This is my first time here and its come at the stage in my life where i
have lost everything i love because i have pushed and pushed until they
couldn't take it anymore. Im try to get help but opening up is
terrifying and only possible in small windo...
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This is my first time here and its come at the stage in my life where i
have lost everything i love because i have pushed and pushed until they
couldn't take it anymore. Im try to get help but opening up is
terrifying and only possible in small windows which never seem to be
open at the right time. Its great for everyone to say get help, like its
that easy!!! Truth is, ive been carrying my pain since i was six years
old when my sexual abuse started. I have been almost re living the worst
days of my life in my mind over and over in my head for the last five
years, only having a chance to breathe in that small space between
starting to drink and being too drunk to see reason. My partner who i
love with all of my heart, bore the brunt of my fears and to be honest,
i couldn't even see the effect i was having on her when i was in that
state. I hate me for that. When we met, for the first few years, things
were great, she knew i had been abused but not in any detail. She was
proud of me for being so strong and i guess at the time i was. Over
time, after we had our three beautiful children, the intimacy between us
died and the past just kept coming back. It was as tho every advance i
made was rejected, i couldn't work it out. I put it down to me, not
being good enough and all of the related feelings that go with it.
Eventually, i feel i let all of my good intentions become a quest for a
sexual connection again because for me, feeling rejected sexually had
become a trigger. To me, my abuser never rejected me, he is the only one
who wants me. I dont know how this thought process manifested itself
because there were reasons that explained the lack of intimacy but none
seemed to take away the rejection i felt. So i would internalises it and
push it away. We would make up for the outbursts i had in a quick fix
till next time cycle. The thoughts never went away, the past grew more
and more into my present. I feel like im going crazy, im panicking as i
write this. I really dont know what to do. I just want to treat the ones
i love like i want to, why do i let being raped as a child be the
defining part of my life. It changes and rules everything. I want to
tell her everything. But the reason i couldn't for all of those years
was that it would hurt her less to feel i felt rejected by her, to fight
and make up for that than to let her see and feel the pain i do. Has
anyone else out there had those feelings? I feel like no one can
understand and im alone in this.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
