Emotional deprivation/ childhood emotional neglect

[CatLadyInTraining]

Hello, this is my first post but I’ve been reading the forum for a while.

as background, I am in ongoing therapy for my anorexia, and associated depression and anxiety. I’m working with my therapist to uncover the underlying issues to my AN.

we have uncovered a history of emotional deprivation / childhood emotional neglect - as my parents in turn did not receive emotional support from their parents and never learned these things themselves. It was a huge shock to me to realise this in my past as I had been completely unaware of it at the time, thinking I’d had a ‘perfect’ childhood and ‘perfect’ parents who gave me everything I needed.

so to the point:

when i am feeling emotional pain or distress, I find that it is NOT helpful for others (friends, therapist, GP etc) to offer reassurance or to remind me that I’m doing well or that it will get better soon. This makes me feel so invalidated and I’ve had to train my support people not to use those more common techniques.

I am learning to identify and validate my own emotions as true and real. So I need them to exist, as they are, as difficult as they may be. It’s been very difficult for my support people to learn this.

is there anyone else here who has suffered similar CEN experiences have a similar response to people trying to make you feel better?

Since CEN is invisible/ defined by what DIDN’T happen I can’t find others to share my experience with so thought I’d try here.

thank you. I look forward to posting more in the community and supporting others if I can.

[Croix]

Dear CatLadyInTraining~

Welcome here. I'd imagine the number of people that have suffered CEN to one degree or another is immense and sadly for most it would simply be regarded by them as their own failings, or simply the way they were. Much as you did.

Actually I'm probably a bit dense however I'm not sure of the point you are making. I agree that for anyone to trivialize deep illness or suffering is not only counter productive but highly annoying. It can also lead to feelings of self-doubt and that one's illness is not as serious as it actually is.

On the other hand I do rely upon selected others to tell me if I am improving (or otherwise) as often I do not have sufficient perspective to judge.

All that being said in an ideal world one tries to take charge, and this includes, if one has the resources, choice of therapists and other medical professionals, and the means by which various therapeutic exercises are selected and carried out.

By the sound of it you found a therapist that was able to identify the problem, which is a truly great piece of luck. Hopefully that same therapist is familiar enough with the condition to work through the necessary identifications and exercises, and yes of course for that your thoughts and feelings have to be validated.

Well meaning people do try to be encouraging, and that may well backfire, however a desire to support and encourage, even if clumsily executed, is a better the the reverse. After all it does acknowledge there is a problem and shows a desire for you improvement. One of the great lacks is knowing how to properly support, be it for illness, disability or loss.

The other side of the coin is worse. One of my pet hates is to hear someone say 'snap out of it', which shows a masterly lack of understanding or a person bereft of care.

From you post I get the impression that you are in charge and are able to direct those around you to best effect. This does not mean I don't think you face great difficulties, just I'd have more hope of you emerging into a better place than many.

My apologies if I'm misunderstanding you, please feel free to sing out and say so.

Croix (who is thoroughly trained by his cats)

[White_Rose]

Dear CatladyInTraining

First I want to welcome you to the forum no matter how long you have been reading. That first step of posting is enormous for most people so many congratulations.

I agree with both the comments you have made and with the remarks from Croix. I had a similar experience to you when I realised my psychiatrist felt I had lived with childhood emotional neglect, which is what I presume you mean by CEN. With the benefit of hindsight I can understand what went on in my life and the pressures my parents, and particularly my mom, had to live with. However a child rarely understands this sort of thing and like you assumes it is normal and everyone lived this way. Failing that the child believes it is all his/her fault.

Yes, it can be hard when we are told how well we are going. If I was doing so well how come I still cry or get angry or whatever. So I tend to brush off comments like this. However I do tell people life will get better no matter how unlikely this appears. It is something to hang on to when nothing else is happening. If you find this uncomfortable then yes, tell everyone not to say these things. This is the same feeling I had when trying to lose weight. Don't tell me it will happen when I am ready (a favourite comment), remind me how far I have come and validate my struggle that way. I found that when I turned round at looked at how far I had travelled it was a booster. I expect you have your preferred comments.

