Coercion, Abuse, and Feeling Alone in My Struggle

[Guest_10073]

I’ve been coerced into sex by someone who I thought was a mentor and a leader in human rights.I respected and admired him lots.He’s a researcher, a women’s rights defender, and runs a civil service organization. He approached me romantically and coerced me into sex, making me feel trapped and confused. We were in a relationship, but the whole time, I felt pressured and controlled.

The event happened before I came to Australia. I was staying in Thailand at the time because of the conflicts in my home country.

There were some times I was sick, intoxicated, or under his influence, and he used that to manipulate me. I initially resisted even his kiss,but it felt impossible to escape later days because of his repeated attempts and influences.

Looking back, I now realize that what he did was wrong, but at the time, I didn’t understand it fully.

What hurts the most is the disbelief and blame I’m facing from others, especially on social media. People don’t understand coercive control and rape, and it feels like no one believes me. He kept reaching out to me online, using me as a sex object, and I’m devastated by how he used me for his own purposes.

I feel worthless, like I’ve lost my dignity and self-worth. The trauma, nightmares, and pain are overwhelming. I’m seeing a therapist almost every day to try to make sense of it, but it’s hard to cope when society and the connections he has make me feel so alone. I feel like no one understands what I went through.

[Guest_10073]

I really didn’t understand coercive control before. I grew up in a place where only physical force rape was seen as rape, so I didn’t know that people could use their power or tricks, like romance or other means, to coerce someone. I was forced into sex by a human rights advocate/researcher while I was in Thailand, where I fled from my country. He approached me in a romantic way, and I liked him back. But from day one, he was pushing for sex. He kissed me, but I turned away and went to the bathroom to vomit. There were other times when I was sick or intoxicated, and he had sex with me. I felt trapped and under his influence because he was like a mentor to me for political things. My time with him felt like it was tied to sex, and he kept using me for that purpose online, even after we were apart, promising me a future together. He borrowed thousands of dollars from me and never paid me back. I didn’t realize he was using me through the whole thing, but by the time I figured it out, my life was almost ruined. Now, I’m not sure who I am anymore. I feel so sad and live with the trauma every day.

Gracie

19.12.2024

[ABC01]

Hello,

I am sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Just because someone has a great resume and people look up to them on paper, doesn't mean they are a good person in life and don't abuse their power. It sounds as if you were isolated in a place where you were alone.

I am glad that you have reached out for help and support and have found a therapist who understands you and your needs.

Please continue to take care of yourself.

ABC01

[Sophie_M]

Hello and welcome to the forums, 

Firstly, thank you for so openly and vulnerably sharing your experience with us. We can't imagine how confusing and painful this has all been for you. What you are going through sounds incredibly challenging, so we are really glad to see that the community are already supporting you. 

Secondly, we want you to know that everything you are feeling is undoubtedly valid. Someone you trusted and looked up to broke that bond, and it seems that those around you aren't able to see just how traumatising that can be. It sounds like this person holds a lot of power and status, and it wasn't right or fair of him to yield that power in the way he did - you didn't deserve this at all. 

We know how hard it can be to sit with all of the complex feelings that can come up from experiencing abuse, so we want you to know that no matter what you are feeling, you can call us or 1800 Respect at any time:
Home | 1800RESPECT Talk to a counsellor - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue

We understand it may take time for you to feel safe in your body right now, as well as safe with others, so please be gentle with yourself. For example, can you try to self-soothe with things like warm showers, your favourite music, some food, or a cozy blanket? 

Lastly, please know you are so worthy and you absolutely deserve to feel happy, safe, and supported. We will be here whenever you need us. 

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 

[Guest_10073]

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. My life is so terrible inc confound out he was sexully exploited and abused but refusing to admit that and making up different stories with his connections. I feel so powerless and alone.

[Guest_10073]

Right Sophie, he has lots of power and claiming to have he is living with social principles and values.His followers and coworkers are also only believe him as I am just normal girl.I feel so embarrassed and dirty.And feeling lost of my dignity as a woman.

