Am i alone in feeling this? "TRIGGER WARNING"

[Guest_672]

Does anyone else have constant guilt from not being able to protect others from there abuser??? I just saw a picture online of my pedophile dad and he's still active in society doing as he pleases without a care in the world. My hearts pounding, tears are welling up but won't come out, depressions building up. He's got at least a few adult victims including myself. He was charged when i was a teenager but let go. I feel its my fault if someone else is abused because i can't stop him. Ive tried crimestoppers so many times. I even once put an add on gumtree to warn people of him. I even called police to my house yrs ago to discuss it and when i said what if i get a taped confession? they said criminals have rights, i said so my dog has more legal rights than i do? they said yes and walked out. Im the one living in constant torment from his sexual and psychological abuse but hes happy. I recently had a ex friends friend abuse me for not doing enough to get him in jail. I always say to others in a similar situation its not your fault but when it comes to me sometimes i feel like it is.

[Quercus]

Hi Whitewolfwarrior,

My head says to remind you (as I'm sure you have heard so many times before) that what his actions are his alone and not your fault or responsibility...

But my heart says that comment meant nothing to me either once. It still felt like my fault.

I was scared to trust a psych and accept help because an abusive ex had loved psychology and toying with people (me especially).

The idea of him having power over vulnerable people made me sick. I felt it was my fault because I never said anything about what he did.

You have done so much to try and protect others. It is understandably difficult to accept that it is up to the police to manage the risk when the system fails repeatedly.

But what I found helped me was asking myself do I want him to forever have this power over me? Or do I want to heal and move on without him constantly in the back of my mind bringing fear.

I didn't think it would be possible but the psychotherapy I did weekly for over a year has helped.

My point is regardless of what the friend said he is not your responsibility. It is not your burden to carry and he has done you enough harm.

Do you think maybe the distress you feel is a sign you need better medical support and treatment?

I hope others are able to reply in time. I'm not sure my reply is helpful but I wanted you to know someone had read your post and cared deeply.

Please take care of yourself first WWW.

Nat

[Croix]

Dear Whitewolfwarrior~

Excuse me for being blunt -your ex-friend's freind is an idiot. You have given a clear account of having taken every available means of stopping this person and I'm very sad to say things do not always work out. As an ex-policeman I know there is an awful lot for which society has no effective answer.

I am sure the police feel the same as you, however their hands are tied by a legal system - it would be a mistake to call it a justice system - and cannot take matter into their own hands, which really is just as well, and the lesser of two evils. Most, like you, will feel frustration and powerlessness. The ones I know try hard, it is not a question of not caring.

While I can easily understand you wish him to be jailed, it is not your responsibility 100%. You have done what you can and really need to see that. I know I'm talking logic, which I'm sure you know already, however your emotions have to feel that way too and stop blaming yourself.

It is a sad fact of human nature that those like yourself who have been harmed blame themselves - at least in part. Totally unjustified, but it happens, I don't know why. It leaves powerful corrosive emotions.

One of the people you feel an obligation to protect is in fact yourself, and here there is hope of some success. Proper medical support, perhaps a psychiatrist that is a specialist in abuse can, with your help, do a lot to make your life easier and worth living. It is one way to defeat your father's evil, to be whole and not feeling so guilt wracked and helpless.

A true freind would not have said anything so shallow and ill-considered.

I would like it if you felt like keeping on talking here

Croix

[Jackson85]

Hi Whitewolfwarrior,

I'm so sorry to hear your story, but I'm so glad you shared it on this forum. It sounds like you've gone to an awful lot of effort to do what's right here, and stop the possibility of harm to others. I think the lengths you've gone to are extraordinary, much more than most would do, and it's especially impressive considering the trauma you've experienced.

I agree with your sentiment that really it's not your fault, and that you've done an amazing job trying to find justice.

Hang in there,

Jackson85

[Guest_672]

Thankyou jackson85,croix and quercus. I wrote a reply earlier which hasn't published yet and i hope it doesn't because it wasn't the real me talking i was in a state when i wrote it. I wish we had a 30min delay after sending a reply to delete it or at least edit.  Youd see it in a diff

[Guest_672]

Croix thanx but we're gonna have to agree to disagree about the police with this. There was more to the story, but the details are unsuitable for the forums. The last time i saw a mental health person where the abuse was discussed i was blamed. Ive seen alot of psychologists and psychiatrists in the past and i mean alot and theres only so much they can do. Ptsd is only one part of my mental illnesses. Deep down i know its not my fault if something happens to someone else. But on the surfice i feel different. I guess cause my family including aunts and auncles knew but didn't do anything and so intern let more people get hurt has made me not want to be like them.

[Jojo100]

Hi Whitewolfwarrior

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through and think you are truly courageous in the way you have handled things. I don’t think you could do much more than you have done in an attempt to get justice and some peace.

I understand the guilt you talk of as when I was in my teens my boss sexually assaulted me on numerous occasions, however, unlike you I felt too ashamed to speak up. He was a respected doctor and I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I ended up leaving that job in the UK and moving to Australia. Now that I am older and wiser I wish I had spoken up.

Your friend seems very unhelpful and obviously doesn’t understand how hard you have tried to have this person put behind bars where he belongs.

I really admire how proactive you have been and wish you well.

All the very best Jojo

[Croix]

Dear Whitewolfwarrior~

I doubt we disagree, more I suspect I've been lucky in my fellow workers.

I can see your desire not to be like those who pretended nothing happened, it is important to feel that one does the right thing when those around do not. It can help bolster strength as well as sometimes doing great good..

It can also be very taxing and corrosive. You are important in your own right, I guess I'm trying to say do not sacrifice too much of yourself that you are badly affected.

Yes a 1/2 hour to cool off and maybe retract some things written when emotions are high might be very handy, however this system does not do that. I'd like it too as I make so many typos apart from anything else, plus sometimes I wonder if something I've said should have been phrased another way.

This place is very mindful that others can become very affected by some posts. I can be too and am grateful for the protections here.

If on reflection you do wish to say something I simply suggest you take time to use general descriptions and be mindful others can be easily triggered. Normally there is an acceptable way of getting an idea across.

It is bad enough to have irrational self-blame, which so many who have been abused have, to be blamed by others is very harsh. You will not be judged like that here

Croix

[Guest_672]

Thanks jojo and croix again. 

[Jojo100]

Hiya

Hope you are okay and taking care of yourself. Please remember what happened to you was not your fault and you did everything in your power to try and get justice.

Also remember you are not alone. People on this forum (including myself) care about you. Stay safe and I hope you feel better soon.

Jojo