Croix is right about taking these comments as an indicator of love and concern. It needs you to separate the care offered from the way it is expressed. We are never told how to make someone feel good, how to give encouragement and validation. Mostly it is a trial and error process. Good that you have expressed your needs. Have you told anyone what you would like to hear?

You have demonstrated huge progress by, as you say, I am learning to identify and validate my own emotions as true and real. That is tangible progress. It is also validation because your hard work has been noticed and the changes in you reflect this. I believe this is good stuff because those who care also notice. What would you like your support people to say?

Love to hear from you again.

Mary

[PamelaR]

Hi CatLadyInTraining and welcome to our forums

Croix and Mary have given you their insight into your posts.Here is mine.

I too have a history of childhood emotional neglect. During my life I've learnt to manage on my own - I haven't needed anyone else. Especially hearing - you're doing okay, or you've done well. Doesn't cut it does it? I didn't need that to get me to were I am today.

My psychologists have been very understanding though because none of them ever said that to me. So I would say the psychs I've had are very understanding of CEN.

I learnt to be emotionally self sufficient. However, I now know that in some ways those emotions lacked feeling. That's a really difficult distinction I know. I'm just beginning to come to terms with understanding what I mean. For example, in a conversation with friends and hubby recently I said I'm just learning about feelings. My hubby piped in - but you're emotional. Yes, but my emotions were not always interpreted correctly or in fact my emotions were sometimes a bit out there.

So now I'm learning about the feelings that go with my emotions. It's a little less daunting and I'm probably now likely to bit someones head off anymore if they said - you're doing okay, or you'll be okay.

I've found as I've healed my wounds and recovered, I'm feeling so much more. Less likely to be emotionally distraught or invalidated with those words of what others think of as kindness and understanding.

Hope some of this helps CatLadyInTraining.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Taylz2029]

Hi CatLadyinTraining,

I am new here but I read your post and it caught my eye.

I too suffered from emotional leglect as a child.

A bit about my experience- I come from a family that do not discuss emotions or ‘real issues’. We put everything aside and have superficial conversations. My Mum has always made everything a ‘competition’ with me whenever I tried to raise any concerns/ complaints about my life with her. Ie: I am a shift worker but can never say that I’m tired, because she runs a business and always has to compete as far as who is more tired. Consequently I rarely speak to her.

It was the same growing up. I was given the necessities like food, water, clothing ect but that was about it.

I think when you miss out on emotional support as a child it becomes difficult to receive it as an adult. You learn to function on your own with your own support, and when others then offer it, it is hard to receive.

When people try and offer me supportive words ect I don’t feel worthy of them. I feel like I’ve managed on my own all this time and no amount of explaining will make people understand. I feel like I’ve kept so much inside. The truth is I have crippling anxiety and could use the support, but I don’t know how to take it. I too feel very invalidated.

I think it’s about reaching a level of acceptance, and acknowledging that these people are only offering that support out of kindness and care. However it is OK to express exactly what you’re feeling. Being honest is the best way.

All the best,

Taylz.

[PamelaR]

Hi Taylz and welcome to our community

Thank you for sharing your story and responding to CatLadyinTraining. The forums are a safe and secure place where you will find caring, supportive, friendly and non judgemental people.

The home I grew up in had loads of emotions - mostly all anger, little to no love. Like you I was looked after with - clothing, food, shelter. But little else. Most of my understanding of feelings and the emotions that go with that have been from outside the family. Though it's always hard to trust others and allow them into my world.

I really like how you have come through your life - learning to accept, to acknowledge and above all to see that you are worthwhile. That's it's okay to express your feelings. Thank you again for sharing these experiences for others to read.

If you need to or want to feel free to start your own thread about how you have coped with your life and how you continue to do so under the Staying Well forum. No pressure, just if you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Cybil101]

Hi Taylz. I sooooo relate to this. I too was provided with the basic necessities but that was it. No emotional support. There are so many messages out there that say we must look after our parents & I struggle with that as my mum was never there for me. I feel unloved, unwanted, angry, resentful, unworthy in this relationship. We didn’t talk about difficult emotions and how to cope with this. There were so many secrets in our family as no one should know what they are really like.

