new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey there EM,

Just wanted to stop by your thread and say hello, since our encounters around the forum have been so positive. 🙂 Have had a quick goosie at the start of this thread to learn a little about your journey. You've clearly had a rough ride, and yet what I am seeing is an enthusiastic and positive, kind and self aware person coming through it all and graciously supporting others on the forums. For what it's worth, I think you're holding the reins of matriarch just fine and doing it your own way.

Very sorry your poor chicken is so unwell. It's heartbreaking to see an innocent creature suffering, you are doing well by her, taking care of her in ways many wouldn't for a chicken.

Not much more to say, just that it's good to make your acquaintance. 🙂

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hi Blue!

Thankyou for popping in, it's lovely to meet you too!
I've enjoyed our fun exchanges alot lol... I actually made banana bread this afternoon bec you inspired me on the self-care thread, so HIGH FIVE!

Yes, my darling girl. She's asleep on my bed atm with the electric blanket on and our cat nearby lol. Our cat loves our chickens lol.
She's not going to last long and I'll REALLY miss her.

I thought I must tell my brother to come by and say goodbye... he looks for her EVERY time he visits and sits and has a chat with her.
She always answers back lol, she's the sweetest thing.

Her dying has brought a flood of emotions and realisations for me.
It's going to be hard living in this huge home alone with a graveyard of our most beautiful pets for 20+ years.

I'm going to really have to push through creating a new life for myself. I saw the writing on the wall about 6 months ago as the children needed me less and less.

I tried to find groups I could join, to no avail. Simply none were suitable.
I reached out to long lost friends and this has been nice but we all have busy lives, you know what I mean.

The only future plans I have for myself is work work work, work at work, building work here.
Maintenance the entire rest of the time.
I'm trying to set up an old age plan where I can reduce my work hours. I'll never be able to retire as far as I can work it out.
Building a cabin and renovating downstairs - both for income.

My fiancee moving out is still uncertain, we're not sure if he'll be able to get a Visa to retire here.
"When" is the other uncertainty.

I'm concerned I'll be very busy but never fulfilled.

My darling chicken dying has brought all this up again.

Cheeses that went downhill fast!
Sorry about that.

Thankyou for coming in and saying hello.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Always nice to know I can inspire someone to cook (or at all, really). (*high five*)

I understand. I guess all you can do is give her love and attention, I'm sure it comforts her. It's nice that your brother loves your chicken, too. They have so much more personality than people give them credit for, beautiful birds. My partner's sister has chickens. Time with them was the last push I needed to go vegetarian. I couldn't play with chickens, have them gently pecking at my shins, then go home and eat their cousins. The world is better for having more happy chickens in it.

Though I'm in a different season of my life, I understand how you feel about the loss and emptiness in your house. I wonder, have you considered moving house? It sounds like with your offspring moving out into their own lives and you now being surrounded by a graveyard of beloved pets, perhaps a change of surroundings may be worthwhile. I did struggle with my last move, knowing the grave of a beloved bird was there, but ultimately it has been better for me. I remember him in healthier ways now, I think, and am not so focused on the physical presence of his grave. I found it anchored me, weighed me down and in some ways hindered my ability to celebrate the beauty of his life. I think also a smaller dwelling may resolve your worries about working so hard at home, as there would be less to clean and organise. Can I ask, is the renovation for resale value, or to set up something like a bed and breakfast? (Don't feel obliged to answer that if you don't want to.)

I gather your fiancé lives in another country? Kudos to you for making a long distance relationship work. I hope you can resolve the Visa issue. It's hard not knowing when something is going to happen, I have some experience with that, but I can say that tends to resolve itself with effort, patience or both.

I have some thoughts, re joining groups. Perhaps focus first on what it is you enjoy on your own. I think I saw a gardening thread with your name on it, among my scrollings. Let's say you spend you time gardening. Maybe your neighbours notice when you're out front, and chat with you. Maybe you ask an online group how to get your roses flowering, and make a friend through it. I honestly think with genuine joy in what you're doing, especially with your outgoing enthusiasm, you will draw a group to you. Speculation from someone who is a bit of a loner as a general rule, but you'd be surprised how these things turn out.

Blue.

[Guest_498]

Ems, J sounds lovely!! He's gorgeous, rich, and he's INTO you!!!! OMG, why did you turn him down? OMG. I'm excited about the after-party...I'd be even more excited if he escorts you. Ems .. would be awesome if you went with him. Your bf is in America, he can't take you to the party?!!

[Guest_498]

Where r u up to with Suburra? I've finished!! OMG, like ok. I want more but finito. Thats it. I wanna cry. Same feeling when I finished the Millennium series... I wanted more but sadly, no more.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue

I appreciate the sentiments and will talk more after work tonight, my alarm to get ready just went off so ummm running late lol!

My mother used to call me the girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead "when she was bad, she was very very bad and when she was good, she was horrid" that's not fair or right...

But when I'm feeling bad it's not as bad as I used to feel but things are worse...

when I'm feeling good my house and garden as it represents all that I've achieved over my life, overcoming the very bad and extremely ugly as well as ALL the good!

It lifts me up SO high in those times that I could never leave unless I was forced to.

For the kids too.... we fought TOGETHER so hard to save it from the last demon.... it's our crowning achievement and represents our power together and apart.

I know myself and leaving would be devastating for me for probably the rest of my life.

No the work is not for resale lol.... the cabin and downstairs later is for tenants / boarders ie income for my ageing years.

Also I need spaces here if the children need accommodation at times. It's already happened once with my eldest daughter fleeing the abusive relationship she was in.
It was a haven and Godsend.

