new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

Sorry I haven't been here much. So many emotions through me now and they're not good ones. Thinking of you all.

[ecomama]

Maybe talking about Interior Designing and even cleaning behind my ONE lounge tonight is a happier topic! LOL!

Maybe it's because these are things we have SOME modicum of control over?

I vacuumed 100 x behind that lounge and now need to scrub the floorboards there.
RE-VOLT-ING lol.

Uncle is arriving at 9am tomorrow morning.
I'm not sure what he plans on doing on the glass room.... my downstairs sons lol have moved all sorts of furniture in there and Uncle will freak!

Ah well that's life with lots of teenagers.

I know he'll see the missing bricks and want to repair those.
I need him to finish ONE job at a time.

I'm watching Schitt's Creek again lol. Such a great show.

And yes I think maybe you and I might need LOTS of Counsellors and that's OKAY!

We have LOTS of things to work out from our childhood and adulthood.
It's not like we can bounce thoughts off our friends and never our families.

I do with some friends though.
Yesterday a friend said the most awful things to me and I was so patient with her questioning... but it hurt. ALOT.

Some ppl virtually blame me for what happened to Yvette.

If they knew how HARD I worked at protecting my children.
I never saw my mother again ffs. Like went total NC.

That's huge! Esp considering I lost the other 40 adults in one swoop.

I kept up the NC to protect my kids.

Didn't realise a worse abuser was living right here.

Sometimes life does this - throws the worst at you.
And my kids copped it too.

IDK, it's taking a long time to recover and I'm not sure I ever will tbh.

I can still feel the PTSD bubbling in my arms sometimes. Depression is waiting in the wings all the time.

This time it's harder than ever before, probably because far more damage was done to my children than ever before.

We're all so severely scarred; emotionally and psychologically and me physically.

This last leg of my life I was hoping to live out with BF and finally have a sweet relationship.
Now it's so up in the air... it always has been iffy if he could move here.

But now it's difficult to create a vision of my future, especially growing old so quickly lol. Which I am now.

IDK I'm sick of being sad. I just want to be happy. Hence Schitt's Creek lol.

EMxxxx

[ecomama]

monkey_magic said:Em,

All clear is excellent news. You can put all that worry away.

Must be feeling relieved.

😁

Thanks monkey!

Yes I'll try!

Lol

EMxxxx

[Guest_498]

Ems my sweetest dearest Ems,
I'm sooo elated with the news. Youre in the clear bbg. LOVE you heaps xx
Ahh you can rest that lil mind of yours now. How happy & relieved you must feel atm.
Blubes

[Guest_1643]

hey loves, how are you doing today?

[Guest_4643]

Sorry I haven't been around much everyone. I'm still here, thinking of you all. Just so stressed & dealing with a lot.

[Guest_498]

Hi Tay, Tay,

where's your thread?

[Guest_4643]

Hey Bluberry.

It's called "hi everyone, I'm back." I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post a link.

[Guest_498]

Is it under trauma & ptsd?

[Guest_4643]

It's under Depression I think

Ugh my Neighbours (I hate them) are Drunk & making lots of noise. This happens a lot and they party 😕