[PamelaR]

Hi Cybil and warm welcome to our Beyond Blue forums

It's really good you've found your way to our community Cybil. And to learn that you're not alone in how you feel about your childhood and your ongoing relationship with your mum. Secrets in families are really horrible and so difficult when trying to maintain good relationships.

I understand completely how you feel unloved, unwanted, angry, resentful and unworthy. That is how I spent the majority of my life. It's so unfair isn't it? And it hurts awfully. We expect our mums to give us everything we need as children - including emotional support.

This never happened for me, however, I've learnt to move on in life. There have been so many other people who have been there for me. It makes it easier and I try to not let my early upbringing define me completely. There are some really good things obviously about who I am and I do have to give some thanks to my mum and dad for those.

I'm lucky that my mum and dad are no longer alive because I do not have to face them or have to help them live the remainder of their lives. I would find that intensely difficult, though believe I could put on the 'strong' exterior that I always used with my relationship with my mum. So I could give basic support she gave me, i.e ensure shelter, food, basic care (through available services). Nothing more, nothing less. Now, I might try to talk about the things that occurred during childhood, though, it would fall on deaf ears.

Hope you don't mind me saying - not trying to devalue your experience or anything. Just something that has helped me to come to terms with, accept and acknowledge that not everyone is perfect. Mum's don't come with an instant parental license. It's something they learn over time and from their own experiences. Knowing my mum's family it's understandable she was the ways she was. Coming to see things this way does not mean I accept the things that happened. These will always be there and as time progresses become a little less painful.

Keep reaching out if and when you want to Cybil. Feel free to start your own thread if you want to or join other discussions too that are relevant to your story.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Cybil101]

Thanks Pamela. My relationship with my mother is really complex though, as I was molested by my Dad & when I disclosed this to a friend & he was charged she supported him & sat beside him in court. I have never received any emotional support from her at all about that and he continued to live in the house with us.

[AmizAussieGirl1989]

CatLadyInTraining

My parents haven't anything to do with me at all I can relate they're just as cold father kicked me out in 2010 in sheer insanity due to mother isn't a part of my life it was upon me brother hasn't anything to do with me its best they never do they aren't nice people are on drugs and drink themselves happy

I'm unwell for instance due to lack of care of others circulating I'm to self ... relieved just Ill I have time for friends on my level of mind I'm the "black sheep" of my family everyone neglects never listens to I haven't any close friends I see on a regular basis I'm alone in the world I know how it feels Hug

just a quick one for you it may help another one fighting PTSD Trauma Depression Anxiety I'll give this one directly I'll make sure its here for all get into something that speaks to yourself keep a diary make it personal something pretty or it maybe something rather black hate filled ugly when it needs to be draw out stress pain don't allow it to circulate in the system

follow a little self-religion I love to make mine with colour-psychology it does incredible things that can help read you and others I have my little kitI use I made in therapy many yrs ago all written down best you make it for yourself I'll show the steps "begin with self to design self transformation therapy"

I label each colour I cross over define all shapes in my mindset I relate it to something aka I see purple I see a love heart I take time to record these after a while it forms a clear behavioural awareness chart this is a great way to pin-point behaviour in the future give them names like: AMEN is when I feel as I answer my prayers in my body my mind for you DIEN when I'm at my worst NIEN here's the flare up OMEN a new one HAILS BYE I'm over it I have mastered it

this'll explain the mindset you have to yourself and others more each colour addresses to the body's health its vital you're to improve Anorexia I am atm suffering Anemia I haven't seen my GP just yet I have all over my body it's symptoms like bruises and rashes I know how hard it is to have an eating disorder sweety I do hugs

relate it to maybe the stone gem colour meanings in Psychology build a diary or booklet find happiness in there ok? it makes everyone feel inspired delighted I have organization to my desire in my mindset it assists drs/physcs in future to determine personality how to assist you better