new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: workplace bullying and dealing with it.

I was called on my personal phone today during lunch time by a person at work and she went off her nut at me. Then hung up on me.

I stood my ground with the call.
She started "kitchen sinking" another issue which is a stupid one bec it demands I'm in 2 places around 100m apart at exactly the same moment.
Hmmm.

Bully doesn't realise I have a recording app on my phone lol.
Certainly comes in handy at times!

My more rational reaction and steps I'm going to take involve:
- speaking with my Union Rep before work tomorrow about this,
- refusing to allow bully to speak to me (unless it's an apology ofcourse) without my Union Rep present,
- speaking with the Supervisor who bully threw in the deep end over this (bully shirking responsibility for what she was supposed to do & blame shifting),
- leaving TWO places early every day, so to be at the NEXT place at exactly the RIGHT TIME.

I knew this schedule was going to be an issue the moment I saw it with bully's name there.

For no other reason than bec my previous boss hated me, so she does, I've been 100% perfect in all my dealings with said bully. I am professional, polite, the whole shebang.

Both bully and previous boss hated me bec I was "from a position in the Federal Govt" - professional jealousy. Just dumb really.

I'm a straighty 180 and they can't stand it.
I don't drink alcohol which they also hate.
Just dumb reasons in my book.

One Supervisor I spoke to about this directly after the call, looked at the schedule and said she'd "back me up 100% all the way" bec bully was wrong.

There's an added left field person, skilfully adding fuel to the fire of previous boss's & bully's hatred. Back again at work. She's been demoted and is scornful but trying hard to hide it.
NOT a good influence.

What a great way to end the working week! LOL!

Going out with a bang. Ahhh whatevs, throw it on the pile!

MY GOOD NEWS is that I heard back from the Revenue Dept, they let me off with a caution for those $1400 worth of fines!!! Omg yippeee!
Now THIS is what's worth filling my mind with!

GOOD NEWS.

There's more. Ys party prep is coming along well. It's pretty exciting actually. She's been doing so well.

Looking forward to Sat for the party AND my new clothes drier LOL! (Undecided which I'm more excited about - joking - I think).

BF is travelling to Alaska for work this week.
He wants to meet me in CUBA next time lol.
Sigh if only, time will tell.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Em!

Thats gorgeous! Y's work being cool with a party happening while she was working, and all the fam getting in on it. Boss sounds amazing too 🙂

Honey, I'm so glad glad GLAD for you! Life is made to be beautiful, and after all you've been thru, this is just the start.

Yeah I hear you on the regret- waste of time def. Better to take your chances, esp with love.

Hope BF can handle being anxious occasionally tho-holy moly! everyday is a big commitment! I don't think I could talk to anyone everyday!

My H is a bit like this tho. With wanting verbal contact, even if there's nothing to say. But that all don't matter no more!

Onwards and upwards!

I'm so pleased for you, hope all goes well for the party. Cake sounds amazing, did you save me some LOL>!

New dryer too- must be you're getting some of this rain too. Torrential here at times.

Apologies for the brevity, but I'll be thinking of you. ENJOY!!!!

🧡💛💚💙💜💗🍰🎈

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

How are you feeling today?
I know you came onto the forums for plenty of reasons.... tbh I'm concerned things are worse in your marriage than I understood.

I am NO expert at marriage ahhhh nope, I tried my darnedest!!
I'm pretty expert at divorce though. 😵🥴

It can become pretty acidic and acrimonious really quickly I've found EVEN IF we never intend it to be that way. Hence me mentioning the free Women's Legal Service to you.
Family Law is a minefield to anyone. I studied FL, pertaining to my case, for 2y before I was in Court. I actually knew more of the Law than the legal ppl did at the time. It's SO MUCH.

We'll be here regardless of whatever you go through. Hugs.

Yes I know! Yvette's Bosses are AMAZING. Her Big boss outshines the other shiny ones. They are exceptional people, SO MATURE and yet all under 30yo. And boy are they protective of their workers, esp the girls.

