Impossible to Forgive?

[DisplayName5742]

Hello fellow members,

Writing here today as I feel I'm unable to forgive what's been done to me in the past. This may get rambly, I apologize in advance.

Firstly, a little background. While growing up I was abused by both of my parents, mainly through verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. My siblings also began to exhibit the same behaviour, I was heading the same way, until I realised it wasn't normal. I'm sure I still exhibit some poor behaviours. About seven years ago I cut all contact with them. I now have no contact with any biological family members. My family on one parents side were cut out of my life when I was a child. The other side of the family was cut out of my life as a teen, after two deaths in that side of the family.

While it shocks some people when I tell them about it, I feel having no contact with my family is best for my mental health. As a side note, I don't feel trying to contact extended family is a good idea, as any correspondence will get back to my parents. After my parents separated, they went back to their siblings and parents, bridging that gap that was put in place. At that point I was already starting to cut out my parents, leading me to ignore their attempts to connect me with extended family.

After everything that's happened to me, I don't feel like I can forgive my immediate family for their actions. I can still clearly remember some of the things that were said to me, and how they treated me. For example, I was left alone in the house all day on my sixth birthday. I don't have any memories earlier than that point, which scares me. At around eight, I was told that I was viewed as the family slave. My mother even said "why else do you think we had you?" when I got upset about it. After that I was outright treated as the family slave, with my siblings hurling expletive's at me if I didn't do the dishes when they wanted me to.

There's a lot of other things that happened that I won't cover here, as it'll take me over the character limit for starters. Additionally, I wanted to provide some background to help give anyone reading this a better idea of my situation. I would feel more inclined to forgive them if they proved they'd changed, which hasn't happened.

People are frequently told to forgive others, but in this case I don't think I can do it. Am I trying to force this too early, or are there just some things can't can't be forgiven?

Thank you to anyone who read through this post.

Regards,
DisplayName5742

[jtjt_4862]

Hi DisplayName5742,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm very sorry to hear that you had such a rough child hood time. If you feel like chatting more, I'd be happy to listen more to your story.

On the topic of forgiveness. It is true that we should forgive others. But I'd like to add a bit more to that. Forgiving others doesn't necessarily mean you're giving them the excuse for treating you that way, but sometimes you forgive others for the sake of having peace in your heart. To forgive and forget so that you allow yourself to accept what has happened in the past, and free yourself from the anger and hatred that comes with the hurt that they've given you during your childhood. You don't necessarily have to say "I forgive you" to them, but just the thought of giving them forgiveness to attain peace within yourself, is all that matters. I hope that makes sense.

Whether you choose to reconnect with them is your choice, you're not obliged to reconnect with people who once mistreated you. Since you mentioned that it's best for your mental health to have no contact with them. Though I'm curious to know, why did you feel they have not changed?

Jt

[DisplayName5742]

Hello Jt,

Thank you for the response.

That does makes sense. "Forgiving others doesn't necessarily mean you're giving them the excuse for treating you that way," is something that has been preventing me from letting go. Reading what you said has helped me realise that it's about forgiving for my sake not theirs. I doubt I could ever walk up to them and say that I forgive them. They're the kind of people who don't believe they've ever done wrong.

An attempt to reconnect with my mother was made, however it didn't go anywhere after she showed she was still the same. This happened about a year after I originally cut her out. The last straw is when she tried to convince me I had a terminal illness, yet couldn't provide any details, even a name. She also attempted to convince me that my father had participated in another form of abuse. This lead me to get tested for STI's. After a couple trips to medical professionals it was concluded that I hadn't been abused in that manner.

I don't feel they've changed based on their actions and how they speak to others, along with their actions when I did try to reconnect. They've found out who I know in the community and will talk to them about me. One example is a business owner, my mother booked an appointment through her and spent the entire time rambling about me. Saying things like "I know I messed up," and "can you talk to her for me?" The business owner then contacted me and spent days trying to get me to contact my mother, quoting some of the things that had been said. That was the only time my mother had an appointment with this business owner. The business owner and myself don't talk a lot these days. The business owner thinks I'm being unreasonable to this day.

My father was more direct. I ran into him in public by accident, and was talking to me for a while. The entire time I felt I was in my childhood home again. He also called my then partners house a few times, trying to speak to me. Even trying to bribe me onto the phone with lines like "I have a $100 gift card I want to give to her" which I would get if I spoke to him.

