new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Sorry you're still feeling rubbish from the surgery, and feeling down as well. Remember that physical pain and also lack of sleep (which I suspect you may have periods of with pain and how busy you are) make us much more emotionally vulnerable than we might normally be. Please give yourself some patience and kindness to allow for this, you aren't up to strain you might normally cope with.

Okay, I'm glad you have that clear communication with Alexa. I do understand that you might feel hypocritical to tell her to just get out of that relationship when it took you so long to do so, yourself. We all learn our lessons in our own time, no matter the wisdom we hear from others. Just try and step back, remind her you're not necessarily the best person to discuss it with, when what she is relating of events triggers you.

Shep sounds vile, I'm not surprised you can't stand him. I smirked just a bit at your idea of a joke to play on him.

I'm glad the celebratory dinner went well. Food sounds yum.

Re being proud of yourself - maybe step outside yourself for that. If you've done something you'd tell your kids or a friend you were proud of them for, you get to give yourself a pat on the back.

Your comment re depressive mood disorder rings true. Obviously I can only give you my experience, not a diagnosis. I have had long periods of deep depression, as you know. But then there are the periods of coming up from that. It doesn't come good in a linear fashion. When you've been low for a long time, what others might think of as an ordinary okay day is such a miraculously different experience from the depression that your emotions really hang onto it - you can feel euphoric just from some little thing going right. Problem with that is the depression isn't gone. A little disappointment or unfortunate event can send you crashing back down again. Coming out of a bad patch is like being on a see-saw dipping you back and forth between heaven and hell. In some ways it sucks more than just being depressed - at least then you know what to expect!

I'm sorry your partner has been insensitive. I'm not excusing it, but I think just talking on the phone, not having visual cues as well, can reduce a person's sensitivity to others. Added to this, it sounds like you desperately need time to yourself, so you want better quality from the time you get with him, especially while you are feeling like you are. Take a week off phone calls, give yourself the attention you need.

Blue.

[ecomama]

J* thankyou for your post. Yes you do get it.

The thing is that when I'm in person with BF, I couldn't ask for a more attentive partner. He treats me like a Princess, spoils me too much in fact & I tell him that lol. But he says he loves me & wants to cram all the spoiling in whilst we're together. Plus he says I need to get used to it lol.

BF is a BORN Romantic to the core.
HE LOVES romance! I think that's why I was so shocked he forgot MY Valentine's Day & it's horrible I'm saying this bec it's a DIFFERENT Day to his!

When we're apart, it feels like "nothing" now.
It's my memories & imagination that keeps all the feelings going. Plus my deep care for him ofcourse.

He bends over backwards trying to let me know HOW to contact him on his trips... like "please still call even though I might be driving thru a blizzard" (like today).

He's so committed. It's very stable in that way.

I'd go to visit him in a heartbeat.
If there was ever a chance to live with him for even a month or slightly more (I can't imagine that with the kids ages atm), then I would. Later on.

I don't see myself ever living there full time. Not with my children all here.

Anyway, things feel a bit more "cleansed" after our talks.
I know there's MORE to talk about but not till Sunday!
My gardener's coming Sat & yep, HE takes priority!

I guess that's where I am atm.
Thinking about the "tightrope" of how to walk thru this time giving myself some BALANCE.
It's been more like "drop everything, BFs calling".

I love him but I don't want to live like this anymore. Like I said, I can see my whole life passing & not actually achieving the things I want to achieve or even NEED to achieve.

I want to have the freedom of my time back again.
I need to be a "bit" selfish here!

I'm an adventurer at heart. My kids at home are not quite, not now. Now they're "home home HOME bodies". It's their responses to the traumas & concern something will happen to me.

Maybe I can DECIDE something I WOULD LIKE to do on the weekend.
Then do it & just text a tiny bit or talk for 10 mins lol.
That's happening this Sat (with my gardener) & BF keeps bringing it up like it's a loss situation!

Sighhh.
Maybe everyone will get used to me living my life more, if I "come back" at a certain pre-determined time.
It's like I'VE recovered alot from the traumas, yet everyone around me is still traumatised from it all FOR me.
They're afraid for my life still.

That's the bottom line, they're afraid & I'm not.

EMxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, thankyou for your post. Yes you get it too.

My physical health has improved. The unexpected intervention surgery was unexpected! LOL!

I showed my Chiro my specialist's report on the surgery and he said "That's GREAT!" omg. I was still sore in my tummy last night. His adjustments had to be adjusted but he got the results he wanted to get.
He's an incredible healer.

Also I've had some "spiritual" stuff done too.
Plus taking homeopathics last night.

So I feel much improved.

