new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM and all,

Holy moley it got busy in here! I'll just focus on your last post to me, that's about as far as my attention span goes, haha.

Glad Yvette's party went well, sounds like everyone had plenty of fun.

Great to hear your podiatrist's techniques are working and your feet are doing so much better. Pain in the feet can really make so much of life a lot harder than it needs to be.

Yeah, it's such a trope in movies, the person everyone wants gets all interested in the one that says no, because it's a new experience and a challenge. Kinda gross if you ask me, the conquest mentality.

If only those traits were "weird", EM. If anything, they're kinda the norm. We're the weird ones, not manipulating and carrying on to get what we want.

Hm, sounds like this "friend" is dodgy as heck. I'd be backing off from that relationship, personally, sounds toxic.

Sounds like you've got some really good and healthy communication going with your partner, I'm exceedingly glad to hear it. It's especially important to be open about influences that have the potential to rock the boat, and to be in accord about how to handle it. And the date night, so glad it went well.

I'm just shaking my head at what you said about Queenslander keeping his ex from knowing about his flings. That's some seriously unhealthy thinking. While he's busy chasing after you, no less. This guy is totally just following his dingdong around, there's no real thought going on at all.

I hear you about the not single friend. All I can say about both her and Queenslander is that the people we keep near us reflect our own morals and values, and what influences we are willing to accept in our lives. In that way, I am the moral police, I ditch anyone that doesn't live up to certain standards - i.e. no known adulterers, manipulators and deceivers in my orbit, no way - these people cause too much trouble and it's not my job to save their shrivelled little souls. You seem to have more tollerance for that sort of stuff, just please tread carefully and protect yourself from unhealthy influences.

Glad to see the whole bully escapade is continuing to be managed well. Go you!

Sorry to hear prodigal son's relationship is over. I guess I understand his hesitance to tell you your predictions were correct. Of course you're not the type to give him a hard time for it, now he knows that as well as the other valuable things. Humans will insist on learning everything the hard way. May he come away with new strength.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey blondguy Paul, and Geoff and hi to Sleepy, Blue, J* and anyone else reading,

Paul you're very considerate, thankyou for the link. I really hope you're doing okay. Hugs and ofcourse respect too!!! More hugs lol.

Thanks Geoff, I had replied to Paul's post but it was late and I'm not sure where it went!
Thankyou, I'd like to understand more but thankyou for outlining some things for me and us all.

Hey Sleepy, yeah I guess it's a thing!

I'll see how I got with following up.
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, hope you're doing okay?

Thankyou for your detailed response, I most certainly agree lol - no surprises there!

Omg you made me laugh!! at this >>> "In that way, I am the moral police, I ditch anyone that doesn't live up to certain standards - i.e. no known adulterers, manipulators and deceivers in my orbit, no way - these people cause too much trouble and it's not my job to save their shrivelled little souls."

Aha hence I've been divorced so many times lol!!

I can't do that with my friendships too easily and be happy with my decision.
But I do avoid the turmoil they create. Not my monkeys nor circuses.
Sometimes I most definitely DO axe "friendships" that have that in it, to save my headspace lol.

I have a slightly different perspective on what's weird, what's normal etc.
I say to my kids and to my closest friends, including YOU... "Just because something is COMMON, doesn't mean it's normal."

It's not normal to cheat, lie, deceive, manipulate, steal (basically I view the first 4 there as theft).
These behaviours show disturbed personalities VS INTEGRATED CHARACTERS (Covey talks about the difference alot).

So I won't normalise any of it.

Seriously I doubt I'd have any friends at all if I put my own standards upon them.
EG I used to have that attitude about ppl who artificially fed their babies... I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate.
I would only associate with breastfeeding families.

Then I had this HUGE paradigm shift.
I asked myself WHY and found answers for myself that didn't match my core value system.
When I changed my inclusion factors then I was able to influence MANY friends to breastfeed their next babies, in fact ALL of them. Through research, information, support etc (but this was my Volunteer role anyway lol).

Same with ppl who used pesticides! Hahaha.

I don't take that role on with friendships.

BF and I do have excellent communication lol, it's the only way this LDR has survived.
I'd never betray him, he knows that. We have each other's backs.

Qlder and "single-not-so-single-friend" lol, it'll be interesting to hear what the latter says about her trip! I'm not phoning Qlder for a while now, even tho it's "my turn" to call lol!
He'll call when he plans on coming down.

We have 3 known friends with terminal illnesses who live near me, so we planned on visiting them together.

At our grand ages, we can call each other's bs out. Which we do. It's fine lol. I'll let you know how it all goes!

Yep the kids are great!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Okay is relative. I'll get into that in my threads.