[Guest_10073]

Thanks Sophie for your encouragement and the resources. It means a lot to me.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Guest_10073,

I am so sorry this happened to you. It would have been extremely disorienting when this was someone you should have been able to trust. There is something sometimes referred to as communal narcissism, where a person purports to be a decent person in the way they present to the world, often doing things like humanitarian or charity work. But it is very much a front while underneath they are manipulative and serving their own interests. It’s truly awful because you wanted to believe this was a good, decent person. Then when they cross a line unexpectedly it’s almost impossible to process what’s going on.

You are really brave to reach out here and I’m proud of you for doing so. It’s very important to keep seeking support, especially as you are not getting understanding from some people on social media who aren’t seeing the nature of this person.

When I was 21 I was sexually assaulted by a health care provider out of the blue, obviously the last thing I was expecting in a health care appointment. Prior to the assault he told me the room was sound proofed and my brain couldn’t compute why he was saying that. Afterwards I was in total shock and I later realised it was a threat to me that I couldn’t call for help. Looking back I felt I was targeted because I’m gentle and being a predator he worked that out. I’m imagining you are a gentle person and these awful people will target someone they think they can get away with abusing.

Even though it will take time you will be able to rebuild your sense of self, worth and dignity. You are an infinitely greater person than the one who has abused you. You have your integrity and courage. We can hear you and validate your experience. It’s good you have your therapist and it’s good to keep engaging with resources that support you and that can help counter the effect of the ways in which you haven’t been supported.

Please take care and know that you are not alone. I think Sophie’s ideas to find some ways to self-soothe can be a really good thing to do to help yourself know you are safe now and no longer in that situation. Keep orienting to the things and people who help you feel safe and supported.

Warm wishes,

Eagle Ray

[Guest_10073]

Hi Eagle Way,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through at 21. You’re absolutely right—abusers often look for people they can exploit and then get away with it.

My abuser refuses to admit his wrongdoing and minimizes the situation by claiming it was just a relationship breakup—a "normal" thing between a man and a woman: falling in love, having sex, and then parting ways. Now, others are even blaming me, saying I’m being overly dramatic. This hurts so much. My sexual boundaries were violated under his influence, and my consent was blurred during the events.

He continued grooming me until he no longer needed me, then abandoned me. I trusted him deeply, like a father or brother, and I believed in him in so many ways. When I finally realized it was all deception and violation, I was devastated. Emotionally, it feels like I was part of a cult.

If anyone has similar stories, I would really appreciate them sharing with me—it would help me cope. I feel so lost and overwhelmed. Society and his so-called connections blame me instead of seeing the abuse. They dismiss coercion, sexual exploitation, and coerced rape. It’s terrifying to live in a world where this is the reaction.

Thank you for listening, and I hope we can all find strength together.

Warm regards,

GA

[Guest_10073]

Hi Eagle Way,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through at 21. You’re absolutely right—abusers often look for people they can exploit and then get away with it.

My abuser refuses to admit his wrongdoing and minimizes the situation by claiming it was just a relationship breakup—a "normal" thing between a man and a woman: falling in love, having sex, and then parting ways. Now, others are even blaming me, saying I’m being overly dramatic. This hurts so much. My sexual boundaries were violated under his influence, and my consent was blurred during the events.

He continued grooming me until he no longer needed me, then abandoned me. I trusted him deeply, like a father or brother, and I believed in him in so many ways. When I finally realized it was all deception and violation, I was devastated. Emotionally, it feels like I was part of a cult.

If anyone has similar stories, I would really appreciate them sharing with me—it would help me cope. I feel so lost and overwhelmed. Society and his so-called connections blame me instead of seeing the abuse. They dismiss coercion, sexual exploitation, and coerced rape. It’s terrifying to live in a world where this is the reaction.

Thank you for listening, and I hope we can all find strength together.

Warm regards,

GA