Advice please?? Overwhelmed, anxious and feeling lost is my permanent state of mind lately

[loouuiiee]

I'm not really sure where to post but I am really hoping for some advice.

ve been on anxiety and depression medication for around 5 years now and have experienced anxiety, depression, and PTSD my entire life after experiencing quite a traumatic and neglectful childhood and some of my teenage years being homeless.

I don't really have any friends due to moving around a lot and constant upheaval of my life repeatedly over the last 10-12 years. I don't really have a family either. I tend to keep to myself and am scared of pretty much everything and anything.

I'm 27 years old and I have a very reliant fiance, 2 stepdaughters who come on weekends (they live with their birth mother, during the week), a very stressful full-time job, and to top it all off I am also studying a bachelor degree online.

y partner is heavily reliant on me - I have to drive him and his kids around, and although we get paid virtually the same ammount, I always end up paying for the majority of our living expenses.

am that person who is literally expected to do everything for everyone, and not only do my efforts go unacknowledge and unappreciated, but when I need time or money or ANYTHING for myself, it is deemed totally unacceptable.

I recently had to start seeing a new psychologist and gosh, it felt horrible having to recount everything and basically start all over again.

These past 4 months I have experienced a serious decline in my mental health, my mood, my approach to life. I just don't feel like me, it feels like all the life has been sucked out of me and I just can't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give.

have spoken to my partner because my hope for next year is to drop some days at work so instead of working a 40+ hour working week, I would work part-time and have more time for myself and to study. He flat out said no and told me if i only want to work a few days a week I should move back in with my parents (knowing full well I have been unable to live with my family since they kicked me out of home when I was 15 years old) 😞

I am not prepared to give up my studies because I am only studying part-time at the moment and I have been putting off completing my degree since I graduated high school in 2010 due to the need to be able to support myself (and everyone else!) financially.

what should I do?

[Mil]

Hi loouuiiee,

I'm not a moderator so I hope it's ok to respond. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and there's a community out there that understands how you're feeling. I'm so sorry to read you're going through a turbulent time and it sounds like you've had quite a tough life.

It's great you were able to reach out here and to go back to the psychologist. I can imagine how hard it is to have to start from the beginning again, but I'm glad you have this outlet and I hope it will help you deal with your thoughts and situation. You could maybe ask your psychologist if there are any support groups that would be appropriate for you?

It might be nice to connect with people and maybe find helpful friends. Do you think you could join a group with shared interests (sport team, hobby, study groups... you can look on this website for example: https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/ ) to try and build your own circle? I know that's challenging when you're already very busy though! I'm a bit the same as you in that I tend to forget that making time & room for ourselves is very important, because I feel best when I'm caring for someone. But in my own experience, that can also lead to exhaustion and anxiety - it seems you might be experiencing this too?

I'm very lucky that I have a great partner who encourages me to take time for myself. From what you write, it seems your relationship doesn't provide you with much space to rest. It does not sound fair to me that you carry most of the expenses and chores if your partner earns about the same amount. Is there a way you could discuss this with him in a calm and safe manner? Is he supportive of you emotionnally? You deserve love and care, just like you take care of the ones around you.

Sending warmth and strength your way,

Mil

[Aaronsis]

Hi loouuiiee and a big hello to you too Mil

I just wanted to acknowledge your post Mil and say you are so very welcome to support people as you feel you can, the way that you have reached out to loouuiiee is so wonderful and caring and there really is not a lot for me to add either. We are all here together and don't let the badges bluff you, we are all just people too, who have been brought here by hardship, or pain, or grief, or just the need to reach out and help a fellow human.

You sure do have alot on your plate loouuiiee and I am so proud of you for reaching out here, it is so wonderful that you are taking on some studies to better yourself and it is really hurtful for someone to feel that they can put limitations on your working V's studying when you are both contributing to the house, infact when you are contributing more to the house.

I no the feeling of having to retell a tale and having the pain come all back up again like some kind of reflux, it really is horrible, but hopefully it is all for a great outcome in that you can build a good relationship with your therapist and get some really great results for you, wishing you all the very best there.

You do need to have some things in life that make you happy and you should not have to feel like you have to "ask" permission to do so, these are red flags in a relationship when you are not encouraged to do things you enjoy and are not encouraged to grow.

