I want to be happy just once

[Lavenwin]

I'm eleven years old and I know there's a future for me out there, I just don't know what it is right now. In the future I could live a happy life with love and fortune, I could live a life of despair and accidents. I've been this way since about seven I believe. It hasn't been this bad before but at the age of ten things have worsened. Everyday I get so much pressure put on me by my parents, my friends, my sisters, everyone, to perform well because of my Taiwanese blood. Everybody expects me to do good and be successful, but no one really knows this, no one knows the pressure they put on me. It's my habit, whether it be bad or good, to never tell anyone about my problems. There's no one I trust or love enough to do that.

About my title now, ever since I was around six or seven I stopped. I stopped having the ability to try, to laugh, to truly be happy. The people around me can't see the change, after all I always put on a mask around others. I've never let anyone see the dark side of me, the negative side of me. Even if you people reading this do, you'll never know me in real so, what's the point? I let everyone see me as that person who's intelligent and focused but can become extremely goofy and friendly when you get close to me. But that's the thing. It's their reason why I'm like this. If they didn't exist, or I didn't exist, I never would have become like this. I've stopped being happy.

I've stopped living and just started surviving.

I don't remember what made me like this, there was no real reason I'm like this other than my negative way of thinking. Maybe I was born like this. Sometimes I forget how big this world is. Not just my life but billions of others living it. In that amount of people there are others like me. Maybe some are just like me. I like to think that, but the thing is I think so negatively that I never think of this until, until I don't know.

My whole life I have had one goal. To be able to accomplish my dreams. And my dreams are to be truly happy and to become an author. I stay up well into the night contemplating ways I could achieve the former with a few simple steps yet there are no methods I can think of. All I ever wanted was to find my safe haven not in crying and isolation, but rather the opposite, in the company of others and laughter. If I think about it, it'll never happen.

Thank you for hearing me out.

Also know that I do not want your consolation, I just want a solution. And my solution is getting this off my chest.

[Donte]

Hello Lavenwin,

Welcome to the multicultural experiences forum. Did I hear you saying you're eleven? WOW! What an amazing depth you have and what a great insight and awareness! I read your thread with such interest! Indeed, you are an author already! This is an amazing piece of expression indicating self-knowledge and ability to engage in ways that most adults are unable to!

I'm so glad that you are able to verbalise your feelings and to find the accurate words to describe such depth of emotion with so much clarity! What can I say? As a fifty year old I'm totally blown away!

I can also let you know that as a middle aged person, I still don't know what the future holds. I've just stopped worrying about that years ago and finally started concentrating in the Now. The only thing I have.

At the age of eleven you probably haven't started experiencing the overwhelming immense intensity of adolescence, so I believe things may get much worse before they get better. But you already know that.

All of us have felt pressure from our parents, teachers, peers, partners or bosses etc no matter what our cultural background. I haven't got a clue how it is for you being Taiwanese, but from what you are saying, for you it plays a role.

It is truly remarkable to have such clarity and understanding of yourself and others and your environment at such a young age!

Unfortunately, knowledge and awareness seldom bring happiness. The more we think, the more depressed we become it seems. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Just a great mind who seems to be much older and wiser than your chronological age.

Of course there are numerous people like you in this world. And in due course you will meet many of them. In time you'll find your true 'family'. The group that you can be yourself with and they'd get you, and you won't need to explain. And what an amazing time that would be!

I hear you saying that all of your life your goal is to accomplish your dreams and be happy, but you only have had eleven years so far, so even though this is your whole life, is really only a glimpse of the life that you'll have. I mean at fifty I still dream and have new goals. I wouldn't despair if I was you.

Been eleven is not easy. Been a teen is even harder.

I'm glad to hear that this forum provides you with the opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings. Please keep writing. You are a brilliant communicator and many will not only enjoy, but also benefit from your writings. X