Yes I get what you're saying about depression.
I described it to my C as going UP a series of steps.
Some have a plateau on them.
I can rest there and think "Yeah I'm doing okay". Look at the scenery from that viewpoint lol!
Begin to REALLY and actually ENJOY life etc.

Then beside the steps is a long long slippery slide.
A jolt, most esp with my personal relationships, and I'm bumped onto the slide and go down fast.. until I realise.

Then I can get off. Step back onto the steps with all the things I KNOW help me; aha GOOD sleep lol, lots of healthy food, GRATITUDE, self-care. Time in my garden lol.

Bump the unhealthy thoughts OUT bec they don't help a dot.

Then even if things stay rocky in these relationships, I'm okay.

I looked up aqua aerobics classes!
I FINALLY thought of an activity I could do that wouldn't be hard and add pressure to my feet and ankles atm.
My fave pool only does them during the day during the week. Yah.
My not so fave pool at all, DOES have them twice a week at night time.
We have to book in online and pay online half a day before. COMMITMENT lol.

I've decided to do that in 2 weeks. I've missed this week's classes. Got my Podiatrist tomoz arv and need to do that!
Next week is Yvette's 2 birthday parties - YAY!
I'm gonna be WAY too busy having FUN! lol.

It's busy with work too - so much going on there. Things keep changing even every 30 mins!
Hard to keep up but hey, whatevs lol.

Uncle came today and cut himself out of our house bec he didn't know how to unlock my security door!! omg Blue.
He replaced the lock and it's SO hard to use now.
There's a huge rectangular hole in my wall now but whatevs too.

Gosh I'm tired. I really need some GOOD sleep tonight.

Yeah Shep is awful.
Glad Alexa is holding her boundaries up so much more easily now.
Shep is REALLY green eyed over her having her new car (LOL!).
Well watch this girl rise now!
She starts her Honours in a week or so.
So glad she's letting the "Settlement" go.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

you sound like you got some time to settle. And another phone call helped. I’m so glad

Its awful when we start to feel things spiralling. Our memories of past situations prepare us for disaster, just in case. Lol. Not sure we can ever prepare for disaster! And yet we try. Human response.
some assessment is always helpful tho and it sounds like you’re doing that.
something you said reminded me of Covey. It’s amongst the ‘drop everything bf is calling’ and musing on what the kids want atm vs what you want.
I think, as a mum, I get so used to being there for others that I can even forget appts I have scheduled in for myself, if someone , like H this morning, suggests we do something. It’s what I did with my sis too, when I dropped my ‘important but not urgent’ plans to deal with her crisis moments.
so I guess coming back to you, your values, goals and unique mission, can only help.

I keep on reflecting now, when I take time for this slow growing work of re- centring myself, that I am doing important work. It’s not urgent, it doesn’t demand my attention like chores, or H, but it’s crucial if I’m going to step off the mouse wheel.

enjoy your gardening time! BF will learn to accept it. You don’t need to ask for permission when it’s in line with YOUR priorities.

Big love,

J*

ps I’m just getting to habit 3, and trying to figure out how to put my life into a planner. Should be amusing! But useful I’m sure.
:)

[ecomama]

Lol Habit 3, I had to look it up again. Put First Things First.
Have you read the entire chapter yet?

I know what you mean, but I haven't done that for a very long time. Usually I only have one appt for myself per week, this week was two. I make the appts at a time when IF the kids are working & need a lift, then it's way before that time or on the way home after dropping them off.

Do you know what I do when I get a call from the "adult" kids when I'm on my way to an appt?
I let it go to voicemail lol.
I do this with BF too.

Someone else's "urgent" is not always urgent for me.

I plan to the nth degree. I organise to the nth degree also. There's seldom a time when it's a split decision to even go grocery shopping! It's scheduled!
The kids know this & we have systems we all follow. I praise them for "working together like a well oiled machine" & we can ALL tell the difference when we all work together, so that's positive reinforcement, so they keep doing it.

This way my "free time" IS actually my free time.

I think you'll love Habit 3. Ppl wonder how I achieve so much, it's probably all within Habit 3 (& having a flight path! LOL!).

Re: BF, I wasn't spiralling. I was just sad. He was beautiful in his responses. Probably perfectly so this time. Disappointment is bound to happen in relationships. We're both disappointed we're not together already.

I needed this to get to "what I want from my life right now".
It's more time OFF the phone to get what I need & want to get done, DONE.

I don't ask his permission. I tell him. He's a pretty scheduled guy too, so we usually know 7 days in advance what time of the day each of us is available to talk. The time difference is one thing. Then when he flies to other time zones for work, he calculates that 7 lets me know.

The realisation of this "time" being an interminable amount of time apart, due to Covid, is the hardest. We're good when we KNOW when we're seeing each other again.

