Broken and tired

[falldown7timesstandup8]

Hello

I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and BPD, stemming from childhood abuse and neglect as well as being sexually assaulted twice by a "friend" as a young teen. I have a serious problem with coming back to reality when i get in, what i like to call fight or flight. I generally end up having a massive anxiety attack or sometimes, if I cant get control of that. Ill harm myself. Throughout my early 20's, at night clubs particularly, if a random guy would even just stare at me too long, I would without fail, become aggressive. I would instantly become fearful and thats when the fight or flight would come in, how ever, when it comes to men, its generally fight. The most frustrating part about all of this is i KNOW and can FEEL an episode arising and I KNOW that kind of behaviour is completely wrong, but back then, I couldnt control myself. I wanted these men to stop and leave me alone and just lacked the patience completely if they didnt listen straight away. I would just lose it, a handful of times I have turned around and used violence towards a guy for being grabby toward me, or if a guy sat down next to me i asked him to please move away, if he didnt listen that instant, the anger would just completely take over me. I did this for years. even today, i find myself grasping some what of control as I am a mum now of a three year old and i dont want to be this angry person anymore, But unfortunately recently and over the past few years I have been hurting myself through self harm, binge eating, bulemia, over exercising. I dont have parents.. sorry.. I do have parents but I havent spoken to neither of them since i was 33 weeks pregnant, because that was the day my mother assaulted me at my baby shower. She also assaulted my friends and other family members who were trying to protect my unborn child. My relationship with my parents was broken from a young age, but was destroyed when I asked for their support when I'd been raped. According to them I was a slut and probably drank too much.. I was 16 years old. I carry a lot of anger and resentment and even writing this has made me so angry. I am still on the waiting list to see a therapist but I just thought id try here.. maybe itll help. thank you so much for reading.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome falldown7timesstandup8,

We're so glad you decided to reach out - we understand that this isn't always easy, and that writing about these painful experiences can be an emotional experience and stir up anger. We think you are so strong - it sounds like you have been through a lot and we are so sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult journey.

It's great to hear that you've sought the help of a therapist. It's too bad that you're having to wait to see them. If you find yourself having to wait too long and you need more immediate support, please feel free to get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service for some advice. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  

It might be worth taking a look at some of our Beyond Blue resources:

• "Self harm and self injury" - 
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injur...

• "Journey to wellness" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/journey-to-wellness

You might also find some helpful advice in the following thread - “Helpful strategies for anger”

Thanks again for reaching out here - please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread. Hopefully a few of our community members will pop by over the next few days to welcome you.

[Ggrand]

Dearest falldown7timesstandup8...

We would like to warmly welcome you to the caring community here on the forums..

Im sorry that happened to you when you were younger..I was also sexually, physically and emotionally abused for many years..and have a diagnosis of PTSD and a few more different mh struggles..

I am pleased that you reached out for help here and with your Dr...

I am the opposite to you...I freeze and flight..to scared to confront anyone...

My therapist told me last week..that when we go through a lot of trauma in our life.,the part of our brain gets stuck in either flight or fight and it needs to be retrained to help us..not sure how that works though...I am sure the more I see my therapist the more clearer that will become...It’s not our fault we were abused, nor that our brain gets stuck in a certain way....I also don’t have any anger in me, as that was squashed earlier in my childhood...I wish I did though..

I don’t know how to suggest something for your anger..but I’m wondering if you have things you like doing..playing with you beautiful 3 year old, listening to some music, going for walks with your child in a stroller...I am asking because maybe when you feel the anger rising or panic approaching you might be able to distract the anger by doing something that gives you some joy..

I stepped away from my parents when I was 18..because of their abuse...after many years (38) we did reconnect, with my mum...my dad had passed away... but unfortunately it wasn’t for long as she passed away not long after...It gave me some peace knowing we forgave each other...

Not sure if I have helped you at all..just wanted you to know that your not alone and that we care and are here for you..

Kind and caring thoughts..

Grandy.l

[falldown7timesstandup8]

hello

thanks for taking the time to respond

At the moment i havent quite found anything that will tone down an episode other than the prescription medication which i wont have for much longer, i am hoping by the time I run out of the medication, that i will have been connected with a therapist. i am also in a relationship with my daughters father who is emotionally abusive and i know he is but i still crave his love and i still panic when theres a problem even though i know ive done nothing wrong, i still fear him leaving. i am so unhealthy and afraid and i look forward and appreciate guidance.

I guess we can both understand the trauma and heart break that comes with a broken relationship with parents how ever i havent reached a stage where i am ready to forgive.. and at the moment, nearly 4 years later I still hold a lot of anger. if they had of maybe acknowledged or been some what accountable for the abuse and had a little empathy maybe it would be different. My father plays the victim and so does my mother, theyre both alcoholics and drug addicts and claim to not remember the abuse they dished. I tried to forgive and forget from the age of 16-27 i think i gave them and spent enough time and emotion trying to have them in my life.. due to the abuse, and the attempt of killing my unborn child, i am so protective of my daughter. Having lived from couch to couch at friends places, sometimes friends of friends places from the age of 13 I have taught myself to survive without them over a long period of time, ive already mourned their death essentially. so itll be a hard road to recover from. how ever, maybe after some therapy, ill be able to see it from a different perspective. but for a long time, its been just me, and then it was me and my daughter. even though I have a partner, i still only have me and my girl, and its a bubble thats scary to leave

walking around on egg shells and not talking about my feelings for fear of being rejected, unsupported is something ive lived with since i can remember. and sometimes it just becomes too much, where do i start

thank you