Self-punishment

[Wally87]

Hi,

I have had PTSD for 6 years after having a car accident where I’m deemed at fault. This accident resulted in the death of my mother. Since then I’ve been on a roller coaster. Over the years, I have engaged in many forms of self-punishment from not eating to over exercising, even being diagnosed with a binge eating disorder. I see my psychologist every few weeks but I can’t seem to change my self belief that deserve this punishment and unhappiness.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for on here but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[blondguy]

Hello Wally87...Welcome to the forums unfortunately under such tragic circumstances..

My sincere condolences for the loss of your mother....that would have been horrible for you. I cant even imagine what it has been like for you since the accident.

You are very proactive by seeing your psychologist which takes strength to do in the first place

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post Wally87. There are many kind people that can be here for you.

I used to have acute anxiety followed by depression for 20+ years until I started increasing the frequency of my counseling which helped my mental health more than I knew was possible. Is it okay to ask roughly how often you have been seeing a counselor?

I cant really afford a psychologist anymore yet I still see my GP every weeks for a 'tune up'

Thankyou for being a part of the Beyond Blue forums Wally....You are always welcome to post if you choose to do so 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Wally87]

Hi,

Thank you for your reply. I have access to unlimited psychology as my accident is covered by the traffic accident commission, which I’m very grateful for. I have been seeing her since a few months after my accident (6 years ago). I use to see her every week for a few years, went on medication and I seemed to be traveling really well. I stopped regular appointments and would just do ‘check in’s’ every few months.

Last year I had a significant family event that was a huge trigger. Since then in back seeing her every 2-3 weeks but can contact her whenever. I’m not back on medication but am co templating asking whether it’s help pull be back out. The difference this time (which I suppose is progress) is that I’m now aware of how I’m punishing myself, I just can’t seem to stop it or change my mindset. At work I thrive and I’ve got very good self-management of my emotions so to most colleagues they have no idea how I feel inside. I just want to be able to live a life where I at least like myself. Self-hatred is very exhausting and affects my social life and confidence.

thanks

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Wally87,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here. I'm very sorry about what's brought you here and to hear about the death of your mother. It must be an awful combination to not only lose your mother but also to be deemed at fault for her death; I can totally see why you'd be punishing yourself for it.

At the same time though, punishing yourself serves no purpose. It doesn't change what's happened and it certainly doesn't make you more or less 'at fault'. If you were to suddenly be kind to yourself, you'd still be just as responsible - the only difference is the pain you feel you are so deserving of.

While there's no bringing your mother back, I wonder if it's okay to be curious about what she might say - and I hope that it's okay to ask this. In the big picture, is this how you want to move forwards? Does it make sense for you to continue acting this way? If she were here, what are the things she might say to you?

Self-hatred is exhausting I know. But I truly believe that the first step is thinking about if changing the way you feel is important to you (and why) as opposed to still having these same beliefs about yourself.

RT

[Wally87]

Hi,

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I have often had these thoughts and wish I could just change my mindset or perspective as it’s something I can easily do in my job. I suppose for me, I really struggle with sustaining and believing these thoughts.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Wally87,

That's no worries at all. I know you mentioned that you've been talking with a psychologist about it; can I ask what's been happening in those sessions? Is she helping to challenge some of those beliefs about yourself?

RT

[Wally87]

Hi,

my psychologist is very supportive and understanding but definitely challenges my beliefs. We talk through a lot of my feelings and rationale for those feelings. There has been times when I was managing fine and my while didn’t have good self belief, it didn’t seem to affect me. Lately I can’t see any positives in myself.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Wally87,

I'm really glad - I think good psychologists have to do a gentle mix of both.

I will say though that I think it's so difficult to try and change your mindset believing that you deserve (or don't deserve) to be punished when you can't find anything positive in yourself.

While reading your post I struggle to think of anyone who deserves to be punished in the way that you're doing so to yourself. While I don't know a lot about you, I can already see so much resilience in yourself in finding ways to cope and making sense of this kind of tragedy that you've been forced to go through. As well as all of that, you also have this insight into being aware of punishing yourself - which is not an easy thing to do.

RT

[Wally87]

Thank you for your kind words. As a result of my trauma I’ve studied a lot (I enjoy studying) about myself. I’ve completed nutrition courses and studied positive psychology to gain a better understanding into myself. Seeing my psychologist on a regular basis for basically 6 years has helped too. It’s lovely feedback to hear that others see the qualities and strengths in me so they must be there somewhere.

i do have a lot of insight into myself and that’s only come about over the past year. I use to think that not being aware of how I was punishing myself was worse than knowing however my psychologist pointed out that knowing is a step in the right direction. I’m now working on trying to intercept my thoughts to change them when a trigger occurs or when I can know I’m punishing myself. It’s not an easy task to do.

In my work and interests I love to help others so I’m wondering if there’s a way that I can share my story as a means of awareness about peoples private lives as I have good self-management of not showing what’s going on behind. With my positive psychology study along with my insight into myself I’d like to use it to help others, I wonder if in turn it will help me.

[CKS]

HI there Wally87

OH how you have suffered. But I bet you that your mother looks down on you with such pride! It sounds like you have come so very far since the accident. So whatever happens don't stop what you are doing! Yes all of our experiences can help others. I have written a book about my living with CPTSD and hope it touches (and helps to heal) the souls of those with CPTSD.

With love

CKS