new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dearest Blue

I've missed you (and all) alot too. I really miss being here on the forums. My time and energy has been so greatly usurped, there's just been nothing more than barely keeping afloat.

One of my grandchildren was in hospital last night. I'd minded them all and they were fine. We had a nice time. Then the grandson who'd been unwell during the week woke screaming with ear pain. No support whatsoever from the hospital. Sent home without even seeing a DR, that's negligence for sure. Grrrr.

Just trying to brace myself into a rational state of mind, so I can think things through clearly to organise for p.son. I've phoned the school 3 times now, omg. Tbh Blue I've found that very FEW MH professionals can pick up on DV, with the epidemic of it here, this "training" should be mandatory. Anyway next week I will ask the school to elect a staff member to be loco parentis. P.son is scared he has no one there should he have an emergency.
I do NOT want him to have contact with ex GF & that family.

Plans have changed. Next Sat he'll go to his work shift (I offered to pay for an Uber to get him to a Covid test as he's unwell and unable to work until he's cleared). Then move all his stuff out - next Sat. Then I asked him to catch a train home. Just leave everything in boxes in his new room.

He can stay here for 2 nights with us and BE WARM and fed!
Monday morning 3 of us will drive down there with a car full of stuff for his new place.
I've had to take leave again but much needed to support him.
Then we can all set up his room WITH him which will help him feel more supported and less lonely. Then buy whatever ese he may need.

Today I bought him all new bedding + an electric blanket, some warm clothes and a few "nice" things to wear. Hopefully he can make friends with other house mates and maybe even have a chance to go out socially some times. Ex GF will not know these ppl, so he stands a chance there. He needed a few nice things to wear.

The routine's set for my visit every 4 weekends. He's planning to come up every fortnight and Alexa plans to visit once a month too. We can drive him to work and pick him up on our weekends down there. That should cover it.

I have this week to wash all the bedding ready.
Next weekend, clean out the bar fridge for him. My sons downstairs are ok with letting him have it - sorry boys! lol.

We'll stay in a motel, more costs but anything's worth keeping him safe and feeling supported.

Love you lots
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dearest Emo

Thankyou. I think of you often as well.
It's tough isn't it?

I wanted to cry when I read your words.
Sometimes I just want to fall in a heap and cry.
Sometimes I do!
But not too "hard" lol... we've realised in our family that "crying hard" is what gives us a bad headache.
So just some "light crying", only some times lol.

I can go through a range of emotions in a day from seething anger to sheer frustration and then realise that's taking too much energy I need lol, so then I try to look at the sky, breathe & carry on.

I've all but stopped doing anything in the garden, even during the chook's feeding times. I'm just too exhausted. So I sit in my wonderful Earth Mama garden chair like I'm the Princess of the Forest lol and sip my tea. Then grab a rake, then stop myself doing too much.

I can feel my energy at an all time low.

I'm only just coping with that extra after hours Course - 4 months to go ugh.
But I finally got my very late Tax Return in and that return will go to Govt debt, which is fine by me lol.
The next one will have to be started in 2 weeks.
Then a financial reconciliation will occur which will even things out much better in my favour.

I swear I'll be eating only eggs from my chickens and oranges from my own tree soon lol.
If I get time, a visit to the Community garden for some good veg will happen soon. I have lots of food in the freezers and cupboards, it'll be ok. I can be ridiculously resourceful when I need to be lol.

I've collected my macadamia nuts for Alexa's neighbour who is supporting her H and 3 children on a part time income. She's making some income from them which I'm grateful for.
Alexa is burning my timber logs in her chiminea for entertainment for her kids, cooking her food over it or IN it while it's hot.

Your Prayers are most welcome, thankyou so much!
You are always in my Prayers too dear Emo.

I Pray that life gets easier for all of us very soon.
Love Always
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy

Thankyou. Yes Alexa has been hit very hard with her health issues. It's all impacting every sector of her life atm. I'm glad she's on Semester break.

