I'm not of a mind to tell you what to do, but it may be worth asking yourself whether the benefits of having this person in close proximity outweigh the problems that come with it. Sounds like there is some significant friction with your partner over it, already, and understandably. Not that I condone him dealing with things through anger, mind you (be it this or anything else, he knows the aggression you've dealt with in past relationships). I'd be asking him to be honest with how the situation affects him and to talk through how he feels you should be dealing with it together - and if he can't do it without yelling, then to think it through and write it to you, editing out rants before sending it. I imagine he's feeling quite insecure, being so far away (and humans are not pleasant when they are feeling insecure). It's clear how he spoke to you on the phone wasn't okay and "I love you" isn't a magic cure-all. In that situation I might have asked him to think on what those words mean, before hanging up.

As for how men think, you could maybe start a thread to get some male viewpoints on things? I can't weigh in, the men in my life don't think like typical men, I and my ilk aren't fond of gender norms.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Paws

NICE! lol I LOVED that big squishy bear hug!

Here's a BIG squishy bear hug right back at ya lol.

I'm doing okay, I'm learning NOT to let those closest to me put me in a "wrecked" state.

It's like I'm "compartmentalising" better... or employing that awesome virtue of 'detachment'.

I still got on with stuff which is a MASSIVE improvement lol.

And another hilarious few things I've managed to do too, well that's my take on it anyway!
I'll try to mention those in an Update later because they're FUNNY.

Gotta get this spag bol served up now!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

How have you been?

This week ALL our before & after work hours are back on, some for the 1st time since March last year... can't believe it's all happening in my busiest week with 2 Birthday Parties for Yvette but there it is lol.
She hasn't had / wanted to have a birthday party for 5y, that's why I'm trying to make them special. So is SHE lol, she's giving me directions for the GARDENER lol!

My Podiatrist! I'm SO grateful for her! She spent 1.5h with me & charged me for a regular session.
More importantly lol, I've had NO swelling in my feet since one night after our appt.
I can barely feel any pain, just a little "stiffness" in one foot.
I've had to alter how I walk ie how my feet face - exactly & precisely, how I hold my pelvis, my chest & shoulders, how I swing my arms too!

My entire body, esp my core (except for my feet lol) is ACHING. I knew it would & she said to expect that for a while.
Quite miraculous really. She's a special woman.

Yes I agree with Qlder to a point. I need far firmer boundaries with him. I think he's very confused & I know why but it wasn't me causing that confusion, it's his past (and present habits).
We all know he's not used to being turned down by any woman he's interested in lol!
Snaps his fingers, they say how high?
I never have.

Our common friend is actually FLYING up to see him this week and that's a mess tbh. She's been in a defacto r/ship for 10y but clearly is in love with Qlder. He's told her no way. He even told me she's sleeping in the spare room - I said he didn't need to tell me that lol.

BF and I spoke in depth about whether he felt threatened by Qlder.
He said No, but we discussed boundaries down to the minutest detail lol.

We've been friends since we were little kids.
If I had wanted to "have" him then I've had decades to do that.
I love him like a cousin & have always said that to him.

All my previous Hs and BFs were insanely jealous of Qlder, he just knew me SO well. Also acted like a "protector" which abusers don't like.
BF trusts me far more. He's confident in our relationship. He's suspicious of Qlders "motives" but we've been through this before with Qlder & come out "clean".
It's not the outsiders BF needs to know but ME.
Potential affair partners are a dime a dozen. It's not THEIR responsibility to keep my r/ship sanctified. It's mine.

I feel extremely strongly about this and take this responsibility very seriously.

All good!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: health, moving on, happiness.

It took 11 days for the discomfort in my tummy to subside after surgery.

Spoke with psych friend today whilst doing my grocery shopping lol. She's talking about more Study which is cool. I'm not! Almost all my closest friends and all my immediate friends are studying, awesome!
No adventures! hahaha.

I was happy to report a few things to her which she wanted to throw a party over lol!!
1. I came home and my front lawn was mowed by my neighbour - again. I said how nice it was of them to do that. These neighbours were horrible to me during the demon era.
From about 1y ago they started mowing my front lawns. Psych friend said that's a Community way of apologising.
I knew it was BUT the thing I decided to do was to call that couple by first names now instead of a difft one I'd made up years ago for the man (the worst offender).

Progress.

