new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: Counselling and moving on and taking who you want with you.

Counselling last night was a bit haywire due to the Head Psych making the appt and my C expecting me to show up in person, meanwhile I was waiting for her to call lol.
I phoned, left a message and she called back.

She said I'm handling the big things that have happened really well.
But we shouldn't leave the appts so far between and I agree.
Next one in 2 weeks.

A really serendipitous thing happened today.
An old friend came to help with the huge Workshop event I had to oversee at work today.

We don't kid ourselves that we'll catch up in other ways.
We both have cups overflowing atm.

It was wonderful to tap into the interests I had for so long being around eco initiatives.

As much as we still DO most of those things at home, nowhere near as much in the lime light as before, but the Social / Emotional / Psychological stuff is probably where I'm heading more in my life's interest.

Anyway one of the things my C said filtered through and hit me today.
Saying it's going to be at least 2 years before we can travel to the U.S. "freely".... she's from America and can't visit her family as she did often before.

So instead of thinking too much about the "Oh NO points" of that...
I realised I have 2 years to get as much done here as possible.
Put extra on the mortgage, maybe re-mortgage for the cabin, get the cabin plans finished lol (that's dependent upon BF's time and focus there)... just "stuff".
I'd like to have it BUILT or almost built by 2y time.

Not sure if I can make that happen or not, it's great to have the goal though.

Yesterday I bought THE most luxurious bedding for my QS bed I'll have upstairs in April.
Love it all.
I was in the shop for about 15minutes before I realised I had zero triggers!
YAY!
Exposure therapy worked.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hey EM that's so exciting to be in a shop without triggers. u are smashing it! well done1!

[ecomama]

Thanks Sleepy!

Also CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I'm so relieved you've secured NDIS funding!!! omg. So happy for you.

I saw what you wrote on another thread and it was a "no reply" thread.
So I was trying to invoke the Sleepy to write here lol!!

You got my "message" via esp lol.... maybe soon we won't need the forums to communicate!
Oh only joking.

SO WELL DONE.

You need the strength and fortitude of a thousand wild beasts to get that funding sometimes.
You've shown that Sleepy, I'm so proud of you.

Huge hugs.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Yvette.

Yvette is still pretty much "recovering" from the intensive bullying over more than 6 months that led her to being clearly & explicitly excluded from her school 'friendship' group last week.

This news was devastating to us both, most of these girls she'd known since 4yo. It's so sad.
"Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do". I've been Praying for them.
On top of one son's exclusion from his & him signing out of school yesterday.
Son had to face each teacher for signatures, said it was pretty stressful talking with each one over & over again, explaining what his plans were.
(ON a side note, this son has been so loving & willing to help out with the kids - driving them to school when he can for their safety, that I've put him paying Board "on hold". I think that's more than fair, since he offered willingly & has been so wonderful).

I spoke with my Counsellor about it all and pinpointed some elements that helped Yvette pull through quickly... (she's still got alot of ground to make tho..)
* I asked her to immediately block the bullies and she already had. Awesome.
* listening. Me and other family members just listening... (I had to train the others to do this).
* offering hugs. Some lasted ages.
* allowing her alone time.
* allowing her to have some time out from school>> turned out to be 2 days over 3.

MY "actions":
* listen whenever she's ready to share.
* give her space.
* allow her to cry as much as she needed to.
* continue overt self-care.
* give her ONE strategy.

Then after the initial impact settled...
* writing her little post it notes, sending texts, calling her.
* she opposed the strategy I gave her (she has ODD and we both know it lol) >> she ended up following thru and indeed contacting other ppl she knew over her days off >> this has been very positive!
* she has a new group to sit with at break times now, THANK GOD. They seem to be more collaborative.
* she's dropping 1 subject & changing another. Great.

IN that last group she was squashed, used, vilified, thrown away.

Yet at work she's showing such leadership skills that the Big Boss contacts her to work when any new ppl are on, so she can train them. Great!
Her Big Boss is SO protective over her. Without knowing details of the abuses she suffered, he immediately bulldozes any & ALL attempts of demon et al making contact.

She's also saved money in my account towards her car! $500 so far!

I'm so proud of her in so many ways.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey blondguy Paul (and Geoff too)

Thankyou for your suggestion you made a number of posts ago.

I decided to confer with my Counsellor about joining that space.

I felt that maybe it was too soon to involve myself in any thing more atm.
Seeings as I am only returning to FT this year after a long break and only being PT for ages.

My Counsellor agreed.

I think I'll give it a year more being on the forums and see how I go with the application next year. It's best I learn how to manage the added responsibilities at work for quite a while before taking anything else "on". (My colleagues have been "Oh yeah! She's back!" and grabbing me left right and centre atm lol, it's alot).

I sincerely thank you for your acknowledgement and appreciate all you do for me and us all here. It hasn't gone unnoticed!!

Many Blessings to you.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: our closest people showing signs of secondary trauma.

Last week BF shared how anxious he gets when we don't talk for a few days.
We talked about it.... I assured him I'd keep up communication. Apologised for the MIA periods.

Then tonight Alexa couldn't get hold of us via text or call, then her mind immediately went into extreme and bizarre scenarios of demon going full on ballistic and us not here any more.
We could talk about this rationally and the "likelihood" of such a disordered person doing so.

2 examples in a week and I can see what's happened.
WE'VE been doing all the work to recover from the multiple layers of trauma and abuse.

The 2 people outside our home who love us the most, have not sought or received the same help.

So now they're showing signs of POST our trauma stress. Aka as Secondary Trauma.

