new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

oh what a lovely post to read! Challenging, but sounds like you trod that line beautifully!

it’s true that sometimes, when in a grief situation, the culture almost encourages us to exaggerate. Goodness knows it’s enough to grieve , truly grieve, without exaggerating the emotions and the negativity. To do what you did, honouring the grief AND also allowing for a better space, in its time. To allow for the idea of, this too shall pass. It’s ok not to be completely dragged down and devastated forever.
that is strength.
That is, the Phoenix emerging from the ashes.
so glad you were able to id the evil inherent in the situation. So true that we often blame god, instead of the other one. Or our own choices.
glad also you’ve got power and 4WD- yay!
we’re watching more rain flood the valleys from our high vantage point.
planning to accommodate a friend and her kids if they need it. T’s very much looking forward to it lol! Shall be interesting!
kinda cool cos we’ve been talking about a family sleepover for awhile. It’s a nice friendship.
praying the day is soft and kind to you today eco mama, after all your caring attention ystday....

love

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J* thankyou.

Yes the rain persists. I woke up to a flooded kitchen this morning, something to make me know I'm alive lol...issues with my roof again.

Well I had a delayed reaction to what was going on at the Memorial, as happens alot to me, probably bec at the time I'm really "present".

It's a LOT. It was messy and I was thinking what the..?
Tbh I was shocked and confused at first then got a bit angry.

They're in denial over what CAUSED this and just accepting this 'culture' as all fine.

When it's not.
Basically train wrecks about to happen everywhere and NO ONE pulling anyone up about it.

I said my snippets.

Simply nothing I can do about it.

Sounds harsh but not my circus.

I came home when my friend left, she wanted me to go on and "party" but not my thing.

I listened to a podcast with Brene Brown and Dr Edith Eger. It was powerful for me. I only got half way thru and re-listened to the same part...
"All therapy is grief work - not (only) what happened, what didn't happen".

Sorry brb...

love em

[Ggrand]

Hello EM....

Awe sweetheart...just calling in to give you a very gentle and very caring bear hug...

Please don’t rush back here...Take the very best care of you that your can.....You’ve lost some very special friends in your life...and going through a lot of grief and pain...it’s time for you to be very gentle on yourself and let us give you some care...Holding you in my heart with special warm thoughts...

Hugs precious lady..

Grandy..

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Yikes! Flooded kitchen- not what you need! ( re: self-nurturing etc atm)

I guess it will use up some of that excess energy- if thats how the emotion is affecting you. Anger usually does help any cleaning efforts of mine. Hope you're not feeling too overwhelmed by it all Em. And I hope the roof problem is fixed now...? Totally bucketing down here, flood scenes everywhere. We're safe and dry tho.

That makes sense, I can totally understand your delayed reaction. Especially becos you put so much energy into 'being present' and thats hard work. Frustrating if others aren't willing to do the hard work. Boundaries...

Huge hugs, hope you can get what you need today,

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Hi Grandy

Thankyou.

Thankyou also for saying you care for me.
I care deeply for you too.

That's really special.
That's a SPARKLE!

I need to have a nap.
I have a headache.

Lots to process today.
Feeling pretty emotionally spent tbh.

Love always
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Grandy just as I was posting to you, I heard a Quote on that podcast.....

Love is a 4 letter word spelt T-I-M-E.

Thankyou for your love and time.
It means so much to me.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

EM - to reply to your comment from 18th March, I guess it's fine.

[ecomama]

Hi J*

No the roof's not repaired lol, it's a Sunday and I'm not calling anyone out today.
I'll get someone later.

I have LOTS of buckets tho! lol.

No I didn't have a lot of extra energy.
I'm tired today, to be expected.

The anger was fleeting but I acknowledged it and it's source.

Anger can be from a lack of control.
I cannot help these young ppl, I saw yesterday, from abusing drugs and alcohol.
Plus if their parents accept this as "funny" and the norm and I even heard it said to me in this group 2y ago as a "rite of passage" WHICH I would not let pass by without strongly challenging this incredibly sick perspective.

Seeing this whole group creating a "culture" was my rocky paradigm shift.

I THANK GOD every single day that my own children do not do these things.
The self abuse and void filling.
SO SAD.

With all the love in the world J* my own family can never be replaced.
Not by this family or even by my own.

It was a huge yet necessary loss... the fall out from me going NC with my mother due to Police taking her to jail etc.
Like it was all my fault.

The bottom line?
I was PROTECTING my children.
That's it in a nutshell.

Loss of my family, the unforeseen fallout.

Yeah whatevs now.

There's STILL the void of not having those 39 adults and now grown children, their children who don't recognise me down the street... gosh even my Aunty strained to recognise me last time she ran into me.

So to them I'm nothing or gone or just someone to beach about behind my back...

that's not important.... I bought my Aunty lunch since she calls me a rich beach I may as well throw some around hey? lololol

to me I am everything.

I have CHOICES.
I have decisions to make about WHERE to spend my time and WHOM to spend it with. (Which is my lerve lol LOVE)...

and the never ending joy to be happy in my lifetime.

My nails look AWESOME lol. My make up was the bomb yesterday lol.

I will indeed pursue self-care and alot of it, this is becoming a natural thing to do now yay.

Need a nap.

Love to you
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I can see you have a lot to process at the moment. Sounds like you did all the right things for your friend and the family at the memorial. You've had more than a little practice at dealing with crises and grief, and have become solid as a rock in those times. Which of course doesn't mean you aren't struggling inside, but you understand the struggle and all its elements. I think that is a rare and valuable skill.

I completely agree with you about the culture of drugs and alcohol. Not that I don't like a few drinks (got me a well stocked bar and cocktail making gear), but moderation is a thing. Your feelings about it all are wholly understandable, and I'm glad you have made some space for feeling that and understanding it. And you're right - you can give support and good advice, but ultimately if they don't want to hear it, it ain't your circus.

I find myself grateful that you have the strength to say no to what is unhealthy for you and your family. The collateral damage of so many of your family turning their backs on you when you had to part ways with your mother... that's their choice and their loss. I expect they are the people who would have invited the chaos back into your life if they had remained in contact, as they clearly haven't the same strength to draw a line when it needs drawing. Keep being you, friend, it's working. This, I think, is why you have kids that make good life decisions - they see you modelling what it is to do so. It's not in what you say, it's in what they witness.

Crumbs, a flooded kitchen now, too! That's not what you need. And yet you take it in your stride. It'll get fixed when it gets fixed, and you're okay.

Really pleased to see you say that self-care is becoming a natural thing to do. I'm proud of you.

Blue.

[ecomama]

mb20lover said:EM - to reply to your comment from 18th March, I guess it's fine.

Hugs Tay.

Love EM