'Sandwich' carers caught in the middle and expected to look after their elderly migrant parents and their dependent children simultaneously.

[Donte]

As many non-English speaking communities in Australia are ageing disproportionately to the rest of the population, (due to migrants from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds having arrived in waves, and having similar age), many Australian-born children of migrants find themselves in a caring role for their elderly parents while they may be simultaneously juggling home-life, work, relationships, raising their own children etc.

People in Australia today tend to live longer (on average 10+ years than in the 60’s according to ABS statistical data) which puts additional pressure on carers. On the other hand, it is also not uncommon nowadays for adult children to remain at home longer due to studies, cost of living, unemployment etc. or to return to the family home after the break-up of their relationships, loss of jobs, mental health issues etc.

This, at a time when many carers are faced with their own health, relationship, and financial challenges as they approach middle age. So, we have many people who belong to a generation of what we call ‘Sandwich Carers’ (those caught in the middle). Other carers are elderly and care for their spouse or a younger child with a disability or mental illness and live with the fear and anxiety of what’s going to happen to their loved ones once they die. No matter what the situation, caring for someone is an important topic worth our thought and discussion especially in the context of burnout and mental health impact as it is often expected in various communities.

Most carers provide unpaid assistance for family members or friends with care needs. They are parents, children, partners, other relatives and friends who assist with a variety of personal care, health care, transport, household and other activities. The majority do not identify themselves as ‘carers’. They just do what comes naturally or what is expected of them (particularly common within certain non-English speaking groups).

Many culturally and linguistically diverse carers do not access information, services and supports as it may not be culturally appropriate to seek help outside the home. Compared to paid care workers, carers are disadvantaged regarding health and safety, holidays, work, leisure and financial security.

What is your experience of caring within your own cultural group? I'd like to hear your stories and particularly in relation to the impact on your mental health.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’,

Fantastic thread topic 🙂

I must admit that I have never been a carer. I have never been responsible for taking care of either an ageing adult or child. So I’ve (clearly) no personal experience in this respect...

Although I have heard of the “sandwich” problem and how it puts immense strain and pressure on carers who have to juggle caring for 2 generations. While I imagine it can be rewarding, I also think it would be very stressful and have an enormous impact on a person’s mental health.

In my culture(s), it’s quite common for adults to care for both their ageing parents as well their own children. In fact, it’s almost expected...but the specifics of how this care is delivered largely depends on socioeconomic status (SES).

It’s very common in families of higher SES for adult offspring to make sure their ageing parents are well taken care of by hiring round-the-clock (and live-in) paid carers and attendants. Even if the ageing parent(s) move in with an adult child and his/her family, paid carers tend to still be hired in wealthier homes and perform most of the carer duties. Essentially, the role of the adult offspring is to give instructions and “oversee” the care performed by the paid carers.

This is how most of the ageing members of my extended family are taken care of...one of my late relatives had 3 round-the-clock (live-in) carers who were employed by her son, for example. Although she never moved in with any of her adult children. But they knew she was well taken care of by her 3 paid carers.

In families of lower SES, the carer duties also fall on the adult offspring except they wouldn’t be able to afford paid carers. The adult children would perform most of the carer duties (unlike in wealthier families where paid carers would do the bulk of it). So there is much greater strain and stress on families from lower SES...I suppose the one plus is the ageing parent(s) tends to receive more personalised care from loved ones in this instance.

Again, I feel this is such an important topic. Thanks for bringing it up 🙂

Pepper xoxo

[Donte]

Thank you Pepper for sharing common experiences that traditionally take place in your cultures.

Would be interesting to hear from others too and see how this may impact carers and families particularly in the area of mental health. It's good to explore the similarities as well as the differences and the impacts. Ageing is a universal experience, however, various cultural groups respond in particular ways that are common or acceptable within their community, but not among other communities.

In my country of origin too, the wealthier families can afford to hire external help whereas the majority of the families take it upon themselves to look after their elderly. This may sound lovely, idealistic and altruistic, however there are numerous hidden expectations, costs, neglect and abuse often lurking in the undercurrents...

[Guest_933]

Dear Donte''s,

I am the sole carer for my Father, he is the fourth family member I have nursed long term, I also have a Beautiful Daughter with additional needs, who I also care for at home. My wonderful Dad suffers from depression. He is a good man but cannot cope without me. I promised my Mother, as she was dying 20 years ago, that I would look after him. I was 30 years old with two small children and my husband had recently died of a brain tumour. My four siblings just assumed it would be me looking after Dad, as I had nursed Mum and My Husband. I am now 50, and suffer from carer related depression. Carers are not well supported in our society, no matter their cultural background, usually the responsibility falls on one person, this is the core problem. Financially, socially and intellectualIy, carers are disadvantage and forgotten. I will never abandon my Father but in hindsight, I should never have agreed to live with him in my home, I should have supported him in his home. I have sacrificed my life, I do not say this to be mean or bitter, my Father needed me but I should have protected my own life. I believe that we should be there for the ones we love but we must also protect our own mental health. Often carers are made to feel guilty if we wish to escape. We only want a break to refuel. I implore anyone who is thinking of caring for someone long term, to really think about yourself first. You are not letting your loved one down if you do not live with them, you can still help them independently. In some ways I am responsible for making Dad so dependent on me, I do feel trapped and my life is not rewarding. For people like me, who so easily fall into caring roles, please write a list of what you want from life, you are not being selfish. Finally, talk to the person you are caring for, do not make them feel like a burden, they are ill, frightened and desperate. Caring can be rewarding if the carer is valued, has respite and is respected, unfortunately so may carers are isolated, caught in a continuous tumble dryer and depressed. Whether you are the carer or the one being cared for, lets face it, we will all be both in our lives, remember that we are all in this together. Never judge yourself for feeling too much or feeling dark thoughts. I believe every person is valuable and should be respected, please hang in there, even if you feel lonely, everyone on this forum is thinking of you and sending you warm positive thoughts. Peace.

[Donte]

Dear Belle**,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this thread and share your lived experience of caring. What a beautiful and overwhelmingly challenging role - caring - is.

Thank you for the way you have expressed the realities of caring in your post. I am sure many will find it helpful and be able to relate also.

It is great to recognize our needs as individuals before we give everything to someone else. Often, carers don't choose to be in such predicament and their self and life is pushed aside in the face of the daily needs of the person they care for.

Your advice, based on your lived experience, is very valuable and hope it can help many.

Like the commonly known story goes: 'If you are in an emergency during a flight, put the mask on first, before you give it to your children and others. If you faint you won't be useful to anybody.' X

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and Belle,

Yes, I agree that it’s definitely worthwhile to discuss the similarities and differences between (and within) cultures because,as you said, ageing is universal...

It’s interesting (though unsurprising) to hear how wealth plays a role in how care is assigned/delegated in both our cultures. You’re right that there’s a lot more than meets the eye when it comes to care and while I’m sure it can be deeply rewarding for some people, I agree with you that it helps to not romanticise it too much either because it does come with many challenges. So a balanced view, yes...

Good to hear from you 🙂

Pepper xoxo