Y had a customer rub her back in a weird way the other night and from the CCTV footage her bosses wanted to call the Police and press charges!
Not sure where they're up to with that. I think Y asked for a Warning to be issued to the customer by Police but they don't usually do that IME. Although they did to both demon and one of it's affair partners 30yo older than it - they were going to town on each other and I sat back and watched the circus.
Little did I know demon was even worse than that.

Well today I HOPE I sorted out the "workplace bullying event" that happened to me yesterday.
I was straight down the line.
Said I won't be spoken to by that staff member without my Union Rep present.
I won't allow anyone to listen to the recording of the abusive call from bully to me without Legal Advice - independent of my Union.

I had the entire schedule changed by my Big Boss today.
So a few people were disciplined today, NOT ME.

An apology would be nice but I'd go grey waiting for one lol! My Big Boss apologised but she's a sweetheart and she's NOT like them at all. She didn't do anything!

My oesophagus twisted painfully last night in my sleep with the nightmares over work.
I woke up and stayed awake for 3h, decided to mop all the floors lol.

Then had a couple of hours sleep before work.

Besides all that garbage I had a nice day at work. Bullies were avoiding me like the plague lol!
Man I WOULD TOO.

1 sleep before the party, still so much to do.
I need a nap first I think!

Talk soon
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I've been better, to be honest. Tired mostly. I'll save that conversation for my thread(s).

It never rains, but it pours. Of course you're busier than ever for Yvette's party week.

Really glad to hear the new podiatrist is getting things right. Has the aching in the rest of your body started to ease up from the changes to how you're walking?

I see. Queenslander likes the challenge of a lady who says no, huh? As for his confusion about you continuing to do so, that's his problem. Being clear about your boundaries is yours, as is deciding what to do if he still doesn't respect them. I hope he gets the message and puts your friendship over what his dingdong wants, if you'll excuse the vernacular. I cringe at the thought of your (very not single) mutual friend chasing after this guy. We humans sure know how to make things messy.

I'm glad you've talked more in depth with your partner about this, and about the boundaries. I understand his distrust of Queenslander's motives, but it's good to see he gets that it's about you not him. You said "Potential affair partners are a dime a dozen. It's not THEIR responsibility to keep my r/ship sanctified. It's mine." Couldn't have put it better, myself. Respect.

A lot has been going on since we last spoke on here. I'm seeing great progress with your mental health (that understanding of "oxygen on self first" is so valuable), and how enthused you've been for Yvette's party fun. Love the flowers, apology and loads of communication from your partner, that's awesome. Heck, of course you guys are scared - there's so much history for you both, and the distance and worries for safety. That's natural. But not worth holding back from each other when you could gain so much from the closeness. I had to face that demon myself, committing to a relationship with someone as ill as my partner - so help me, the man was too beautiful not to risk it for. Might be time for one of those leaps of faith you talk about...

How did your date night go, by the way?

Sorry to hear about the bully at work. What a jerk, no-one needs that. Sounds like you handled it really well and are being treated respectfully by your employers, that's good news.

Kind thoughts to you, EM.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

You DO have a lot going down atm. Take it easy at least mentally on yourself sister!

Y's party is on right now lol. All's going well, GORGEOUS kids.

Podiatrist is a miracle maker lol. I've worked SO hard this week all day, all night till midnight, beyond & ALL day again today, zero swelling.
My body is feeling it!
Correction is a THANG!
Aching calves & glutes only atm... BF said he's very happy with that, but don't ever change lol.

Qlder, you nailed it there! I think he's shocked that I've kept saying no. He even proposed to me a few years ago, I said "Maybe next life" lol.

Ppl are weird Blue, like REALLY weird. Manipulators and deceivers to get what THEY want, no matter the cost to others. Ding dong for sure lol.

NOT single friend, what IS that?
SHE has never said any affectionate / "chasing" stuff about Qlder to me... actually held up her high fidelity standards to me like my last marriage was MY fault? (and worse).
Ummm no.
I'm not backward in coming forward for blame shifting. Anyway I've noticed some weird behaviours of hers and some drug related reasons why. I am a HUGE NO person to drugs.

I think her BF would be horrified at what even I know.

