my son

[grieving_mum]

my son Dan died on the 21st August 2016 it was suicide he was 21 and I am numb. He was my youngest child and my baby. I am taking a time out to gather my thoughts and regroup. I have 3 three other adult children and I know they need me but my life is at an impasse. What do i do next? where do I go from here?

[Zeal]

Hi grieving Mum,

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your son, Dan. I truly hope that you and your three adult children can support each other through this really difficult time. It's been less than two weeks since Dan's death, so you are still in the early stages of grief. You are right to take time out - this is essential for you to grieve at your own pace and not be overwhelmed.

I highly recommend seeing a counsellor or psychologist. Your local doctor (GP) can help with a referral to a suitable qualified person.

I really hope you can seek some emotional support. In the meantime, if you need to talk to someone friendly and helpful, you can call beyond blue's 24/7 helpline on 1300 22 4636 and/or visit http://griefline.org.au/

Best wishes,

SM

[white knight]

Hi grieving mum, welcome

So glad you posted here.

My brother and uncle departed my life in the same way. I've toyed with thoughts for 37 years now as to how I could have stopped my brother doing that. So, if you are feeling this, sadly its part of the process. Best not to torment yourself too much.

However, there are some practical ways to allow your sorrow to at least ease just a little. You'll find your own way that makes you comfortable. For me its writing mainly poetry.

A few words allows release. In a place only you and Dan are...alone with him around you.

Hi my youngest, I'm feeling numb

Hug me tight, your grieving mum

Show your face one more time

That cheeky smile that's half of mine

Then rest away no more pain

Until we can hug and hug again....

,.....I wrote that for you just now. The power of the written word helps you vent. Keep a folder of your writing...visit it when you feel like it.

Cradle your cherished memories. Time helps.

Love and care

Tony WK

[grieving_mum]

your poem was beautiful! thank you

[white knight]

Just checking up on you Grieving mum.

R U OK?

[grieving_mum]

It has been 8 months and I still miss my son. There is not a day that goes by without thinking of him! 2 out of my 3 children are not coping well and my husband and I are living apart, although we see each other every weekend. Each of us are fighting to return to some sort of normalcy and we each have good and bad days. I cannot live in the house where my son died hence the separation from my husband, I am living in our holiday house ( lucky to have that option ) 2 hours away from family. I try to visit as often as I can and they too come to me. Some days I feel peaceful and others not so! I feel that I am in limbo I guess just treading water. We as a family have coped with a lot of firsts, his birthday, other birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Mothers day but the one we dread the most is 21st August and as it draws closer I am filled with trepidation and concern for my family. I guess as a family we will cross that bridge and get safely to the other side! how sad life can be.

[white knight]

Hi GM, glad to see you return.

Firstly I'd like to talk about special dates. I have a different view on those. Every year on 28th April my sister has a bad day being the anniversary of our brothers dead. Yes, suicide also. But for me the day passes like a normal day, why?

Dates are man made. It is simply where earth was in a similar position each year. I prefer to think of my bro when he crosses my mind, whenever that is. But I respect how you all go through this.

I'm concerned that it appears you have difficulty with the family home. Sometimes in certain circumstances we have to make big decisions. Can you sell up and make a new start?

Google Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Have you found a way to celebrate his life? A local country family has a scolarship for one lucky student. In 2007 my daughter won it. Those funds $2000 went towards her uni costs. I wrote to that family to thank them, this young lady was 17yo and had that year nursed me when I was ill. She even nurtured me during a psychotic episode. She is now a teacher.

What about you? Do you have hobbies, sports, friends you can meet with? Any interests? Diet, exercise? Goals? Sometimes we have to force ourselves towards normality rather than wait till it comes to us.

Your other children? How are they coping? Having a sibling leave me under a similar situation all sorts of things have passed my mind in the last 38 years since he left us. Do I have the same tendency? (I do), does my sister have the same tendancy? (Yes she does). So we've had to deal with that and it revealed we both have a number of mental illnesses likely what our brother had that the family never knew of. So, I'm suggesting you channel as much of that energy in that huge heart of yours towards your other children. You likely are doing that but its worth you revisiting those thoughts.

How's hubby coping? Can he open up? Do you support each other?

Are you busy?. An idle mind creates sad thoughts.

Dont answer if you dont want to.

Kind thoughts to a proud mum

Tony WK

[MarkJT]

grieving mum, first off, I am very sorry to read about what happened to Dan. I cannot imagine what it is like for you to lose a son.

Losing someone very close to you is extremely difficult and no amount of time will ever make you feel 100% comfortable with it.

Even though it has been eight months since Dan left you, this is still really early in the grieving process so I want you to be kind to yourself and not try and force the feeling of getting on with life.

It is natural to feel numb, you have lost a large piece of your life and it is natural to be thinking of him every day, again you are very early in grieving. I still think of the person i lost almost every day and it is 35+ years ago. The difference now is that I can think of her and smile. Think of the good times and remember her as who she was and always will be. She is ageless in my mind. To me this is what happens at the tail end of the grieving process, you learn to live with it without it making you to upset.

I think you are doing a tremendous job all things considered and keep taking time out if you feel you need to. There is nothing wrong with that and I think that it is the right and proper thing to do.

What is really important is your self care. Your energy levels are going to need to be up as the amount of mental energy you are exerting is huge. Try and make sure that your diet is as good as can be, try to stay away from alcohol and get some exercise in. Really important and Zeal's point about seeing the GP is brilliant. They are there to help you through life in many different areas, this being one of them.

Anniversary's and dates of importance are always very very difficult, no doubt about it. Make sure that you are surrounded by people who you can lean on. Good to be with the family but also consider having some friends over that know what happened for no other reason but just to support you and your family.

Keep posting in here - we are all here for you and to help you out where we can.

Keep staying strong, you are so massively strong and never tell yourself anything different.

Mark.

[grieving_mum]

Hi

Thanks for your words! Firstly dates are not man made but mother made, my son came into this world through me on the 18th November 1994 I had another son! On the 21st August 2016 my son died and I lost him and I treasure the years he was with me! I don't mean to be awful in fact it is the opposite. Life is not about earth and earthly dates it is about the heart! it is about the centre of our being.The time might roll around each year as earthly dates but the heart does not know earthly things it weeps or finds joy, mine still weeps, In answer to other questions, my husband is not in a good place and I think might never fully recover I try so hard for all of my family! Mothers can be ferocious like that! I am seeing a doctor and am on antidepressants, This is a good thing, all the months that I have spent rewinding time have stopped and I am calmer, I question whether this is a good thing though because I feel that the medication has dulled my senses and that the grieving process is being delayed. As to the house, my eldest son is moving in with his beautiful partner and I love the idea, I did not want to sell the house to a stranger, My son Jon and his beautiful partner Cassie will start a family and have many happy memories just like the ones before Dan's death. That home is the place Dan grew up in and died in and I am happy it is staying in the family! Jon and Cas will once more make it a happy house! I am on my own with my grief, it is so exhausting but I am drugged, so life goes on and I focus on my family! that is my life!

[grieving_mum]

Thank you Mark,

I have been seeing a doctor, not sure I need to but my family says yes. I guess if Dan would have listened to family he too might still be here! I do think of the good times but my heart aches. My husband does not like photos of Dan so I hide them and when he has gone I put them everywhere! I talk to him often telling him how much I miss him, his voice, his laugh, his smell and his touch, my biggest fear is that I will forget these things and I don't want to!