I hope to chat to you some more and it is so brave of you to speak out loouuiiee, hugs to you.

Big hugs to you too Mil, you are so very caring and supportive, you are valued here.

Hugs

AS

[Mil]

Thanks very much for your kind words Aaronsis. This forum has helped me (still does) and if I can do the same for others, that would be pretty cool. Like a wholesome circle 🙂

loouuiiee, we're here if you wish to talk further. Thinking of you!

Best to you two,

Mil

[loouuiiee]

Unfortunately my partner has not been very supportive, emotionally or in any other way for the last couple of years.
years ago (when we were in our late teens/early twenties) he was there for me through some tough times, and since then he has come in and out of my life as a romantic partner several times.
The fact that he has gone and then come back makes me wary that he is comfortable with using me for whenever it suits him, but it also makes him the closest thing I have to an old friend.before he came along I had felt alone my entire life.
And he knows me and my story very well... meeting new people I feel like there is a giant elephant in the room because I have been through some crazy stuff for someone who is only 27 years old, and I just don’t feel like a ‘normal’ 27 year old at all 😕

finding time to do anything for myself is the biggest battle!

Between my full time job, my partner and his kid I am lucky to find time to complete my studies.
I have looked in to community groups for people to meet up who also have anxiety and depression. I’d love to be able to attend but the timing always seem to clash with my work commitments or whatever I’m expected to do in regards to my fiancé and his kid.
But it is a goal of mine to push for time to do things which are important to me.

If I don’t do what my partner wants I’m pretty sure he will either leave, or pressure me in to leaving.
it scares me the thought of having to go it alone in life again.
I barely made it through the last time and I had a lot more determination and drive in me back then.

I think all my fighting spirit has been sapped out of me over the years

[Mil]

Hey loouuiiee,

Sorry for the late answer, things have been a bit frantic over here.

I can hear (well, read) how tired you are, and it must be so difficult just keeping up with everything that a drastic change seems like it's just too much, especially if you don't have much support 😞

How about gradual changes though? You could start with focusing on your goal to find time for yourself, your studies, your projects, your hobbies... I'm glad you've resolved to push for this because you so deserve it. My hope is that it will help resplenish your strength and confidence, then maybe other gradual goals will seem less hard. And either your partner steps up and evolves with you, or maybe he doesn't and you'll find you are better off without him. Because right now it doesn't seem like he's doing right by you, but I understand you know each other so well and there's history, so it's not that easy.

I've found making new friends can be quite hard once you're not in uni anymore, and I understand what you mean with the elephant in the room. Maybe support groups would be good for this, because you'll meet people who also have been through some difficult things and might feel a bit like you do?

Let us know how you're going and if you manage to make it to a session!

Also, I'm just curious - what are you studying? There might be study groups around you?

Cheers,

Mil

[loouuiiee]

Thanks for your reply Mil

I am studying the bachelor of early childhood and primary education and I work full time in long day care (9-10 hour shifts each week day).
things have been hectic over the last few weeks with winding up at work and getting ready for the ‘festive season’ 😕 what a nightmare it has been!

im relieved to say I have 3 weeks of annual leave ahead of me, however the slower pace of my holidays only started yesterday and it’s left my head spinning.

See my workplace has asked me to step up for next year, I reluctantly said yes because if I don’t step up there is not really any position for me to go to there.
they need someone to step up and the only person really qualified or able to is me.
I have also been offered a job elsewhere which is part time and a bit of an easier role.
The reduction in working hours would give me time for myself but that means I would be earning HALF of what I earn now ... and financially would be reliant on my fiancé.

ive done the maths and, should I take this new job opportunity, I could still contribute evenly to our expenses and I would be able pay my equal share. But I would not be able to pay MORE than my half (which is often what I do).
Ive tried to have conversations and discuss my options with him. Like always, i can’t get a straight answer or an in depth conversation out of him.
I am terrified to not be completely financially independent because last time I was in that position I wound up homeless.
I am also terrified of burning myself out even more than what I already am.

[littleboots]

Hey loouuiiee I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I just wanted to send you some support and I hope that whatever decision you do make, it will feel right for you.

