I’m a 27-Year-Old Kid

[kiwiboy0897]

Hi,

I still feel like I’m 6, 12, 17 years old. It’s like I’m stuck at those ages at certain times in certain days because I didn’t get to live those days like I wanted to when I had them.

Even now, I find myself repeating the same behaviours to have the same routine every night, like I would’ve had when I could in my teen years. It’s like I lost the time, lost who I am and lost my ability to move forward… Just stuck.

I have a career now. I’m educated on a tertiary level. I’ve achieved ‘success’ in many avenues. But on nights like this, I go back to being that 6 year old kid… And nights like this is every night.

I’m afraid I’ll never be able to move on. I’m still fighting, and won’t give up fighting, but the child within me refuses to grow up. He refuses to forgive the time that escaped him.

Thank you for reading. I needed somewhere to get this off my chest, knowing some eyes world read it.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

I can relate to you. At 17yo I joined the Airforce but emotionally I was say 12yo. At 25yo I was emotionally say 18yo. Eventually at 50yo I believe I caught up and was a 50yo man. I'm now 68. All those years under 50yo people would tell me to "grow up"! It was annoying but it was true, many things I did was a reflection of the things I wanted to do as a child like fly model airplanes, modify motor cars and muck around with mates.

Then one day an older guy asked me- why do you see yourself in a negative way when you want to do these activities? There are many men that fly model airplanes up till they are 80yo, many men that tinker with cars all their lives and men get together at mens sheds.... whats wrong with that?

I had to go away and think a lot about what he said. I came up with the notion/theory that as I got to say 18yo my parents had expected me to be an adult and their version of that was to NOT do hobbies but to marry, have kids, work hard and be responsible. Also as a child I didnt have the money to buy model airplanes or the radio unit that controls them so my first pay packet in the Airforce went on- a model airplane!!

But it begs the question- why are you feeling bad/guilty about thinking like a child that likes to feel like a child? What do you think is bad about that? I visited an interstate relative, she's 72yo and she collects dolls. She has a garage full of them and regularly goes out to them and changes their outfits. 

Do you also have times when you act your age? Like at tertiary school do you think you blend in with others in conversation? Or do they see you as a childish person? I'm very interested.

I hope this has helped. Feel free to answer.

TonyWK

[hello_mae]

Thank you for sharing this; halted neurodevelopment is such a common part of trauma. The child within you doesn't have to grow up, but dual awareness and reparenting might be something to try if you want. You are the adult he grew up to be, and who is here now to care for him.

It's important to accept and feel before moving on, and even then, moving on might not look like how you expect it to.