Now there's NO idea when. Not at all. Nor where etc etc. Nor HOW eg I may have to self-quarantine in the U.S. so he would want to take leave for that. Then I probably WILL have to hotel quarantine here on my return for 2 weeks, so my leave needs to cover that too. I get stacks more leave than him. He gets 3 weeks / year.
That's as far as we can "plan".

Alexa wants to be here while I'm gone. The pity is that the kids wanted to come & with all this, they can't - too much time away.

Onwards and UPwards!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Of course I get it.

I'm glad to hear your physical health is improving. Yes, I can imagine unexpected surgical intervention really threw you off, given how much you have on your plate and how thoroughly you organise things. Feeling revolting physically would really not help you get through anything you had planned, and might leave you feeling a bit out of control and vulnerable. Not unlike my shoulder has done for me. Glad also your chiro has been good help, and all the other stuff you're doing.

That's a decent analogy re depression. That slide is always there, and definitely personal stuff jolts me on there more often than not. Too much backlog in that area. Not far behind is work stuff. Ugh, it all sucks. But we continue on, one dogged step after another, and get back where we need to be each time. It takes guts and commitment.

Yes, being aware of what's happening is the most important part of getting off the slippery-dip. We do know what's good for us, what we need for ourselves to be okay. As you say, the good food, sleep, etc. I do think nature time is a huge one, I don't do so well without it, myself. The aqua aerobics sounds good for you, I'm glad you found some classes you can do (after all the fun things in the meantime!).

I hear you about being busy at work. They've introduced more things into the work day to make what was already more than enough work into even more. Ugh. Like with yours, there is a lot of stuff you can't predict, that will change with half an hour's notice. Personally I prefer to come in and know my day's workload from the outset.

Yeah, you mentioned your uncle's shenanigans with the door. I'd be really angry about that. Could he not have called and asked where the keys were if he couldn't see them?

Good sleep is so important, I do hope you got some, sounds like you really need it.

It's unfortunate Alexa has to have any form of contact with Shep to know if he is or isn't jealous of her new car. Nevertheless, as we have said so many times, the best revenge is living well. Let him think whatever, her life is her own and it's nothing to do with him.

Blue.

[ecomama]

EXACTLY Blue! (Hi to everyone!)

Alexa's life is her OWN business.
That's how she answers all his nosiest questions.
In one breath he tells her to "move on" (LOL!) She absolutely HAS.
In the next breath, questions her to the hilt.
She stops answering ANYTHING to do with her personal life.
Reverts to the LEGAL response about keeping communications to anything regarding the children.

Happy days! She's doing well.

Omg Blue, My new Podiatrist is a SAINT! She made the appt at her HOME after her normal work hours bec she said "She had a feeling I'd need alot of time with her". Yet I'd mentioned nothing via text, simply asked for an appt.
She has spot on instincts & SO MUCH knowledge!
The previous 2 Podiatrists had given me OPPOSITE advice... so following their advice my feet were getting worse, not better.
The pig headed last one, said I had to put up with pain in my feet now for the rest of my life... ah nup. Not having THAT.
I left him, found this one.

She simply said she had a very different approach to them lol. Nothing derogatory at all.
Just alot of adjustments & alot of advice.

Absolutely I agree with the thing called NDD - Nature Deficit Disorder 100%
I live IN the bush across the road, look at mountains & a billion trees, about 50 in MY garden lol! Plus the Bay. I NEED to garden whether at home, work or both.
It's my SOUL'S food.

For the sake of full transparency, I may have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle.

It'll be okay BUT mm?

My friend from Qld called tonight. (The one that proposed a few years ago). We talk about deep stuff. He knows about BF. BF knows about him. All honest there.

I needed to get off the phone quickly to leave, before I did, he repeated his request to come & stay. I've always said "Great!" then other stuff happens eg Covid was the last one.
Tonight I said "Sure that'd be nice".

But this call was different to the last few years... this one was CHOCK FULL of "I love yous" & I miss you & I really love you & I really love you and always have - THAT was a new one.

I say the "Love you" like I do here! As a parting thing.

We've known each other since we were little kids.
He's seen me in all ways bec our families went camping together etc.

He wants to go camping with me. Have me at the property he's buying to "go bush" in retirement. Plan the planting & the home etc.

I'd LOVE to go camping! But IDK bec of BF, esp bec of the added depth of stuff he's expressing.

It's not right but it's not wrong, IDK.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: what a day!

I can't count the left field things that happened today. It was HUGE.

But I'm alive lol. I averted a potentially major traffic accident without a scratch, miraculously.
The tow truck driver was really impressed with my driving skills! lol.
So was my mechanic who waited at his workshop late, for me and my car to arrive.