Thank you again for the response and taking the time to read my post.

Regards,
DisplayName5742

[quirkywords]

Displayname

i am so sorry for what you had to endure.

I agree with Jt that forgiveness is not about excusing the behaviour but really making you feel better.
I think as you have explained how your parents have not changed but you have made another life. I know a friend who broke contact with her parents and she said it made her happy. Even when her dad was sick she did nit see him. It was her decision and she knew it was best for her.
Take care

[topsy_]

Hi Displayname5742

I too am/have been in your situation. And I agree that forgiveness is about achieving peace for yourself. I found I first had to grieve for the kind of parents that I would love to have had.

Then I came to the stage of forgiveness. That was still incredibly hard to do. In the end I symbolically held my parents in my hands, raised them heavenwards & gave that job to God because I just didn’t know how to do it.

I am not all that spiritual/religious but it worked. That’s when I discovered the peace that comes from forgiveness. And we deserve that peace. I don’t know about you but I earned that reward after living through an horrific childhood.

Like your friend, I didn’t see my father before he died. I won’t be seeing my mother either.

I hope my story helps a little. I’ll be thinking of you, T.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Displayname5742, topsy_, quirkywords,

DisplayName, thank you for your response. I'm sorry to hear about what had happened... The other form of abuse... that must've been quite a shock to you. I'm really glad that it wasn't true at all.

I'm very grateful for quirkywords and topsy_ to be sharing their stories as well. We have control over how we want to lead a happy and healthy life for ourselves. There may be times where we doubt our decisions over someone else's influence (for example, the business owner who thinks you're unreasonable), but I believe you'll be able to make the right choice for yourself on what makes you happy.

Take care of yourself, and show some forgiveness to attain peace and tranquillity for yourself. I'll be rooting for you, and always here to chat and listen to you too.

Jt

[Summer Rose]

Hi Displayname5742

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was to forgive a man who wasn’t asking for my forgiveness and would never even know I’d forgiven him. A drunk driver who left me with horrific injuries to die in my burning car.

I forgave him because I had to—for me. The weight of my anger, disappointment, resentment and at times hatred was crushing. I had to forgive and let it go in order to heal and move on with my life.

It was a very hard and confusing road to travel.

Your situation is much more complicated. The very people who should have loved, nurtured and protected you have hurt and betrayed you in a most heinous way. I am so very sorry for your pain and trauma. I applaud you for considering forgiveness.

I’d like to recommend a book to you, Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love by Stephanie Dowrick. It could be really useful to you as you work through your thinking.

Kind thoughts to you

[DisplayName5742]

Hello quirkywords, topsy, Jt, Summer Rose,

Thank you all for your responses.

Similar to your friend, quirkywords, I don't think I'll even go to see them if they're terminally ill. Hopefully I'm not in either of their wills, don't want a thing from them. I'm content building my own life.

Thank you for sharing topsy, it has helped. It's sad that there's been so many people in a similar situation, and that many more people will be put in a similar situation. I live in hope that domestic violence will become a thing of the past.

Yes, it was a shock, Jt. After talking on here I feel like I'll be able to forgive one day. The day I posted this I was fighting myself, which resulted in more anger than I should've been carrying. I feel much better now. Thank you.

I'm sorry you went through that, Summer. So glad you're still here with us. Forgiving him wouldn't have been an easy task at all, congratulations on doing so. The strange thing is, I only started considering forgiveness after seeing my mother in public, I was pretty quick to leave the building. Full on 180 and practically ran out. It got me thinking, I didn't like the feeling that engulfs me when seeing her and wanted to make it stop. Thank you for the book recommendation, I'll give it a look.

Thank you very much for the advice everyone. I don't know when I'll be able to forgive them, but I'm now more comfortable with the idea of doing so.

Regards,
DisplayName5742

[quirkywords]

Display name

Thanks for your detailed feedback. I think forcing yourself to forgive will not feel right. If you don’t want and yo make yourself forgive you may resent others and be angry with yourself.

It sounds as if it is too recent and maybe forgiving now would help you find the peace.

Thanks again for sharing with honesty.

[Abbat]

Confront, discuss problem, try to solve it. Either way to forgive is peace of mind and ability to move on with life, love, happiness and good heart.