BF and I discussed what I'm going to say to Qlder IF his persistence continues.
I actually wanted BFs "permission" as it was personal and of private content.
Bf said "Okaaaay babyyyyy" like he wasn't sure, he's extremely modest in public.
We talked more and BF agreed.
Now THAT information would make Qlder cower lol! It would make him KNOW there's no chance I'd ever betray BF.
Date night was wonderful.😍😍

What's weirder?
Qlder said he's kept all his flings under the radar from his exW in case there's another chance with her... after 11y separation (and Divorce)... umm???
Deception much?

Then when he asked me how I'm feeling & I simply responded "I'm finding my feet and realising all THIS is mine alone and finally being able to breathe to full capacity..." he said "It's time you moved on".

I have. 🤣😂😎 my sunnies broke this week, I'm getting NEW ones as opposed to hand me ups lol.

I'll take him to task over those stupid things he said.
And I'm just about sick of NOT single friend too lol, just in the way she's been trying to deceive ME about her morals and values.
I'm not the moral police lol, I don't care.
But pick at ME?

Ummm, I have that effect lol.

bully was dealt with well.

I have news about p.son... wow.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: things going well and omg p.son!

Yvette's party and even the prep for it has been lots of fun.
She has gorgeous work friends and omg some are beautiful kiddies I knew through my work as little children!
So nice to see them again and that they're going so well now.

P.son got here at 2am last night and worked getting things ready downstairs for another 2 hours with the others. I slept thru the lot!

I noticed p.son had been "different" in his texts for a while now... I asked if everything was ok and he said things were great!

Still, I had a niggling feeling.

Tonight he drew up a chair with me and Alexa and told us both that I was right.
I had no idea what he was talking about.
He said I was right about just about everything I said to them both before he left home, he was sorry, he and GF broke up.
I found out later and I'm not supposed to know... that they broke up BEFORE Christmas!

I'm still shocked. Getting used to the idea.
He cried for disappointing me and making me so sad.
He was afraid I wouldn't forgive him.
Awww baby boy.

I told him how I'd reflected upon his decision from his POV and he had no other choice but to follow his heart at the time. If he'd stayed bec I was so upset then he could've blamed & resented ME if they'd broken up.

But it gave me NO pleasure to be right. None.

In fact I was sad.
He said they were still good friends.
Alexa was excited that he was coming home asap.
I knew he wouldn't.

He opened up about the difference between living with that family and living here. He's lost so much weight. And even about their "bins"... it's "character vs personality" stuff.

He's getting above a 90% average at his new school.
He'll get into Accountancy at Uni easily at this rate.

So it's strange we may never see GF again but there it is.

The only constant is change.

Cake time!

Love EM

[Jack2021]

Hiya em it's jack from the other thread 😊😊

Just shooting that "pool ball" at ya haha
(really hoping that doesn't have any other double meaning by the way!! 😂😂)

I hope all is well with you, so sorry again if I came off as overly negative or moody before, just had a lot of setbacks last weekend....

Been "going down the slide" as I saw you describe it in one of your posts so well....hoping I've stopped and I can go back up the steps again, but it's very much wait and see for me...heck I've only just realised today when I looked at my calendar, that I haven't worked all of February, I'd resigned from a new casual/temp job at the end of Jan after just severe severe "worst depression of my life" sort of thing,
took me 2 weeks to even think about returning to work, then decided to try for a career change - study and volunteer for a bit, and then see if I can fit in some small jobs for 1-2 days a week just to get by until the course finishes....still waiting on both to start though which is frustrating to say the least.....

[ecomama]

Hey Jack, oh I'm so sorry if you took my comments as you being overly negative, heavens that's what this whole forum is for (in my POV) to be open and honest, pour it all out etc.
If we DON'T do that here in an anonymous forum, then where can we do this, right?
BIG HUGS!!!

I don't respond to so many ppl here.
I do pick and choose.
Not that I'm "ever so special" or anything lol, just that my time is limited.
Also I have to maintain my own MH, be the head of my huge family and work too lol.
Plus I'm not a MH professional lol!!!

But when I see a spark in someone, like HUGE potential, I just want to TELL THEM.

That's what I saw in you immediately.

Hey depression sucks. Anxiety does too. I know these well but only for myself.
Both of these can take over a person's life and consume them, months and years can go by...
Really there's only one way and it's a downward spiral as you related to.... it's a thang!