Burning out is a big problem and being told you are the only one - whilst sounding super good, is also a little manipulative. Maybe they didn't mean to manipulate but it's certainly creating a problem for you. Saying no for your own health isn't popular amongst management but it is necessary. Sometimes being indispensable comes at a terrible cost don't let it be too much.

You mentioned how your partner isn't enthusiastic about talking money. I wonder if you could make an appointment with a financial counsellor or similar and take the budget to them with your partner!! Then you are in an office, having a dedicated appointment about finances with someone who is qualified to steer the conversation into this area and keep it there.

You could run both wage scenarios past the counsellor with various models of what your own expenses are and what you normally end up paying. It may take some of the stress out of making the decision about which job to take. T

here may also be other financial goals that you have too and they can be explored or you could back the appointment up and go away to do some homework and return with more info.

I don't know if that helps at all but I understand the apathy that some people view this sort of subject with and I also understand how being reliant on another person can be terrifying especially if they're not especially motivated. And yeah being homeless is simply no place to end up.

Whatever you decide to do try to remember what your limitations are and keep an eye on the warning signs. Take good care of yourself because working with young children is highly stressful and I tip my hat to you for doing such a important job.

[loouuiiee]

Thankyou littleboots

the thought of returning to my workplace after my annual leave is over terrifies me.
I know it’s going to be so full on and stressful.
& if I decide to resign i am not going to be in anyone’s good books to put it lightly.

we are financially able to survive on just one of our wages.
I am very good at managing money having lived alone for most of my life and had to support myself solely for most of it.
we both earn very similar amounts. The issue is that I am willing to budget and make sacrifices where he is not willing to do that.
without both incomes we will not be able to afford the luxuries he enjoys and he has made it clear he does not want that.

Also, if I continue down the road of full time employment, study and primary caretaker of our household (including caring for and driving him and his kid around because he does not have a license and can not do that) I know my physical and emotional burnout will worsen and something will have to give.i won’t physically or mentally be able to sustain what I’m currently doing for much longer. I have been telling him this for over 6 months but he just ignores any kind of conversation about it.

or he threatens to leave and move back in with his mum saying that if things are ‘too hard’ that he might as well leave. Which I always reply by saying ‘things are too hard at the moment, which is why I need you to HELP me’.

he relies on me so much.
but it feels like it’s not ok for me to rely on him!

Nobody has my back or my best interests at heart, which is heartbreaking because we are engaged and suppose to be life partners 😞

[Mil]

Hey loouuiiee,

It sounds like you're really in a tough spot and feeling like you're all alone in this, which is a heavy burden. So adding the stress of your work "pickle", I have no doubt you're already feeling burnt out. Working with children is indeed very rewarding but absolutely exhausting. Incidentally, that's what aiming to do too! Yay for passionate carers and educators!

I like littleboots's idea of taking this to a third party, preferably a professional or someone your partner trusts/respects (but who you know to be responsible) to make him move from his apathetic stance. It is simply not fair to you and really you should be the one threatening to leave, not him. You know how to budget and survive when it sounds like he would just go back to his mum to be reliant on her. That doesn't reflect very well on him. I know if you are with him, there must be some good in his personnality, so I can understand trying to appeal to this side of him first, and maybe if you can make him understand he will make an effort. But we also have to see when it's not working out and when the relationship takes too much of a toll on you. You deserve someone who supports you, and I know it really hurts when your chosen partner doesn't, and I'm sorry.

Workwise, only you can know how much is too much I guess, but I would say your mental health and financial security are equally important and both must be secured (as much as possible). I agree with littleboots, sounds like your work is putting a lot of pressure on you, which isn't good when you already have enough stress factors. How do you feel about your work managers? Anyone you trust there? Could you disclose a bit of your situation and see if you can come to an arrangement or is that out of question?

In my case, planning and writing things down (lists, pros&cons...) helps me reduce anxiety. Sounds like you have your head on your shoulders, so you could try planning and budgeting for different scenarios: taking on more responsibilities at current job/accepting other job and focusing on your studies/budgeting for 2/budgeting for yourself only, etc. Maybe you could even present that to your psychologist and review your options with him/her? I would hope your boyfriend would revise his position if he sees you seriously planning for your own future, possibly without him. If he doesn't, well, you'll be prepared.

Does this sound ok or am I talking out of my ... you know where? 🙂

Much love and strength to you!

Mil