I've got a pretty bad cold tbh. I've been out till late helping Alexa with the kids a few nights a week after going to work all day. Then coming home and doing the minimum just to get through.
It's so cold late at night and she lives 30 mins away so fffffun.
Sometimes I'm out again at 1am picking up kids from work.
Then up early for the chickens, pets and making lunches.
I pack my car with timber for Alexa, macadamias for her neighbour and loads of rubbish for Alexa's skip bins.
It'd be easier if I didn't live on a slope!
My poor feet are aching.

I'm totally exhausted. Try to grab sleep when I can.

IDK it's relentless atm.

My Course work is getting done and my Lecturer noted a well done assignment and, for the life of me, I cannot remember writing it!
I wonder if I'm dissociating again at times. More than I have been before these challenges became overwhelming.

I've called in for more help from the kids and they're doing the best they can but it's too much for them too, I can see. One son opened the take away store at 7am and was asked to do a "close" at another one on the same day one hour away! Like what IS that?
He's a newly appointed Manager.
They're training all the kids up for Managerial roles now.

Yvette has finished Modules and will be the youngest in the State to do so... she'll step in to Management the moment she's legally allowed to.

P.son can't wait to get home and get more shifts. He'll have 4 or so months before Uni starts after his HSC is done. I have to do his L hours too then. 3 children on their Ls, it's difficult.
Their names didn't even come up on a Unifam program for help with this, can't quite believe it but I guess they need more volunteers?

My butt is hurting being on the forums so long, sitting here typing lol.... the longest I've sat for AGES.
I'd better get on, so much laundry to do!

Oh I almost forgot, did you see that Series on ABC iView about cross generational programs?
It was in the Genre of "Nursing Home for 4 year olds".
It was SO heart warming. Sure I cried a bit too but they were tears of gratitude for how wonderful some people are.

Nice change 😉

Love Always
EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

OMg I just want to give you a hug and stay at your place and look after things for a bit!

no wonder you’re feeling exhausted! So much worry and tension and physically, oh wow.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I’m listening, and that I can hear how hard things are atm .
Look after yourself hey? Best as you can!

heaps of love and prayers,

J*
ps H has moved his day to Saturday this week! Oh joy!

take care,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Thankyou, I would REALLY appreciate a helping hand, that's for sure! hahaha.

Well a welcome break happened for us today (I HOPE). Looks like BF will be able to use some of his motel points to book us all a room at a Motel down near p.son for those few days when we visit in about a week's time.

I spoke to p.son last night again. He was there alone, sick. He needs a negative Covid test before he can go back to work and that family is not helping him get there.
I offered to pay for an Uber to drive him there.
At least he could use the washing machine without them complaining or obstructing him.

Hopefully BFs Motel points CAN be used by us.
He's going to attempt to book it all for us tomorrow (for the following week).
Phew.
That saves me A LOT of money.

Things are really hard atm because p.son needs SO MUCH.
So many THINGS, so much effort, so much support and this will all be ongoing for him for the next FIVE months - and counting.
I'm counting the days, I'm telling you now lol.

Hopefully also Uncle will take his trailer down there to pick up p.son's stuff all in ONE move at the end. He'd offered this before, just hope the timing works out perfectly. Finger's crossed.

When I spoke with p.son last night, I suggested he move his stuff into the new Uni student share place then catch a train STRAIGHT HOME. Stay at home for 2 nights with us, then travel back down with us on the following Monday with Yvette too.
We'll stay at the motel near his new place for 2 nights, while we unpack his stuff from the old place, get all the new stuff (in my car) for the new place that we bought him.
Then go around and buy supplies etc for him to set things up.

Hopefully it will be a more happier experience for p.son to do this all with some company of people who love him.
He agreed.

THEN he will come back home with us lol. Just for 2 nights so he can attend Chiro & other appts I've booked. Then he'll go back so he can work then come back home again. He has 3 weeks off school but STACKS of homework to complete.