I pushed forward with my plans to meet Alexa & the kids to buy our driers lol, with 11 mins in the shop to buy them AND her other stuff. Needless to say this girl is one expert haggler lol.
We got $150 off driers combined, then $150 off her noise cancelling headphones.

Had Vietnamese food together for dinner.
Had an AWESOME talk about "stuff" including a new band she found & an amazing guy who shows "breath work" in healing ways. Hmm.

On the way home, I decided to visit my friend who has cancer, who's also going through major grief. We went shopping for hours to find her fave lollies LOL! We laughed so much.

Then had the necessary D & Ms over her stuff.

I had a really good reflection on my Qld friend today.
I told BF in a nutshell what happened, I'll tell him more on Sunday.
He took it well.

The thing is, I don't want to ditch BF in the thoughts that someone else is "out there" for me.
It doesn't make sense to me & I simply don't care if there is or isn't.
I love BF and he loves me.
We have each other and don't want anyone else.

I strongly doubt ANY one else could tick as many boxes ever ever again.
It took a LONG darned time to meet him!
He's an exceptional man and irreplaceable to me.

So sure, I don't mind spending time with Qld friend. I'd do heaps of fun stuff with him as long as he understood certain boundaries and respected them.

I wouldn't want to "lead him on", but he's a rational 'ex Army' guy so he gets most stuff.
I feel ok talking to him very honestly and openly. As I do ALL my friends.
If it was to hurt him by spending time with him, then he needs to know that's never my intention.

I'd like him to teach me how to ride a motorbike, he has the patience of a Saint with me lol. And HEAPS of fun vehicles being a mechanic lol. I'd even like to go camping and sure I'd love to help him plan his Permaculture garden and passive solar off the grid home.

Anyway I'm off to bed for my gardener comes tomorrow, yay!

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi,

Em, so many plans, and near misses- are you ok???? and wonderful connections and...your life is so full!

TBH I am feeling quite empty, and it's getting hard for me to spend time here on the forums, even tho I value the connections so much.

Habit #3- yes I've finished the chapter. I like the prioritising bit, but the scheduling bit is too hard right now. The skill tho I probs need to practice for work time and making sure our own 'machine'here continues going. Hard to explain but H's work is a bit strange to plan around, and tends to change a lot, as to when and where.

Em, I say go for it, with your qld friend. As in, if he complies with all boundaries and insofar as you're comfortable and it's all open and honest and all that. You said you wanted to stop feeling like your life was on hold....I'm excited for you!

Have fun, lovely, and I hope that the health stuff continues to fall into place.

You go girl! You've got an awesome, fantastic life to live!

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

What's going down for you atm?
It's not nice to have that empty feeling, please tell us what's going on.

I really hope you know how much I and I'm sure ALL OF US value you and your input here.
You're very precious. Please remember that.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling.

My gardener couldn't come today - rained off. Awful. (We got heaps of prep done for Yvette's Birthday Party next weekend tho!)

Worse is that I called BF a day ahead.
Our talk was going nicely then omg what another left filed bunch of crap it became.

I'm more disappointed than last week now. The ONE thing I was proud of him for, absolutely back peddled and came crashing down.
He got angry.

Like why do so many men get ANGRY as a response to us saying we feel hurt by something?

I might Google that!!

Maybe he's feeling threatened by Qlder??? ... today BF said "(Qlder) is a very good looking guy" hmmm. It would have been STUPID of me to disagree bec Qlder IS A STUNNING looking man, an OBVIOUSLY good looking man. I said "Yep he's a stunner" because he is.

Anyway I am SO SICK of some of the things BF says to me when he's angry.
I am SO patient with him.

So I sent him a bunch of texts to wake up to and maybe (yeah right) may be he might just actually WAKE UP to himself!

I used to ask Qlder about things that puzzled me about men. He was always lovely and answered as best he could.
I can't let Qlder think there are ANY cracks in this relationship for him to exploit!
I literally have no men to ASK now.

Qlder started sending memes like "Be with a man who wrecks your lipstick not your mascara"... sadly I guess that's true.

If I WORE mascara it would've been wrecked today.

But I feel better now we're off the phone, like I'm released or something, IDK.

I know I love BF but I'm really sick of things happening like this.
Really "over it".

I can't keep doing / allowing things that make me so darned miserable.

When he told me he loved me at the end of the call, I said "ok".
So he repeated it.
I just can't say that when he's been so left field nasty. And I don't deserve it.
I just said "good night" and hung up.

Better than him hanging up on me.
I swear if he does that again, I won't call him.

Yvette's Birthday this week and I DO NOT want to be miserable.

Love EM