2. It took me c2 days to think of demon's reaction about me getting the hugest pay I'd ever received. (In fact that just gave me another thought to research). Previously it was my immediate "go to" response when I had a financial boon.

Progress lol.

If I can get all my name changes completed (most are done), and any other paperwork completely wiped clear of demons name, then I only have Child Support "stuff" for a couple more years & I'M DONE.

The way I've structured my part time / FT work schedule crossing financial years, means demon will have NO IDEA what I'm actually earning until almost the very last bits of CS paperwork.
What a finale lol.

It had to know EVERYTHING about everything to do with me esp my money.

Ahhh indeed the best revenge is living your best life lol.

I'm adding ADVENTURE to my life in any way I can atm. "Adventure" to me a year ago was even contacting someone to do work for me! Or getting new kitchen appliances.

Back then it was 'working through my triggers'.

Now it's freer. Far more fun, silly, happy.

I'm feeling more mentally healthy than I have in the longest time.

I'm so grateful!

Thankyou everyone for being part of my WELLNESS journey!

Love always
EM

[Jstar49]

So great EM!

I'm throwing a party for you too lol

xxxx

J*

[ecomama]

Thanks J* Can we have a SEWING ROOM party lol?

Maybe a few drinks & I'd make the exception and HAVE a few drinks lol!

I just finished my post on your thread & I'm still thinking about it. Hmmmm.

I really hope you find your Counselling sessions helpful!

DON'T WORRY one dot about going in there, blurting out everything and crying rivers at all!

I only got SPOT tips from my C, maybe every 3 or 4 sessions "back in the day" when things were overwhelming.
Then it was a bit more.
Then slides back into PTSD triggers, anxiety, maybe but maybe not depression and blurting it all out again.
Wash rinse repeat.

I'm feeling alot better now and she can REALLY tell.
But the professional advice has been that I'll require a C for the rest of my life, so I'm in agreement now. The 2 times I "let her go" were for financial reasons. I had no choice really, BUT I thought I was doing better also.

Then when my work psych told me I needed a C (at least) for the rest of my life, I "got it".
I've stayed & WILL stay until she retires or leaves. Yep she's THAT good.
Then get another one.

It's the "co-regulation" we need. More than that but that's the steadying influence for me.

Yep! Yvette's party prep is HARD WORK lol.
She's being VERY fussy! lol. But I'm pumped and so HAPPY she's having a party so I'm all good with it.

OMG I can't believe it took me so long to report this lol, but BF sent me 12 long stemmed roses today! And a beautiful card with "Darling, I love you so much! Please accept my apology".

It's a special thing for me. Like REALLY special.
Even though I don't like "cut flowers as presents" for obvious reasons, there was so much emotion behind this gift. He'd already opened up so much to me over the weekend and as Brene Brown says in her Netflix special "we're just SCARED".... BF and I both admitted that we're both just scared.

He's been married twice already, Me more.
It's more about loving someone so deeply again. We WANT it SO MUCH as Brene also says but we're scared to go there.

Over 5y "together" now.
We learn SO much about each other when we're deeply honest about things we've never told another soul.
It's an "intimate" relationship, in spite of the distance.

Our favourite saying is "You were designed for me".
I thought that the moment I saw his writing.
Moreso when I heard his voice, ahh.

Then when we met, we knew THIS is how we felt. When we're together it really feels like a Fairy Tale. It's hard being apart.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Oh Em!

Oh yes, it would be sooo hard to be apart! Especially when it feels so right to be together!

I so get the 'feeling scared'. It's so true isn't it!

And our defence mechanisms kick in.

I imagine that's where BF's anger came from. It's lovely that you guys can talk about it, deeply and honestly, intimately even. He sounds like a really special guy.

You said in another post that you guys are good when you know when you'll be seeing each other again. And that its the not knowing which is so hard just now.

That is such a difficult place to be in.

HUGS!! big huge, teary, gulping hugs!! 💕

I know that feeling, of having been hurt before, and just not even being able to trust, that letting down your guards won't end in more hurt. And I guess thats the thing isn't it. There is no guarentees.

Or rather, maybe it is guarenteed that we will be hurt, just as you were hurt by BF forgetting your Valentines.

We will fail. We will disappoint our partner. And they will disappoint us.

It's that whole courage and vulnerability combo isn't it. To experience LIFE, in it's full, we have to experience RISK.

5 years is a beautiful beginning. I wish you many more.

