So lost, and lonely, in limbo with separation

[pastapat]

Hi, I'm new here. I just need someone to listen and maybe advice. I'm all alone in this country now. I caught my husband cheating with someone online and he moved out. I have no other family here since I moved here to be with him. I feel so hurt and betrayed how he could through away 15 years for someone online that he's never even met.

I feel in limbo. He hasn't filed for a divorce and we see each other sometimes and sometimes he is so sweet and acts like he wants to get back together and then he'll act so hateful and block me and hardly speak to me.

I have no friends here. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety and am being treated for it. I think about going out to meetups and things but without a car and no transport in the evening, it makes it hard to do anything without at least an hour an public transport each way. 😞

I tried going back to my home country last year for a few months and it didn't go that well. I couldn't find work. I'd been gone too long and nobody needed me anymore.

I just wish I knew where to start at rebuilding my life and how long I should wait to see if my husband is coming back or not.

[Donte]

Hello Coastal and Pastapat,

Some great advice! And thank you for sharing your personal experience. It's true that when online people only see what we want to show. Communication is only 15% based on words and the rest is non-verbal. When we are online we automatically limit our communication to 15% to start with. Plus, there's the advantage of deleting and editing information before we send the message, thus, our communication is compromised drastically.

The need for validation and having someone to listen to you is indeed a great lure as Coastal has said. However, that need in itself is not enough to base a relationship upon and build the foundations for a lifelong engagement.

Online usage is an addiction like any other and now recognized as an illness. Your husband may need help. Whatever he is trying to escape from is pulling him deeper into an addictive behavior that alienates him from you and others. However, unless he recognizes that he would like to change and ask for help, no one can do anything about it.

The best thing you may be able to do right now Pastapat is to keep busy doing creative, fulfilling things that give you purpose and meaning and surround yourself with other positive people who can support you in your time of need. Self-care is the best gift we can give to ourselves. X

[pastapat]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to me. It really does help not to feel so much alone.

You're right about it taking a long time to adjust to moving here to Australia. After 15 years, and now a citizen, Australia now feels more like home than my birth country.

My husband and I did spend most of Sunday yesterday together and we had a really good time. He's starting to be a little more affectionate towards me with hugs.

He is still talking to the other woman. I try not to let it bother me because it isn't real. Her goal is to get out of her country to either the US or UK or Australia. She's had at least 6 online relationships since she cheated on her first husband and abandoned her kids. It still hurts but I keep reminding myself that she'll never be able to afford to come here and even though she talks about marrying my husband, he has made zero effort to file for a divorce. He's had plenty of time to do it and if he really was serious about his pen pal, he would have already filed long ago and he would have jumped on a plane to her country and meet her.

I want to ask him to stop talking to her but he's stubborn and I don't think it would go over well.

He tried to end it on Valentine's day saying he was thinking about returning to me and she was ranting and carrying on about how could he chose me over her. If she was any type of decent woman at all, she would never be in an affair with a married man and she would have wanted him to completely end his marriage before getting involved.

I'm writing a lot about her this evening. Maybe it is just to remind myself it isn't real and it will end and she'll move on quickly to the next victim.

But then again, in the back of my mind, how do I know this is just a one off mid life crisis thing and that he wouldn't do the same thing to me 5 - 10 years down the road?

[blueskye]

I really hope that beyondblue will hosts get-together events in the future.

I would love to be friends with you! I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I really do.

You're not alone. You reached out to us and we are here for you.

Perhaps, learn how to drive? You can buy second-hand cars for cheap as well if you don't mind something that isn't flash. Once you can drive and have your own car, you will have more freedom. You can join meet-ups or do whatever you want 🙂

My dad cheating on mum after many years of marriage as well. I think my mum was in a similar boat to you. You're strong and worthy of love and everything. Remind him of why you two got married. Marriage /family counseling is a great idea, as pointed out by the others.

I hope you get through this ❤️ ❤️

[Donte]

Hello Pastapat,

You are posing some great questions here! It made me think: is an online 'relationship' or 'courtship' or 'flirt' or whatever we want to call it, real? Especially, if the other person involved is in another country with no prospect ever visiting here and meeting face to face and 'consummate' the affair? Is it even cheating? Or is it like porn? Or some other addiction...

Not sure. I had never had online relationships so can't comment on the 'realness' of such a situation. Maybe it's good that you don't mention it and don't let it worry you. Yes, it is immature and something you'd expect from high school kids, however, let's hope that your husband has some sense in him and he can see how impossible this situation is and that it's not going to eventuate in real life.

Maybe he's attracted to the idea that someone finds him irresistible, or pays attention. Who knows? We all need escapism from time to time.

Just remember: You (not her) are really here, with your husband drinking coffee, and chatting, and he indicates that he would like to be intimate with you (not her).

As legitimate as your question is though, the reality is nobody has any guarantees that their partner won't cheat or fall in love with someone else in the future. (It could also happen to you). The beauty of human beings and loving them is the unpredictability and that no matter how long we may be together, we truly really never know another. So, I'd enjoy the now, for we don't know anything about tomorrow and thus there is no purpose in worrying about it.

If you can forgive and forget and deal with the issues with the help of a professional then go ahead, but if you believe there is no salvation for this relationship then maybe it's time to move on...Whatever you decide there is support available for you and you are not alone.

There is also no right or wrong choice, just consequences.

You are the only one to weigh everything up and decide. X

[pastapat]

Hi blueskye and thanks for your kind words. It really does help. I've been thinking about getting a second hand car and wonder if I can find something decent for less than $5000? I had a car before but sold it when I went back to my home country. And you're right, it does give you a lot more freedom even for simple things like going to the shops when you want to.

[pastapat]

Hi Donte' and thanks again for your wise words.

You're right about the online "relationship". To me it's not real and something I would expect more from a young teen than people nearing 40. One time when I had a go at her.

To my husband, he acts like this is real and calls me his ex and her his girlfriend.

She claims she is coming here to visit him in a few months but I don't see how that is possible with Australia being so expensive and being very difficult for her to get a visa to come here.

You're also right I'm actually here with him living just a couple km apart. They chat on skype. Obviously not all is perfect with them if they are fighting and close to breaking up before they have even met. I will do my best to focus on living my life and becoming more social so I'm not sitting around being sad and obsessing about things.

When I see that he is more receptive, I will see if he will go to counselling with me.

[Donte]

That’s truly awesome Pastapat,

It seems you are very aware of the situation and have thought things through pretty well. Your mindfulness will keep you sane during times of emotional turmoil when feelings run rampant.

Take one tiny baby step at a time! X