Plus their own stressors I'm sure.
But clearly this is about their deep concerns for OUR safety. Hence secondary.

I can also see the timing was AFTER demon et al made contact and were seen around the kid's workplaces.
Also the hard line the kid's Big Bosses were taking with demon etc's attempts at contact.

So sure it's still serious in nature.

But when it was put to Yvette how she would react, she said "Bring it ON". "I'm ready for it".
Her well practiced Safety Plan is tight.

Yes I can't stand that we're living like this tbh.
Choices?
None really.

This is OUR HOME too.
We WILL outlive the worst abusers.
We're determined too lol!

one set of demons family are kind and compassionate... they've already shown their support of us recently with no effort from us.

I think of them all as annoying insects now tbh. Weak, spineless, greedy, creatures.

We had an AWESOME family dinner out at an AWESOME restaurant tonight.
It was funny and we laughed SO MUCH!
Great food too!

With every calm moment, every joyful thought, every happy family occasion, every happy pet cuddle lol, every gain we make in any way at all.... we're the true winners. Always will be.

Work's going SO WELL too!
I had tears of gratitude today at some miraculous gains made by my interventions.
3y of other ppl working with same family.
6 weeks of me directing support for them and they've made the same gains as previously made in 3y.
Gobsmacking progress.

Miracles happen.

SO GRATEFUL!

Onwards and UPwards peeps.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

I can totally understand your response to stressful times - ie filling the cupboard. That’s my safety go to as well. Or cooking stupid amounts of food for 3 ppl. It feels like, if I have food I’m ok. Although I never went hungry as a child I often did as an adult, doing my travelling and hippy thing.
food is security in so many ways!

oh I really feel for Yvette atm.
the best thing tho is that she has your support, and the support of the other family and work crew. That is amazing, and that’s what’s going to get her through.

huge hugs Em.
I’m off to our counselling appt and then job interview. !!

talk soon,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Boy, it's been busy in here. I'm not even close to keeping up as far as writing a response, but I have read and assimilated. I know there is a lot going on with you and your family, and you are working hard as always to keep it all together. It's important to see you are aware of trauma responses like the "holocaust" response, and also of the "secondary trauma" shown in your loved ones. I hope they can accept maybe talking to someone isn't a silly idea.

Overall I think you and the kids are handling all this stuff really well. Of course there are going to be some bad days, but you beat them, and that counts.

The win you had at work is really good, too. Knowing you can make such a difference in people's lives is huge. If you can do it for them, you can (and do) do it for you and your family. It's all connected.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey,

sorry, I feel like I’m only posting half posts atm. Here’s the other half!

em, I honestly don’t know what to say in response to the difficulty for you guys, moving fwd, being whole and healthy and having the joyous life you guys deserve, yet demon AND his family still being such a visible and constant part of your new life.
my heart breaks for you, I can totally understand loved ones being afraid for you, AND I’m totally in awe of you and your beautiful family! You are, as Blue says, doing really well.
I’m so proud of you eco mama! Anyone who is lucky enough to be in your orbit cannot help but be affected by the positive force your being, it’s so huge!

I'm glad you’re gona focus on you, your job, and your kids, (oh, plus getting that cabin done, and a hundred other projects- you wear me out girl!)

Seriously, enjoy your weekend, hope you get some radical self care in there xxx And thankyou for the cheers! Love that family tradition, I Felt like doing something radical and special! But takeaway pizza was as good as it got 😉

hughughughughuglol!

J*

[ecomama]

Aww thanks lovely friends.

It means so much to have you all in my life.

When no one else understands right now. YOU wonderful, patient & caring people do.
The comfort from having that, can never be expressed in words.

Just know 100% that I appreciate every single one of you to bits!

I'm feeling really good!

I'm gonna take the calm times in my life and FEEL every bit of calm and fun and LOVE and excitement and anticipation of what's ahead in my world, both here and IRL.
My poodle is snuggling right now, awwww.

you know what demon can do with itself lol. whatevs. the more I diminish it the more its diminished

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had an "impulse" today to just go get my nails done.
I spoke with BF about it & he said I should go to the Beauty Shop! Gosh he's gorgeous lol.

Straight from work, with no appt, I walked in.
Got the works done on my feet & awesome glittery gel polish on my toenails, oh yeah!
Then I went the whole hog lol. Asked for gel nails & same polish on my fingernails.

FANCEEE lol. The last time I had this done was in Switzerland with BF!

Yep I deserve that. I need no reason at all but I always want to rationalise any "spoiling myself"... so I have. Just believe me lol. (I'm also preparing myself calmly for a very emotional Memorial next weekend. Whatever I can do to bolster myself now will help).

I'm making self-care the NORM.

I'm so proud of me!
I opened up to BF about something deeply personal about myself. Something that happens & has happened since childhood.
I've hinted it in the past.
Today I was open about it.

I know over the weekend, he'll have lots of questions about it.
I'm good with that.

We've entered a higher realm in our relationship.
We thought we trusted each other... but it's evident that trust has deepened.
He always tells me he's proud of me, which is really cute too.

Thankyou for being proud of me too J*. It means alot!

Vet in morning. Traineeship Interview with Yvette straight after. Long drive to drop kids to a NEW work place (gee thanks lol). Then pickup late from there.
Sunday dentist for me.

My new clothes drier works a TREAT!

My flashy "professional" minimalism efforts are A - MAZE - ING Blue.
LOVE IT!!
omg can't describe the feeling of walking through my HOME!!
MY Home. 😉

Love EM 🌈🌴🌺