Father’s Day.

[Donte]

Today in this country we celebrate Father’s Day. A special day when we honor our dads and for those who have them around perhaps spend time together, share a meal, buy a gift or send a card, a text maybe a call.

In my birth country Father’s Day is in June. I remember growing up making drawings for Dad or cards at school and later in my adolescence looking for the best after shave or other gift to get him. I always felt my efforts went unnoticed as I can’t remember doing even five things with my absent father.

In Australia, millions of children grow up without a father. As a teacher I was encouraging students in my class to prepare something for a significant person in their lives, in the absent of a father.

Nowdays I personally don’t bother at all anymore as my parents don’t live in Australia and we hardly have any communication. My daughter though is always excited to take me out for brunch or spend time with me on the day. It’s kinda cute. It really means more to her than it means to me. Reminds me how I felt as a kid, eager to get the approval my father never cared to give me.

Today I’d like to wish everyone a good day. Especially the multitudes of people who have lost their fathers or don’t talk to them anymore. I know days like these can be extra hard with all the hype and expectations.

If you are one of those people who either never met your dad or your experience has been a violent or abusive one, please he kind to yourself today.

We know that there is a lot of abuse and violence in families and children grow up in terrible environments. This doesn’t happen only in English-speaking communities but across the cultures.

Our parents and close relatives are mostly the perpetrators of family violence according to all evidence-based research and in some communities it’s harder to talk about it.

Culture, lack of English skills, not knowing where to get help and how to navigate the complex system, makes it almost impossible for many people to receive supports. It took me decades after arriving in this country to reach out and seek help and deal with my abandonment issues and childhood abuse and neglect.

If you feel there’s nothing to celebrate today, if you’re down, lonely, sad or bitter and angry - you are aloud. Your experience is real and matters. Please do the best you can to be with supports you have and/or don’t hesitate to call/chat with one of the Beyondblue Counsellors in total anonymity and confidentiality.

My thoughts are with all of you.

[Hayfa]

Thank you Donte for this very kind post to all our readers.
For those lucky enough to have their dad with them I hope it was a lovely day, for those who don't for whatever reason, I hope that the day was still good and as Donte' said, I hope you took time out to be kind to yourselves and reflect on what is beautiful and meaningful for you.

We will never have a perfect and care free existence.
I liken life to a journey, it may be a short or long one depending on the length of it, we will walk a road that has so many inroads to choose. Sometimes those paths will be smooth and a joy on our feet such as the smooth European cobblestone paths like those found in most parts of the Mediterranean, other times it may be rough with huge stones, uphill and lead to a mountain or a dead end in which you have to navigate your way out. We will bump into others along the way, they may be relatives or become new friends, they may be travelling the same path or choose other ones, we may lose them along the way.
The one thing that we share with others in our journey is the experience of getting there and the arrival to the destination.

Hayfa

[Donte]

So, my daughter after asking me what I want for father’s day bought me the perfume I like and a pair of much needed slippers (as my dog ate the old pair)...

All I wanted to say was ‘I just want Father’s Day to not exist darling’, but of course here we are with no choice in the matter so we dance along to the music society imposes.

When the parcel with the slippers arrived they were a bit tight so we returned them. The new pair arrived tonight. Again, I didn’t find them too comfortable and we started looking online for a pair that has the heel enclosed rather than a slipper. At that point I realized these things cost $260!!! No way I could accept this! (I have a huge issue accepting gifts in the first place and it goes back to my dysfunctional, abusive childhood), but this ridiculous price for just taking the dog down at night to poo cannot be justified in my mind. It could be my migrant roots or my culture or just that I hate wasting money but I couldn’t accept this gift. I told my daughter to return them and keep the money. I’m happy to buy a cheap no brand pair with artificial wool. All I want is some slippers to wear when I take the rubbish down or the dog for pee at midnight. They don’t need to be a brand (I never cared about names).

