new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

"Piles of books" I love that room already! lol.

I have piles of books next to my bed, a few have slipped under it lol, a few in my bedside table and a few others next to every place I sit my laptop. Then tubs of them to go in my new storage area.

Have you decided on a colour for your bed linen?

OMG I've got the most awesome motivator lol! 11 months and 3 weeks until my School Reunion... I decided today to have an "after party" back here at my place.
Just a note, we have school reunions every year lol!
But this one is a BIG one. Every 5y we have a big one and in the past our school friends have come home from everywhere from England, Scotland, Sweden lol, the Americas etc for these ones.
Our 1st "reunion" was only 5y after Year 10 and 3y after Year 12! They've been going ever since.

I wasn't "permitted" to attend these thru the dark ages lol... some of these ppl are the ones who've come back into my life so gracefully recently.

My motivation is to get my house and garden in far better order by the reunion.
Have all the rooms changed around by then etc.

I don't have any money to go ape over it at all and wouldn't anyway.
It's mainly grunt work from me.

I like deadlines, they work for me.

I'm pretty excited!

Gotta make a Drs appt for those lumps right now. Wish me luck!

Sleepy we are ROCKING this self-care thang lol!

Loving your room, do you like it too?

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Wow so cool - how did the afterparty idea come about? it sounds so so fun and cosy. that way you can all catch up without all the formalities and actually enjoy!

love it!!

deadlines make life easier, totally hear you on that. i love this goal and how you are so excited about it!! when was the last reunion? do u think people have changed a lot ?? so interesting seeing people after a long break. Sometimes they have a whole new personality lol. Or a new calm, which I love to see.

Today i went to the post office to get a package and there was a bedding there. I grabbed some dark grey sheets (blubs inspired me!!!)

I also thought about what you said about sparking joy. I think pattered sheets remind me of my childhood (all the hoarding and clutter... we had wild pattered sheets) - and I saw this kind of peachy/pink/soft yellows patterned one. Like desert colours.
It was really busy - but it sparked joy. Maybe next purchase?

I like Marie Kondo a lot - the book is beautiful.
I don't agree with everythng she says - like doing it all in one go is ideal - but i dont work that way - but i definitely appreciate the concept of "letting go"

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy

I like the "spark joy" idea!
Also the "spark calm" lol.. looking at something, saying "ahhhh" and have this beautiful feeling wash over me.
Like the front cover of the latest Country Style living - THAT'S MY BEDROOM right there! lol.

I had to buy it!

So happy with what made joy spark within you..

We've had school reunions for over 40y lol... EVERY YEAR we have one, so no, ppl don't change that much.
I started a "Directory" over 40y ago organising the first one, it's been taken over by another person - thankfully - she keeps a FB group going (she texted me directly bec she knows I ditched FB).
Every 5y we have a big one, we ditched the "formal" thing years ago but I LOVE dressing up so I dress up! A few of us go overboard dressing up, it's SO MUCH FUN!

This year's was cancelled ofcourse.

Only having an "after party" back here... not the actual reunion lol.
Some ppl I'd rather not have here.
I'll probably just text the ppl I'm comfortable with directly.

Yah pretty exciting! BF is NOT impressed! lol! Oh well diddums.

In fact Sleepy... it inspired me to do some self-care ish things... I prepped a wonderful lunch for work tomorrow. Did some other cooking etc.

I'm getting super anxy about finances.... when this happens I go into "Holocaust theory mode". Trying to wade off that childhood poverty trigger & the anxiety.

Next 18 months could (will!) be super super tight.

I tried to make that Drs appt, had to leave my number & they haven't called back! Grrrr.
If they haven't called back by tomorrow afternoon, I'm going in there after work & booking in person!

I love Marie Kondo too... oh I don't do anything 100% the way ppl tell me lol!
Everything has to fit in with my extremely busy life, calming my mind is a priority.
Adding stress ISN'T.

I am really excited about the after party.... I have to speak to J who lives in Qld and share something he triggered many years ago about my house way back then.
On the side - he proposed to me 3y ago. Never been in an intimate relationship with him lol... he's GORGEOUS and knows it. LOL!
Rich & freaking famous too...
Once he heard I was pretty serious about American BF he tried to get in first lol.

J & another friend wanted to visit THIS year... but covid.

xxxxEM

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy21

What's going on, how are you doing?

I saw on another thread that you phoned a helpline last night, well done you!

Can you talk about how you're feeling here?

We really care about you.

I had this weird feeling come over me this morning.... now that things are "opening up" in Victoria, which is awesome, some ppls lives may not change that much.

I've got work today but I'll be back this afternoon.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em, did you get to work okay?
My PTSD has been a struggle - I'm not sure what triggered it (or if it matters...)I called 1800 Respect. usually it helps but i didn't find the person so empathetic. I don't know if I"ll feel better and get thoughts that I'm really lost and still not where I should be. thinking a little bit about one person who really harmed me over the lsat few years.
angry at him, angry at me. And then very very sad.

