advice on what to do with family members who've caused PTSD

[bee2003]

Hi,

So on paper I look like I've recovered from a lot of my trauma i.e I have a job and study and seem functioning. But I still maintain a close relationship with my parents who greatly contributed to my PTSD and sometimes I find it hard to tell if they're the reason I'm still not getting much better. My dad overlooked my brother abusing me as a child and in present day continues to scream, swear and belittle me. When I've discussed how much these behaviours impact me he storms off and won't speak to me for somewhere between days and weeks. His longest was a year. When I don't challenge his behaviours he's a generally kind person who's fairly supportive but these outbursts of belittlement and screaming trigger past memories horribly. He also gaslights me during and after these outbursts to make me feel as if I am to blame for his anger getting out of control which I don't feel is fair. He'll also deny saying horrible things seconds after saying them which makes me feel insane.

Alongside this he constantly excuses my mums manipulative behaviour. She always tries to guilt trip me into not moving far away from them (I've lived out of home since 17 but close by due to this) and says things like 'you don't care about my happiness,' 'you won't make it,' and just things along the lines of 'you're not capable enough for that'. As a child she kept me in the house with no contact to anyone else or the outside in general up to age 11 so any comments that make me feel trapped make me go a little crazy for fear of being locked up again. It took a lot for me to break free from that but I feel like the constant reminders of my past in their behaviour are starting to bring me back to rock bottom again and I don't want to lose all the progress I've made.

Sorry if this is long and unclear but I'm just unsure on what to do as I don't want to lose a relationship with my only family left but I'm not sure if the mental toll is preventing me from making positive relationships. I feel like I'm slowly screwing up more at work and uni because of all this and I don't want to ruin it all before it's too late. If anyone has any advice on how to even begin managing this kind of situation it'd be greatly appreciated as I'm at a loss and losing hope.

[Doolhof]

Hi bee2003,

Welcome to the forum and the community here. I hope reaching out here and sharing your story has helped n some way. I am so sorry to read about what you have experienced and continue to experience within your family.

If you don't mind me asking, have you received any counselling for what has happened in your life? Would you consider seeking help if you have not done so already? Your Dr may be able to suggest places you can seek help and assistance.

It is very hard to know why people act they way they do and why when offenses and abuse happens, family members don't protect each other.

Being abused can cause so many traumas. It is certainly beneficial to seek help. We may never forget, but we can make changes so we can make the most of what we do have in life.

Sometimes we need to set healthy boundaries with people.

I don't want to over whelm you with my response. Hopefully others will join in and offer their suggestions and ideas as well.

Hope you keep safe.

Regards from Dools

[Bear1922]

Hi Bee2003,

Terminating relationships with family who deny, refuse to acknowledge & belittle your childhood trauma is the only real path to healing.

I am wishing you peace.

Bear

bee2003 said:

Hi,

So on paper I look like I've recovered from a lot of my trauma i.e I have a job and study and seem functioning. But I still maintain a close relationship with my parents who greatly contributed to my PTSD and sometimes I find it hard to tell if they're the reason I'm still not getting much better. My dad overlooked my brother abusing me as a child and in present day continues to scream, swear and belittle me. When I've discussed how much these behaviours impact me he storms off and won't speak to me for somewhere between days and weeks. His longest was a year. When I don't challenge his behaviours he's a generally kind person who's fairly supportive but these outbursts of belittlement and screaming trigger past memories horribly. He also gaslights me during and after these outbursts to make me feel as if I am to blame for his anger getting out of control which I don't feel is fair. He'll also deny saying horrible things seconds after saying them which makes me feel insane.

Alongside this he constantly excuses my mums manipulative behaviour. She always tries to guilt trip me into not moving far away from them (I've lived out of home since 17 but close by due to this) and says things like 'you don't care about my happiness,' 'you won't make it,' and just things along the lines of 'you're not capable enough for that'. As a child she kept me in the house with no contact to anyone else or the outside in general up to age 11 so any comments that make me feel trapped make me go a little crazy for fear of being locked up again. It took a lot for me to break free from that but I feel like the constant reminders of my past in their behaviour are starting to bring me back to rock bottom again and I don't want to lose all the progress I've made.

Sorry if this is long and unclear but I'm just unsure on what to do as I don't want to lose a relationship with my only family left but I'm not sure if the mental toll is preventing me from making positive relationships. I feel like I'm slowly screwing up more at work and uni because of all this and I don't want to ruin it all before it's too late. If anyone has any advice on how to even begin managing this kind of situation it'd be greatly appreciated as I'm at a loss and losing hope.