I told her a story about when I was her age and wanted to take my grandparents to a burger joint that I loved. They hadn’t tried burgers before and they seldom went out. But when the time came they were worried about the cost. They had told me they’d prefer to buy mince and cook them at home! I was devastated, I remember. Felt rejected. Didn’t care about Home-made burgers. Didn’t care about the money. All I wanted was to eat out! With them!

I hope she’s not feeling like I did back then; that I’ve rejected her gift or that I don’t love her. It’s just crazy. And unnecessary. That’s all. And now that I’m middle aged I can understand my grandparent’s perspective but I also know where my girl is coming from.

She finally decided to give them to her boyfriend instead and not return them. That made me feel dreadful. I know he doesn’t deserve them and I don’t want her spending money on him. They were not meant for him in the first place. However, she’s an adult. I have no say. It’s her money. It’s her choice. And I’ve made mine...

Off to Kmart tomorrow for some cheap and nasty pair that I can try on and feel happy with and without the guilt when my dog eats them up and tears them to pieces in a week’s time...

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and Hayfa,

I’m very late to this thread but thank you for sharing such a beautiful and inclusive post that acknowledges how Father’s Day can mean different things for different people...

For one of my friends who lost his dad when he was 6 years old, Father’s Day is an annual painful reminder of the loss...he finds the day really difficult. Even though I doubt he has seen (or will see) this post, I feel he would appreciate you saying that it’s okay to feel happy, sad, angry or whatever other emotion the day elicits...

Pepper xoxo

[Donte]

If your ever lost, or in a dark place in your head. Just listen to the click of the sticks and think to yourself, I’ve come this far already, you’ve came this far. And for you to be listening to this in sorrow and agony, is precious.

We as humans express feelings in many odd ways. It’s okay to be sad, mad, angry, awake or asleep. Life as we know it, can be felt through sounds and sighs. Just as you all know. Please enjoy this, and just know, I’m here for you. I can hear your cries, but I do not cheer them on. I just want to mop it all up.

[Peppermintbach]

That was beautiful.

Thank you, Donte’ 🙂

Pepper xoxo

[Suet suet]

Hi Donte,
Thanks for sharing your experience on this day. I understand what you have just said. I am pretty much on the same page- don’t bother.

Although I am not a father (I am a mother of 2), I feel a little bit annoyed every year with what my children ask for and do at school. Teachers are working hard trying to get the children involved with the loads of activities and make something ‘special’ to bring home to their fathers. They do crafts, father’s day stall etc trying to sell some stuffs. indeed i doubt how much the children understand what this day means! They see it more like a fun event to buy things for themselves. I am not impressed. I am hesitant to participate their events

Social media and the like heavily advertise their products / services every year prior the actual day to boost up their sale. What does that mean to me or my husband!? It’s more of a commercial event. We don’t feel anyway!

I grew up from a family where my parents never ever celebrated anything including birthday. I don’t remember we ever did anything for Father’s Day when I was in schools. So with my childhood upbringing that way, it’s hard to convince myself that it’s something special to celebrate. Honestly not even mother’s day.

I got though a little bit of peer pressure these days coming from my colleagues and friends. Because I don’t celebrate, they feel i am weird and boring. Do I have to follow the trend ??! Or perhaps it’s Just the cultural way?!

Suet suet

[james1]

Hello suet suet,

I totally understand what you mean.

At school, we'd always do a weird mother's day stall (interestingly we never did fathers day...) and I don't think mum really cared for it, nor did it ever mean anything to me. It was like being told by our teachers to give our mum a present, just because... no reason.

Anyway, I am not sure if that's because of our upbringing or because the event itself is not done right...but whatever it is, it feels very fake.

Thanks for sharing your own experiences. I am not sure what the right thing to do is, but I don't follow the trend and I just do it my own way. If other people judge me, that's their issue and not mine. I end up $10 richer, my mum doesn't have to throw out another card and another set of flowers, and the environment is also happier for it!

James

[james1]

p.s. I do value what our parents do for us. I just feel like kids buying cupcakes made by someone else's parent (most likely someone else's mother, back when I was in school), or some other miscellaneous craft item, was probably not the most amazing way to properly say thank you to family!