UNLESS YOU take the helm.

Jack you most certainly can do this.

Ppl who don't know me (even at work) think my attitude towards life is because I've had it easy or some rot lol..

The truth is that THIS is the essence of WHO I really am.

Sure us humans are tribal in nature, we need connections with others to be mentally well and live a wholehearted life.
But on the other hand, as you're uncomfortably realising, we're also born alone and die alone and spend our whole lives with Number One, ourself.

So your PRIMARY work is with yourself.
It's your Number One project now that you find yourself in a bit of a pickle.
Truth be know it probably always should have been... IDK.

Becoming "independent" so we can be healthy for ourselves and others is a great goal.

So what's the caper?
Instead of asking how life is treating you, I want to ask how you're treating life?

I've had some really deep and interesting (sometimes concerning lol) convos with Psychs lately who I'm friends with and work with.

My "take" in my own POV of Mental HEALTH, is many things in many sectors, but it's all about spectrums atm...
So you can place yourself on a spot on a "spectrum" and aim to move towards the mentally HEALTHY end - EMPOWERED.
Knowing what that is for you and doing whatever it takes to get there.

It's OKAY wherever you "are" atm.
It's important to KNOW where you are moving towards.

Welcome and I'm so glad you popped in.
Please share.

You've got this Jack! Even if you don't think so atm, you most definitely HAVE!

Love EM

[Jack2021]

Hiya em 😊

No definately nothing at all you said was negative, it was just me being that way a little....
as much as I can't believe it now, I used to be a pretty positive person only a few years ago (still had my demons of course, and it was never 100% positivity and happiness by any means lol, but yeah most of the time I did generally used to feel "good" )

Mmmm so true so true, I try my best to be as open and honest as I can with my feelings and emotions on here as it's what helps me the most, thanks sooo much 😊😊😊

Oooh yeah that totally totally makes sense, and definately sounds like you are doing the right thing by yourself which is most important 😊

Thanks sooooo much, it really means a lot....I really do want to try and focus on myself some more just as you said, yep number one project now and yes absolutely right it should have always been, but sadly it was not always....although fundamentally I've always done things I've wanted to do, but at the same time, I've always been settling for what I Can do, rather than what I really Want to do...even though most of the time I've never been quite sure what that was....

I am trying to do something like what you mentioned in the spectrums...knowing where I am and aiming for moving towards the more healthy end...just hoping to slowly get more and more better everyday or week is my target I guess...

Thanks soooo much 😊😊
Your kindness really means a lot 😊😊 no idea if I got this...but trying the best I can and hoping for the best as well

Thanks sooo much em 😊

[Jstar49]

Hey Em, and hi to all here, ( HI Jack, welcome 🙂

Glad the party went well, and I noticed a few naps in there for you -self care thread maybe?- so well done you!

My mind is pretty much a blank on prev convo's except for "How are you today?" So I'll answer that one.

Today I am feeling pretty fantastic!

I had appt with Dr yesterday, my iron is low, so got a supplement and have been making dietary changes already so leaning into that, with pleasure. Spent this morning, after putting in another job application, doing yoga and walking the dog. My body is thanking me, tho methinks it will take a while to repair damage. I just feel so stiff!

I read about your own body alignment changes, for want of the proper description....

A couple of years ago I had to recognise the damage poor posture and fallen arches was doing, (it had started to affect my hips) so I changed to wearing ONLY supportive shoes/sandals/joggers and spent some time retraining my body. Its hard work hey! I still need to be conscious of it, am sure I have let it lapse again, tho the shoes help.

Working barefoot on the beach becomes an excercise in mindfulness!

Anyway, today I recognised how slack I've been about looking after my body. I rarely ever spend time stretching and yoga-ing anymore, and my body is suffering becos of it!

I also found a pair of socks once, which act like supportive shoes for when you're at home. I didn't get them, but man, they were awesome! Athletes Foot had them. Hmm. Might have to look for them again.

Everything else is chuffing along in my life. Having the focus of looking for work is helping my discipline. So many courses I want to do to!

Cheers,

J*