Haha, glad you got a laugh out of my perspective. Also the reason I have a few crappy long-term relationships behind me.

No, I'm not too quick to end friendships either, it's not a decision to make lightly. I think we are alike in valuing the people and relationships in our lives, but also in knowing when it's best to cut our losses for our own good.

I'm pretty literal with my definition of normal. From Oxford (my favourite dictionary), it's "Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.". These things are, if not explicitly, then tacitly accepted in our society. It is the role of people like us to work on de-normalising them.

Oh, I don't hold anyone to the standards I hold for myself, that would mean no friends at all. But there are certain things I will accept, and certain things I will not - for instance, those who are willing to destroy someone else's relationship and trust to satisfy their loins - outski. Differences are hugely important in friendships, it's how we learn and break the back of bigoted attitudes. Most moral/philosophical differences are in the grey areas and don't do that same level of harm, so I can work with it and encourage people in a better direction if I see stuff I'm not happy about.

Yep, it definitely takes superior communication skills to keep a long distance relationship going, especially with any degree of success.

That's too "bad movie" for me, I wouldn't want to hear her tales. It may be of entertainment to you, we think differently on those things. Yeah, I'm sure you'll hear from him soon enough. It's good that you are all taking the time to see those terminally ill friends, I begin to see the glue holding you together.

Ha, yep, I hear that. It's good to be able to do it, not much of a friendship without being able to, I think.

Lovely. Of course they are.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, feeling a bit yuck this arv. Had a headache with no headache tablets at work, had to buy some on the way home. But it made me feel quite nauseas... I think my instincts were spot on...

I knew "something" was coming...

I had a little cry, not much but the news was really disappointing. One of my sons wants to leave Year 12 at THIS stage. Only 7 months left to finish but nope, he's leaving.

I KNOW these are not my decisions to make, but to be absolutely honest, I PAY for my kids bad decisions in so many ways. At this late stage of the game lol (only a few left at home) I'm sick of it.

No one can make good decisions 100% of the time.
I think UNLESS we do TRY to make them then we're not bolstered by the left field and curved balls that life throws at us, or more responsibly speaking, when we make bad decisions - even thinking we are making a good or even fair decision at the time.

So he's signing out tomorrow. Sighhh. You can lead a horse and all that..

Any more banter on the subject and it's all "white noise" tbh.
It's so blatantly clear this is a mistake. And I already know it's his mistake but I already know I'll "suffer" for it. That's the part that's not fair.

Yeah I hear you about the normalising stuff. demons sister called me a "princess" when she heard my objections to the knowledge of demons "only one affair", saying "oh get over yourself, EVERY ONE cheats" - and there it is, lock stock and barrel of THOSE ppls standards.

But I wouldn't FINANCE that.
Bottom line - why should I? LOL!
D Day came and I got all my monies OUT of joint accounts to one in my sole name, changed passwords etc.
Doneskis.

They didn't let up for YEARS trying to get money out me.
Dear Lord if they're not still trying thru the children.
The lies I've had to combat from Agencies you wouldn't believe.

I can't believe there are ppl who INVITE stuff like that into their lives.

I guess I need to work out a weekly "Board and lodging payment" with son now. Blerghhh.
Plus he can pay for his own phone now... and he thought the real world was somewhere he wants to be at his young age with a supportive mother... cheeses, my kids don't realise how unbelievably fortunate they are.

Yvette does.
The ones that left home have.
The others may much later when they've got to deal with it ALL by themselves.
Or not, IDK. Maybe that's not my circus either or won't be, who knows.

The pets are great! lol.

Love EM

[Jack2021]

Hiya em 😊

Soo sorry for the late reply, the days and nights escape me sometimes haha

Hmmmm yeah I hope so.....so much of the time I think "I got this" then other things come in and change the whole plan and my whole mindset....I'm pretty pretty sure I'm not bipolar, but seriously, some days I feel like I can do anything, while other days I feel like I can't do a single thing

Hmmm yeah one step at a time is really what I need to be trying more of, instead of trying to do many things at once...I guess it's one of things I've always done/ always been expected to do...but that needs to change...that and many things need to change for sure 😱😱😱😱

Ohh yeah totally I agree when it comes to who to tell...I only tell close friends and some family members, and yeah...I deff don't tell everyone, bit at the same time I guess I'm pretty open with it...its more other parts of my life I'm more private about, like my job or skills or qualifications, etc,etc....tall poppy syndrome is very common is all I'll say haha...not that my job is necessarily any good, or my skills, or qualifications, but people always have some sort of jealous superiority complex and just love trying to tear others down...at least that's what I've seen a heck of a lot of...


