How’s falling in love viewed in your culture?

[Donte]

Someone told me tonight that we fall in love with at least three people in our lifetime. That’s why most Christian denominations allow up to three marriages!

This made me think of the idea of love and particularly in terms of enhancing our wellbeing and mental health but also the aspects of love that could be detrimental and play a role in our demise.

There is a popular belief where I come from that the first love is the most powerful. It defines you, shapes you, changes you and impacts you forever. Songs, literature, art etc praise and glorify this youthful love. This Love happens at a young age and you eventually grow apart or call it quits over silly things. When you get older you may look back and think wow! What a love! Or you may look at it with your adult eyes decades later and feel that perhaps it wasn’t love at all. But it was probably love for what you knew love to be.

The Greeks have various words to describe different kinds of love. You see, they recognized from thousands of years ago that there are different depths of love and variety of expressions of each one.

The second love is meant to be the hard one. You get hurt in this one. This love teaches you lessons and makes you stronger. This love includes great pain, lies, betrayal, abuse, drama and damage. Most of our popular cultural is fixated on this type of love.

But this is the one where you grow. You realize what you love about love and what you don’t love about love. Now you know the difference between good and bad humans. Now you become careful, closed, cautious and considerate. You learn exactly what you want and don’t want. You learn to love yourself as a result.

The third love is one that comes blindly. No warning. It creeps on you silently. You don’t go looking for this love. It comes to you.

You can put up any wall you want, it will be broken down. You’ll find yourself caring about that person without trying. They look nothing like your usual crush types, but you get lost in their eyes daily. You see beauty in their imperfections. You hide nothing from them. You truly love them.

What’s your experience in the love department? Have those periods when you were in love affected your well-being in a positive way? How about falling out of love? What then? Is love enough? What is Love? What did you grow up believing? And do your experiences match those notions and beliefs?

[Quercus]

What a beautiful post Donte'.

How odd that it hasn't yet caused the stir of comments I had thought it would.

I think you've described the three loves perfectly. Especially the third. That is my husband for me. I was defensive, walls up, unwelcoming. And he patiently earned my trust and respect and love. Not by tearing my defences down and making me vulnerable but by scaling them and keeping me safe. He is without a doubt in my mind my final love.

I don't want to talk about the first love except to say it was undoubtedly influential. I have been trying to ease the scars and damage for a long time.

And yes, the second hurt more. And taught all of the things you mentioned. I think usually because after the first we think we know what we want and what love means to us. This love proved me very wrong.

What does that mean for my mental health? It means I need to accept I am human. Part of that is accepting I'll make mistakes. And when I think I've learned I'll make the same mistake again. And that's ok. Me being human doesn't mean I'm not worthy of being loved. I suppose as gets written on these forums a lot I need to be gentle and forgiving of myself.

Most of all for me regarding my mental health... Love means something to live for. Regardless of how down I feel and whether depression has me in its jaws I can choose to focus on the people who love me.

[Donte]

Thank you Quercus.

That’s so lovely. I’m glad you have experienced all three kinds of love. I have had the first two so far!

Love will find you no matter where you are. It’s beautiful when love transforms us and changes us giving us meaning, purpose and motivating us to look beyond our deficiencies and troubles.

My love for my daughter has kept me going during those tough dark years after my second partner died. And that fluffy little black thing she brought home! Five years later I look back and admittedly I’m not sure how I would have gone through and survive without them! X