PS I'm seeing you and BF sitting tog (via skype, or whatever) over a candlelit brekky/dinner. BF has suspended his fear of his own face not being beautiful enough, and you are radiant and gorgeous. The kids have gone out for the night to leave you two alone, and you can totally enjoy some special time together. The roses are in the background. Lovely music is playing. What happens next is probably not PG lol 🙂

LOVE

J*

[ecomama]

Aha, nothing PG about our relationship when there's just the 2 of us lol!

Understanding Brene's work and how it applies to each BF and I has been super helpful.

Remember the stuff she wrote about wholehearted living?
Well I found it in a nutshell in one of her books and wrote it all out esp for you on the "Quotes I like" thread.
It's BEAUTIFUL.

Since our talks, BF hasn't held back in his openness one iota lol.
You see he thought it would appear "weak" to express in far deeper terms what he felt.
Being from a family of steely rational Engineers lol, it's not really done.
No kidding but he was ALREADY the most demonstratively loving person through words.

I think it was the 'elephant in the room' stuff he was afraid to express.

The thing is that if something DID happen to him, I'd be heartbroken ANYWAY, so why should I not give in to how I really felt 100%?
It was fear plain and simple BUT I'd also hate to live with regret if I DIDN'T (not that regret features much in my life - pure waste of time! Lol).

He was supposed to fly to Alaska tomorrow, it's been pushed back to my Monday.
SO he can stay up a bit later.
We're having "a date" tomorrow after I finish work.

He said he can't stand going to Alaska to a remote mine, where there's no easy internet connections for us to talk. OR even phones to use to Australia lol.
He said he gets really anxious when he doesn't hear my voice every day! I never realised this!

NOW I know the trigger he's had since last year when we didn't talk for a whole week (due to political arguments).
I just didn't know this.

So him sharing this has brought us closer bec I never want him to feel anxious over our relationship.

Gosh, I'm "getting" him now and even why his family reacted the way they have ie treating me like his wife since the first time we all met! Like bringing me into round table conversations the very DAY I met them, about the Family Trust and wanting my input.
SO surprising.

Before he met me in person, he'd told them "I think she's the one" and while I was there on my FIRST trip, told them he's going to marry me and move to Australia.
I LIKE his confidence! lol.

I'll have to do an update on the happenings here AND more importantly how we've got this shyte covered lol, referring to the recovery from severe abuse and trauma.
I'M SO HAPPY about it all!
Surprised at this as well, but I'll take it! lol.

Love to you, how are you going?
I'll pop into your thread before pumpkin o'clock lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: self and family recovery after severe abuse and trauma.

Well what a difference a year and a billion hours on my own MH recovery makes lol!

My saying "oxygen on self first" should be multiplied by a thousand because of how important this is in bringing oneself and one's children (and grandchildren) through to the shiny, bright other side of domestic and family violence.

BEING FREE from the abusers.

I can't explain how many things have happened in just 24h. So many.

Yvette chose to WORK tonight on her birthday lol! So we all went with it. My other sons were rostered on also. So I brought the whole family in to the take away AND Yvette's fancy cake, candles etc.
We ate dinner there.
We asked the BIG boss if we could "do the cake" and they all sang happy birthday, even the customers lol!
30 pieces of triple chocolate mousse cake cut up & handed out. lol.

I am so glad BIG boss was there. It was him who told demon to it's face a few months ago "Leave now or I'm calling the police".
demons mother phoned the store today to ask if Yvette was working. (They'd hate to "waste the petrol money" on a 10 min trip to find out, lol).
They said they don't give out that info but did tell Yvette.
Yvette said she didn't care, she could handle it and WOULD call the police.
BIG boss said he'd back her up.

The take away was so full of my family, they wouldn't DARE come in lol!

We had a funny and LOVELY time!

Yvette's handling her school friends crisis with a more, "yah whatevs" attitude which I'm SO grateful for! Her work friends have been "there for her" so much and basically that's all she needs.

Gardener came, YAY!
My garden looked so "normal" lol. 😂🤣
Such a strange sight! 😎

My gardener offered me a discounted price to come more regularly and I took it!
I'm pretty excited!

There's more but I can't explain all the things that have happened that SHOW 100% how improved we all are.

It's the most amazing feeling laughing myself AND seeing big smiles and laughter in my children too.

The 'wheels fall off the wagon' regularly lol, but as long as WE 'stay on the wagon', all's fine in our lives.

Love EM