new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_4643]

Hi EM, and others.

Just wanted to say hello, I hope you're all well.

[ecomama]

Hey Tay and everyone, we're all really good thankyou for asking. 🌈🌴🌺

I got hit pretty hard with a text from my friend who lives in Qld. A girl I met when I was 4yo... we were close until 10yo, then reconnected a few years ago. The same beautiful girl.

She offered us all a safe house when I was advised to take the kids somewhere safe.
I drove and drove for days, safe houses along the way.

I'm forever grateful for her in our lives. Her WHOLE family welcomed us so warmly. My kids finally relaxed and LOVED being there.

***Trigger Warning***
She texted on my way to work. Her daughter is in a critical condition and not expected to live.

omg.
She asked for no questions.
I sent her love.

I had a meeting and was early and just cried! So did the beautiful lady who was running the meeting, the only one there.
Had meeting.
Started work.
Did all that fine.

Told a work friend after work and she cried with me too.
Then so did my Podiatrist.

This girl.... a beautiful, sweet, caring Nurse.
She played with my children and kept them distracted so her mum and I could talk.
It's not right she's been hurt so badly.

Her last sentence was "Make sure to hug your babies".

My dear friends going through such incredible grief.
And the Memorial on Saturday.
The grief is really saturating all around me atm.
AND THE RAIN, it's like God is mourning them too.

I'm so grateful for everyone and everything I have in my life.

Grief is such a shocking part of life.

Thanks for listening.

Lots of love EM

[Sophie_M]

Hey ecomama,

So sorry to hear about the grief you are dealing with right now.  It sounds like your friend and their family are really important to you and it can be very tough to lose such beautiful souls in this world.  Indeed, at times it can seem unfair and nonsensical.  

If you need a bit of extra support please get in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.  

You are not alone and there are supports for you to access during your time of grief and loss. The community is here to support you and cherish you input.   

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Sorry to hear you have been thrown such a painful curveball, today. Life has a way with those, doesn't it? It sounds like the whole family are beautiful people and certainly don't deserve this pain and grief. As you say, there is so much grief around you now, I understand why there have been a lot of tears. I am glad the family has a friend as good as you to share this with, though I know it's hard for you, too.

I'm waffling, I know. Pretty scattered with everything going on at the moment. Point being I hear you, I understand, and even when I'm not talking much, I'm paying attention. Here for you.

Blue.

PS Hi Tayla.

[Guest_4643]

Sorry for your loss EM

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em

Here is a gentle comforting hug lass...

Paws

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear EM...

Im so sorry to hear such sad news of your friends daughter..

Warm comforting hugs dear EM...

Grandy..

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much Sophie_M for that supportive message and a line to call.

Myself and mine are all going well. There's certainly some guilt at times about that. Well definitely is.

Grief, through loved one's passing, I'm pretty sad to say, is no stranger to me.

But over anyone's long lifetime, each person will get to know grief intimately.

I'm grateful I've had this long lifetime myself.
SO GRATEFUL.

So I'm allowing myself to gently grieve this even more shocking grief, a young person full of vigour and GOODNESS, our world is being robbed of again.
The timing of these losses is not our own.
I'd never want the younger people to "go first" anyway.

So this is the sadness. Too young, too soon kind of thing.

I understand the grieving process.
My mother taught this through SIDS groups she ran.
We were educated in it thoroughly.

So although it's 'loss and grief' to me also, I'm extremely mindful that these feeling are exponentially felt by their mothers most especially.

My compassion and support goes to them.

I've taken time out tonight to do alot of self-care.
Resting easy.
Breathing deeply.

I just need to be strong for my friends in 2 families now, so I will be.

Thankyou Sophie_M.
Yes I'm sad but I'm good.

Love always EM.

[ecomama]

***Trigger Warning*** grief and loss

Dearest Blue and Tay and Paws and Grandy,

Apologies for not responding separately to each of your heartfelt and very kind posts.

Please know that your messages mean the world to me.

I'm having a hard time actually believing this beautiful young woman is so critically ill.
Tbh besides sending my love via texts to my friend, I know the overwhelming grief of my other friend's family at the Memorial on Saturday will be so powerful, that I've decided to grieve one at a time, if possible.

I was able to do this many years ago when I lost my grandmother, my marriage and my father all within a few months.

I just grieved my grandmother.
I "pretended" my father was still alive. My psych friend at the time, was checking in alot and was okay with my "strategy" for managing too much grief.

THIS time for each of these young people, it's soooo different.
Their parents need me for support, and I'm so privileged and grateful they trust me enough to grieve to me.

This is such a precious and delicate time.
It's also suffocatingly sad at times -hence me remembering to breathe deeply.

Today the lady I work with before work, cried so much because SHE was still grieving with her friend.
Same with friend after work.
Same with Podiatrist.

I realised that we don't allow ourselves to fully grieve anyone..... until we do.

It took me c25y to fully grieve my grandmother.
She was THAT important to me.

But in times of great sadness or stress I do call upon my female ancestors to give me strength.
I know they loved and lost.
I know they knew grief.

So I'm feeling their energies soothing me.

I've not told any of my children about today's news.
We all need to get through the Memorial on Saturday.

Believe it or not, I'm not crying that much. Just when I explain things. Some times.

I'm not sure when I'll tell the children about Qld friend, she's on life support atm.

I'll Pray on this and be guided.

Thankyou for your support.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Such a difficult time.
and yes, it’s that thing that happens when we resonate with someone’s sad story- it triggers our own deep sadness. It’s why sad movies are so important, I feel. We need to grieve, more than we allow ourselves to.
my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I approve of your strategy, also. Whatever you can do to make it possible to continue on, take it in your stride, and be able to support your friends. Their grief does not need to overwhelm you, or else how can you be supportive of them when they need you to be?

nice sadness/ joy post on the quotes thread, if you feel like it.
love and hugs

J*