Feel like the universe is punishing me

[Maefire]

I need to be blunt - I genuinely feel like the universe is out to make my life as awful as possible. I have cptsd from 18 years of abuse from my family and at 19 I was abused by two both friends after finally escaping my family. This year I cut them all out but my family situation is worsening. What’s pushed me over the edge is my psychologist who has done nothing but minimize my trauma, try to make me reconnect with my abusers and has ruined me so much. I feel like a hollow of a person and I truly feel hopeless for the first time in years. Everytume I try to improve my life something happens and ruins it. Last year I had a wonderful therapist but because of the actions of my abuser I lost her. I’ve tried so hard in therapy to do all the homework but at this point I feel unfixable. I feel like my issues are too much and I can’t get the help I really need. If it wasn’t for my partner I’d literally be completely isolated in all this everyone else in my life blames me for my abusers actions and everyday I feel closer and closer to a nervous breakdown. My whole life I’ve had to restrain myself and hold myself together to function but I don’t want to anymore. I feel like if I had a full on breakdown and lost control of myself I could finally defend myself from abuse and would finally be seen as actually needing help. I want to go on a rampage and destroy things because having a complete and visible meltdown feels like the only way for people to care about me. Therapy has become a major trigger for my ptsd it makes me sick and tbh the reason I didn’t drop my therapist earlier was because I’ve Been using it as a method of emotional s*lf h*rm. the things my therapist says are so eerily close to my abusers that I think I subconciously felt i can’t escape it so I kept going to therapy. My boyfriend has been helping me so much but I feel so guilty like I can’t complain about therapy when I willing kept going back. I just feel like my trauma can never be fixed and I’ll never get the help I so desperately need I want to give up on trying to get better I want to scream at the people who have done this to me I hate it I hate everything so much how does the universe expect me to cope??? It feels unfair

[Doolhof]

Hi Maefire,

It certainly does sound like you are at the point where you don't know how to cope any longer.

Have you been to your Dr to discuss this openly with them?

Have you expressed you are close to breaking point?

Can you ask to be admitted to hospital or a place of care for a few days so people are there to look after you?

Can you express you are concerned for your safety and well-being?

Would you consider changing therapists?

It may help you to write down in a journal all that is troubling you and keep writing till there is nothing left to write, then write down 3 things you are thankful for.

Can you find healthy ways to release some of your anger and tension? Go for a run, rip up paper, jump up and down until you are exhausted, draw how you are feeling or find other ways to cope.

This may sound almost impossible for you to consider right now, but hopefully in time you will be able to find a way to let go of what happened. To find a way to forgive or release the hold this abuse has on you.

It does not mean you will ever forget, or that what happened doesn't matter, it just means you are able to find some sense of peace in your heart and slowly you will be able to move on and reconnect with your sense of self worth.

I've not walked in your shoes. I don't know what you are going through. I am just offering some humble ideas of things you may be able to consider.

Kind regards from Dools