I'm new here, and I'm not sure where the start, so I guess I will just write what comes to mind, unfiltered.
More than 10 years ago I was raped, by a friend I knew and trusted. I reported the incident to police, however, no charges were ever made, I attended counseling early on, but I know now that I was not willing or ready to work through what I had experienced. My partner at the time was sympathetic, but not supportive and my coping mechanism was to bottle things up and ignore feelings. In the years following my rape, I experienced many symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I made life decisions perhaps in response to these symptoms, and it feels like the trauma completely tipped my life off balance.
Fast forward ten years, the sympathetic partner I had when the rape occurred is still in my life, we were married, had two children and separated in less than amicable circumstances at the beginning of this year. I have since met a new partner, and things with him have been amazing. However, when I entered into a new sexual relationship it seems the trauma resurfaced. I began having terrible nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety attacks and a general feeling of unrest. I sought counseling and was open and honest with my new partner about my past. He has been supportive and asks what he can do to make things better. As the relationship becomes more serious, and the feelings become stronger I have so much fear. I am still having nightmares on a very consistent basis and the last two nights, the person depicted in the nightmare hurting me is my new partner.
I feel as if I am constantly trying to make sense of what is going on in my brain and where these thoughts are originating, what are they revealing to me, or what am I feeling deep down. But it is a maddening loop. I am finding it very difficult to open up to this new partner and tell him what I am thinking, or what I need because I can't make sense of it myself. At the root, I feel it may be some very deep seeded trust issues.
I just wish someone could tell me what is going on in my mind, that I am not losing it, and how to make it better. I feel exhausted.