[ecomama]

Yes I got to work today Sleepy21. About to have a nap next! lol.

PTSD is a real shocker.

With 1800RESPECT Did you ask to be put through to a Trauma Psych?

So Sleepy, where "should" you be?

You have the sweetest most caring and empathetic words for others, why don't you have them for yourself also?

I'd bet everything I own, if I crumbled under PTSD or anything at all, you wouldn't tell me I should be anything...

There are REAL reasons why this person who's possessed your mind has done so.
It's Trauma with a capital T.

It's hard!
Pulling them OUT of controlling our mind is the hardest work I've ever had to do along with all the exposure therapy I'm still doing.... over ONE person.

And there are others also as you have too... family with a capital EFF.

Big.

If someone was hit by a bus and was in recovery trying to walk for the next 10y, I'd be so proud of them trying to recover and learn how to walk again.
No way would I be in there saying "Hey your classmates are running a marathon this weekend, you should be doing that too!"

Same with MIs.
We can't do what others do ALL the time, heck they probably can't either lol.
But anything we DO do is a triumph in my books.

You're a winner because you haven't let this person "beat" you.
Anything outside of this is a bonus.

Your thoughts?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy21

A VINTAGE DRESSER???? omg I'm so excited for you... expressing YOURSELF in the things around you can be such a warm and happy feeling.

Clearly I need organisation lol! A totally boring subject compared to a VINTAGE DRESSER omg I just love antique furniture... I fall in love with them lol.

Yesterday I bought another 7 containers from Kmart, they're lovely...

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems & Sleepy,

Sleepy, your room sounds nice, comfortable & relaxing. And, I love the look of a pile of books together too. I also love the sound of the dark grey sheets you purchased. Beautiful. xx

Those helplines are not always so helpful - it's like any help you look for - some are great, others not so great. " "I get thoughts that I'm really lost and still not where I should be".. "thinking a little bit about one person who really harmed me over the last few years". These are normal feelings and reactions after being traumatised. I still feel very lost and not where I should be. I too, think about the two ppl who really harmed me - my mum & sister. I feel like you do most nights, Sleepy. Hang in there bbg, its rough, I know. It'll get better for both of us, all of us. Some days it's better than others. Btw, I love vintage & antiques aswell. They're just beautiful. I love modern, but I absolutely have a great appreciation for antiques, always did.

Ems your bf "has very valid fears of moving here... the "lawlessness" he saw play out and not being able to own firearms is a big one for him. He's never "had to use" his but has one just the same". I don't understand why Americans have this mentality. Most yanks are gun mad. They view it as a protection thing. It's not. like your bf most owners never had to use theirs before. The laws surrounding its storage & use is nonsensical as well imo. My main problem with it is if you shot someone dead in self-defence - ie: if there's an intruder in your home, you will end up in prison for manslaughter. Your freedom to live happily in the free society effectively has been taken away from you because you killed someone in self-defence. How has a gun protected you? By sending you to prison? Yeh, guns should be outlawed in the States. In place of it ought to be protection weapons such as tasers & capsicum sprays.

Blubes

[Guest_1643]

Hi Ems - I go between loving vintage and modern - thanks for saying that about the room.

I just finished putting on the quilt cover - I only have one set of pillows atm - so they are both charcohl but i think it'd look great with 2 white ones as well. It feels very fresh and feminine.
Those thoughts come to me a lot from nowhere. I realised nw what the trigger was which was small.
The pile of books is sweet as they are nice and colourful and then I have my lava lamp on top.

Hw are your lashes? i'm sorry you struggle with those feelings.... but thank you for sharing so i feel less alone.

[ecomama]

Hi beautiful girls (and boys lol)..

Blubes - don't worry about bf... he's cool... "you can take the man out of America but you can't take the America out of the man"! Lolol.

Sleepy21 - love the look of your room, yes a nice set of white pillowcases added would look LOVERLY!

Sweet girls... PTSD is a total ^%&(%&^.
It's taken a dang long time for me to get to a place where my mind is far more at peace.
BUT we have each other and I celebrate this fact every day.

We ARE overcoming it by "doing life" anyway.

I'm so proud of you all... doing the hard yards and still being here to support others. True gems.

I'm doing really well atm.. my sad news is I think my darling blind chicken is dying. I had a cry to Alexa this morning over it. She thinks so too.
It's hard. She's been a really close and constant companion to me morning and evening for so long. She has the sweetest personality lol. She's my darling.
I'll really miss her when she goes. I know she's only a chook but I love her.

Otherwise I'm ok.
Alexa isn't really but getting through.
Y is looking more relaxed as this slow reveal of coming out to us in unfolding.

I wish I could actually be there in person to visit and delight in all the beautiful things you're both doing / done in your homes, I could only really help with moving furniture lol, I have zero decorating sense!
But far more importantly than that, being there to hug you when you feel sad.
Okay I need to stop tearing up lol...

I'm so sorry for your pain and all the harm that has been done to each of you.

You're magnificent human beings.

Love always EM