We're planning a "Welcome Home Party" for him when he gets home which he REALLY needs. He's lost contact with every single friend here, so this will be a wonderful re-union for him, good for the soul.

Wow H never ceases to surprise!
Keeping you on your toes as per.
How are you doing with all that stuff?
It's super tricky.

Thinking of you, sending you lots of love and patience!!
Love Always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hey EM

so busy for u there pickig up kids and helping Alexa with her kids at all hours, especially when it's cold it can be very dreary on the emotions!

And then early with the chickens! Hope u are rugged up well 🙂

Sending u lots of love and hugs...u've got this

studying must be hard for alexa with her health struggles, i hope she is okay also. there is a lot of pressure with uni deadlines, sometimes not so flexible sadly and it makes for a lot when ppl are strugging with other things. amazing to see how ppl to get degrees under the hardest conditions. inspiring!

I have to check out ur ABC iview recommendation!

Last night I watched School of rock 🙂 And on netflix, abc iview I watched season 1 and 2 of love on the spectrum, about australians on the spectrum (pretty young, I think the oldest is 30) looking for love and dating. I also watched My Octopus Teacher on netflix, a documentary about an octopus and the september issue a documentary about wht goes in to putting together a vogue issue. Pretty shallow of course but there is this one women who works for Vogue, I think her nme is Grace Covington, I fell in love with her. She has wild hair and great outfits and is now in her 80s and has lived a life of art. She made it for me 🙂

Lots of bunkering down and tv watching for me as the cold is just so awful these days!

[Guest_1643]

Grace Coddington * sorry

[Guest_1643]

hi Em i totally agree with ur interesting earlier comments about pets and plants

Through the throws of PTSD i kept alive a pretty luscious indoor plant and it was an act of love and care to watch it resond and grow

that's a beautiful point about the dogs etc in the US

tbh wheni write on a medical form i have ptsd i feel ppl don't think it's real and want me to say i have something else

Treatment resistant depression, perhaps? i may have to say such to comply with the NDIS but i dont really think tretment resistant depression is the thing. It's treatment resistent because the treatment isn't right.

xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I certainly understand that feeling of barely keeping afloat. Sometimes that's all you can manage. Can't blame you for conserving your energy, though I wish you were able to come on here a little more to receive more of the support and understanding you need.

Damn, that's absurd that your grandson was sent home without even seeing a doctor. How is he, now, and how did you get through without getting him treatment? Probably an ear infection that would be easily treatable and likely respond fairly quickly to medication. Do you have locums at all in your area? I imagine that would be a better option where possible. Had a tooth infection once that was excruciating. A bit of a wait for the doctor to come out, but at least it was at home and they did something about it.

How goes the school situation now for prodigal son? From your exasperation I guess those three calls you made haven't resulted in any useful action. I'm concerned at the lack of recognition for DV in health professionals, a lot of the signs seem pretty basic for a common idiot to figure out...

I've lost track of the arrangements for prodigal son's moving day, it all sounds a bit complicated. Anyway, hope things are progressing as they should in that department, with no further delays. I'm glad you have plans in place for him to maximise time with family until he can come home.

I read in one of your posts that you've pretty much stopped gardening. That's the sign of real trouble for you. Is there anyone you can turn to in your physical environment for some practical help with managing things? Can you get a cleaner or some ready meals or something to balance out the other crap you have to do at the moment? Especially seeing as you've been sick, as well. I guess it was bound to happen given how hard you've been pushing yourself.

Puffballs send a song.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

yesh that sounds like a LOT of work! Let alone all the mental/ emotional strain of caring for your son. It will be so great to get him sorted and happier! You guys are such a great family for each other. Blows my mind actually.
ah yes, can’t relax too much! That’s when things tend to bite me on the bum!
I’m getting a bit of a better pic as far as his triggers go. Def related to his dad, and his own confused idea of what a real man is supposed to be.
ah well. We struggle on!

take care my dear.
all my best hugs!

J*