And has CCTV lol.

Plus re: DV, it's the SAFEST place to live for all of us. Like a fortress with security, which is AWESOME!
Plus the neighbours all know the abusers and they wouldn't if we left, no neighbours would know anything. I KNOW the abusers, it would start all over again.
So our Community protects us also.

Groups yeah. I've done it before so will do again if time permits.... it's the TIME factor with working and kids... it usurps it ALL.

Will be back!

Thankyou!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:Ems, J sounds lovely!! He's gorgeous, rich, and he's INTO you!!!! OMG, why did you turn him down? OMG. I'm excited about the after-party...I'd be even more excited if he escorts you. Ems .. would be awesome if you went with him. Your bf is in America, he can't take you to the party?!!

lololol will answer THIS one later lol...

gotta get to work!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey there EM,

Oh, how familiar that sounds. It's nice being off work for a while, haven't missed it for a second.

My mum has been known to quote that one, though always very tongue in cheek. I get the sense your mother was approaching it with less humour? 😕

You certainly don't have to justify wanting to stay, EM, I was just kicking some ideas around that have worked for me. It is to be expected that our situations and outlooks may be different. Sounds like you've got a nice little fortress set up. I'm sure you'll carefully screen any boarders you have staying there, it would be a decent income incentive if you have someone safe and reliable.

Sorry to hear your daughter experienced an abusive relationship as well. It's an uncomfortably common thing. I have been there myself, though thankfully mine was pretty low level on that scale and buggered off as soon as I got the cops involved.

Time is a tricky thing, EM. In the interest of it, I am very much a minimalist - I try to avoid having a lot of possessions to maintain, or an overloaded schedule, and am not above delegating little jobs where possible. Also cutting back my expenses constantly, so I don't have to work as much - just reviewing my utility bills every six months or so and switching plans when better ones arise has kept my budget in the green as well as anything else I've done. (Sorry, I could easily waffle on for hours about minimalism and budgeting.)

Kind thoughts to you,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blubes... I wouldn't even know where to start about J and I .... we met when we were NINE yo lol... so there's alotta history there.

I love him and if anything was wrong I'd be there in a heartbeat BUT I don't love him "that" way, I probably could you bet lol but not since I know him so well.

Nah not going there and never plan to.

He was a serial cheat on his exW of 25y and he's had therapy for that plus other horrible things for years and years, which I AM SO PROUD OF HIM doing. He's shared so much of that with me and other stuff he didn't even tell his wife but I keep that stuff completely to myself.

Still with ALL that work, he can't seem to budge "the cheating" core of himself. I've told him that he mustn't WANT to. (He does the whole "but if I had YOU" thing - nah doesn't work - that's a total gamble and I'm not that stupid).
He won't even have a girlfriend now!
He had 10 on the go, or was it 9? last time he answered my question lol.

Anyway his W cheated on him for the first 2y of their marriage so who knows what else she got up to.

Re: our reunion. It's a year away lol, don't get too excited!
J lives in Qld, so if he can fly down if borders are open. But he always suckers our friend L in to drive up from where she lives near the Southern border and pick him up from the airport lol.

J & L may stay here IDK... we'll see. So there may be a BEFORE party lol AND an after party just like the good ole days.
I've warned my actual BF all about it lol!
He said "Are you SURE you wanna do that?" YES I AM. It'll be awesome!

Anyway, my other friend R is taking me. She broke up her 40y relationship this year (SHOCK!) and she's doing well. We want to go together. She may drive us all IDK...

Whatever and whenever J always looks out for me. He's usually my shadow!
He ZOOMS over to be by my side if he sees a man talking to me lol.

We have a year to sort it out but I smile every time I think about the reunion.
These get togethers are always so funny.

Love EM

[ecomama]

CHOOK UPDATE lol, she's drinking water omg, and eating some more yoghurt. She's here right beside me saying "HI GIRLS!" lol... we worked out that we've had her close to 13 YEARS... good Lord she's amazing.

Hi Blue!!

Oh you could certainly join Bluberry's thread and talk about minimalism to the cows come home from ALL paddocks there lol! Hey Blubes Ms Minimalism?

I think Sleepy21's got a bit of the bug too... maybe?

Going "minimalist" would give me major anxiety lol.

But I LOVE organised spaces. So I've been doing that.

But budgeting.... now THERE'S an absolute certain winner for me!
I've been asked to write a book or a blog about it all by far too many ppl, my Counsellor even lol,
but I just DO it, I'm saving writing a book for the DV experience etc.
A Vlog for our organic gardening adventures rebuilding it all over again here.

I'd title the DV one "The Wake of Destruction" or "The Circus is in Town" lol.... mongrels.
No sorry, I love dogs. There's no other words but 'evil creatures' to describe the ones I've known. Mainly the last exH and daughter's ex.

Yeah my mum and the "curl" thing... she was a great mum in many ways.
She was and still is very mentally ill and with that striking her, she's extremely violent and manipulative and unwell.

Anyway back to budgeting lol.
WRITE away as much as you like about budgeting!
ACTUALLY I Have a much better idea and more ppl will see it which is much nicer.... why don't you start a "Budgeting" thread and we can all clamber in there? Please please please?

I feel like I say too much already lol. But if YOU started one, I'd most certainly LOVE to read up on all your capers AND OTHERS WOULD TOO and they could add stuff!

omg I'm full of good ideas today. Having a happier chicken makes me happy.

I'm making Sang Choy Bow for dinner tonight - the abridged ecomama version lol.

😁😂Love EM