Grieving an abusive parent

[Madaline]

Hi all, I am new to this site. I am going through the loss of a parent and it is complex as they were abusive all through my childhood and I hadn't had contact with them in years. Seeing her in hospital was tremendously traumatic as I wasn't even remotely prepared for how I felt. I thought I would be cold, even a little relieved as there has never been a connection, but now I am just so incredibly sad and shattered and added to that the memories of what happened. Am I sounding stupid? How do I unravel all of this when I don't even know why I am feeling this grief for someone who did nothing but make my life hell?

Thankyou

[GimZim]

I think anything you feel is totally normal, death and grieving are complicated, adding an abusive relationship dynamic would only make it more so. I think a lot of the sadness would come from knowing that reconciliation isn't possible and apologies and acknowledgement won't come, even if those things would not have happened anyway.

[Helen72]

Hi Madaline,

I had a similar situation but with me it was my ex. Although I hadn't seen him in years, he still had me listed as next of kin and the police turned up and told me.

For weeks I was crying at weird times and had to take time off work. I think a big part of it was mourning what could have been. Be gentle with yourself - you are grieving and it is a process that takes time.

Helen