Anyway hope you've been well em 😊😊
Also a quick hi and thank you to jstar as well 😊

[ecomama]

Hi Jack, great name btw lol.

You said "people always have some sort of jealous superiority complex and just love trying to tear others down...at least that's what I've seen a heck of a lot of..."

Yep me too. Sometimes jealous full stop, then trying to hide it with cruel, cutting criticism.
You know a friend of mine said to me ages ago... when someone is pointing their finger at you, they have 3 times the fingers pointing back at themselves. Pity they don't notice this.

It takes me AGES to recognise this jealousy stuff. Wish I could detect it immediately. I'm getting better!

Great work that you can see it quickly.

Sounds like you're "in a hurry" to possibly improve things?

I guess all of us here could be ppl motivated to improve our MH at least, hopefully that's true lol.

I know Blue and I have been in a huge hurry to get our finances back in order after tremendous financial abuse.

What are you looking at improving, or working on, Jack?

Tonight I've been bamboozled by one son's decision to leave Year 12.
He's signing himself out of school tomorrow.
His school friends group has completely ousted him.

Then my youngest daughter's worst stories of exclusion by her friends so far.
They've completely ousted her in one fell swoop today too.

I came home from work with a headache and nausea to THESE 2 huge things.

So I'm feeling rather worse for wear.

In talks with my kids tonight, I reminded them to remember WHO they are.
These left field things, or curved balls can come from nowhere sometimes seemingly.

Then starting from almost scratch all over again. Keeping steadfast and focussed on one's own goals is paramount.

Fortunately for both kids they have a really awesome group of work friends.
Really mature in many ways. VERY responsible. Supportive and kind too. More like my kids themselves.

Some ppl are only with us for "a season" and we'd not realise this at the time.

It's important not to have all your eggs in one basket!
Now I'll take my own advice lol, not sure how to implement this well in my life atm, but I'll reflect upon this over the weekend.

First I'll need TONS of self-care.

Take care,
Love EM

[blondguy]

Hey EM and everyone

I just dropped my LG V30 (cell phone) into my dogs water bowl and its soggy yet still working...at the moment..

Hopefully someone else finds this as amusing as I have.....Life is short! I dont pay for broadband as I use this phone as a 'hotspot' for my PC

This is a great thread EM and thankyou for the care you provide to so many people

Hugs

Paul

[ecomama]

Hey Paul, that's funny???

Oh dear!

My kid's trick is to sink the whole phone in dry rice.
They actually make up a big zip lock bag of it and take their phone everywhere in it for about 3-5 days.

Sometimes this works a treat lol...

Usually the phone's left with some glitches.

Bestest wishes Paul!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: dealing with bamboozling times with kids.

I'm working today but both one son & Yvette are not going to school.

It was a pretty horrid afternoon yesterday.
Suddenly at about 1pm I felt instantly ill - headaches / nausea.

I didn't find out until 9pm when Y came home from work that she'd just gone through the worst, by far, friendships issue at school. She was at home by then crying her eyes out (only had half day).
ALL of her friendship group have exiled her in clear & explicit, cutting words at school & via social media from the group she sits with at breaks / in classes.

She now says she has "no one" and is all alone (at school).

Son - same! I'd wondered why we hadn't seen ANY of his school friends for months here.
He finally told me HE had been exiled from the group weeks ago.
But this was AFTER he told me he's leaving Year 12 asap.

I heard son's pleading to leave school and asked him to consider just finishing... he insisted and I can't stop him anyway. I was upset. He left on a good note to visit a work friend & decided to sleep over there.

I was really upset for Yvette.
She doesn't want to change schools, says she can't begin with new teachers etc all over again.
But she's right back to where she felt the worst last year.
She's too young to leave. She wants to try to hang on until she's old enough to leave & finish her traineeship with no school.
She settled, was having the next day off.

I thought son's thing was a fait accompli then.
Went to sleep.

1am I woke and felt ill again.
10 mins later son texted about all sorts of stuff, panicking about his entry into the Police force mostly and how he can't get good marks in his state of mind.
I was Googling things and sent him a link etc.

SO IDK what to do about this.
I said I'd talk with son over the weekend.
I asked if I could phone school and see if he can swap to a non-atar as he wanted, he agreed.
I don't think this is the "best" path... IDK!
But it seems there are various paths he could take - maybe, if he could handle it, that is.

Breathe OUT.

Last night amongst the turmoil, I just cried.
I cried over not having a partner to help (not that ANY partner has ever helped before - just made things worse in all cases).
So in the peak of my upset, I said "I've got this". Had a few grrrs too lol.

I KNOW why the friendship issues started. They're from bias and prejudice.
They stink.

So grateful the kids have their work friends!

MOVING FORWARD through thick times.

EMxxxx