'Do I look big in these?' - Body image, cultural conditioning, peer-pressure and mental and emotional well being.

[Donte]

Everywhere I look today there is a gym, an exercise class, a dance/fitness session; people running, power walking, playing sport, dieting etc. Countless hours at the gym are invested in achieving the perfect body. Fat is considered a medical disability and the body image issues in our society are wildly out of control.

We have objectified the human physique to the point that many feel that they aren't worthy of a relationship unless they have at least tried to improve their bodies. Sex is mostly portrayed as something of a beauty pageant and less an intimate connection of lovemaking and fellowship. In short, it's all about the body.

In the midst of our obesity epidemic (what a paradox), many see their bodies through the lens of future attainments. By this I mean that they try to tolerate their current body because they hold the belief that in a few months or years, it will be much improved. I have a brother who is at the gym daily. I have an ex wife who is on a permanent dieting regime. I am surrounded by coworkers, neighbors and friends who never actually accept their body as it is in the present moment..."I need to lose this layer of fat so my abs will show", or "When summer comes, I will be in top shape for the beach."

No matter what the body type, there's always some other image to aspire to.

Accepting your body in the present moment isn't about not having fitness goals. It's about loving who you are and how you look right now, no matter what changes you might make in the future. It's about knowing that making changes in your body is a worthwhile hobby, but it isn't going to make you more desirable or loveable.

I grew up in a country where naked statues and paintings of hot, chiseled bodies were everywhere. Nudity and perfection has been depicted in our art and praised in our literature for thousands of years.

Today, it seems, not much has changed!

Sure, a really hot body will get you noticed and probably even a date or two. But at the end of the day, it isn't part of the equation of an emotionally satisfying relationship. Look around and notice that people with amazing bodies don't have more successful relationships.

There is a problem that plagues our culture: a persistent inability to accept our bodies and the ageing process. This could be a reflection of our internal shame. We are trying to make ourselves more acceptable and less flawed, less shameful.

Body acceptance is an important part of developing authenticity and enjoying intimacy.

[Donte]

It’s true that with the technological and medical/scientific advances, today men and women have so many more options to the betterment of their external appearance.

I have an auntie in her 70s who has done so much work done on her face that she looks younger than her middle-aged daughter.

A friend of mine who has always being obese looked skinnier than me (and I’m small-framed), when I saw him last a decade ago. - He had done liposuction and lost 120kgs! His wife had a breast increase, nose job, lip fillers and eyes/eyebrows lifted.

It is not uncommon for men and women to tan, whiten their teeth, get implants, dye their hair, have plastic surgery and/or Botox etc.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to look younger and prettier.

As societies become more affluent with more disposable income due to dual-income households, many, especially empty-nesters find themselves in a position where they can spend more than ever on their appearance. -Children are gone, mortgages are paid, more leisure time can be available to them and more time to look in the mirror and indulge in beauty and cosmetic treatments not easily accessible in the past.

What are your thoughts on this subject? Is it in your opinion, mentally healthy to lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we are as attractive now as we were when we were young and beautifully fit? (If ever was a time that we were).

The standard of beauty is what it is for many reasons; but whatever those reasons are, the standard is real and not something you can change just by declaring it null and void.

We may lie to ourselves and say we are as beautiful as anyone else, and people who love us dearly will probably agree with us...

When my partner was in his deathbed he was 38kgs yet I would look at his skeletal body and all I could see was beauty in the spark of his blue eyes. (The only part left unchanged).

‘We are all beautiful on the inside’, I remember him saying while lifting his tiny skeletal arm up in the air and examining it as if it didn’t belong to him.

The reality is I was treated very differently when I was younger, fit and beautiful than how I am now.

I think that it is insane to look at that fact and say to myself, "hmmmmm, all of these people are treating me differently; even though I am the common denominator between them, I am sure it is all them and nothing to do with me." It has everything to do with me and how I look right now.

That is just a sad fact of life. Aging and decay is unavoidable.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ (and a wave to all),

I found your post honest and insightful. While I feel that inner beauty is important, I also agree with you that, to varying extents, we are sometimes judged for our appearance.

That said, the people we truly love will always be beautiful in our eyes...like your beloved and cherished partner. He was and will always be beautiful to you...

Ultimately, my thoughts can be summed up as just for each of us to do what makes us feel happy and more confident. So if a person finds, for example, getting liposuction, surgery, etc helps him/her to feel more confident then why not?

Thanks for reading 🙂

Pepper xoxo

[Donte]

Hello Pepper,

Thank you for summing up your thoughts on this topic.

I agree with you. If it helps the person feel good about themselves and if it improves their health (physical or mental, emotional etc) then why not? All these methods are here for this reason and today we have more than ever options that are safe, affordable and successful.

My initial thoughts were in regards to low-self esteem and feeling rejected or unable to fit in or feel ‘normal’ and accepted or desirable because of your external looks and the pressure society and media puts on us to look certain ways. Also, our unhealthy obsession with youthfulness and our collective preoccupation with it, and the fear of aging and death.

So I guess, depending on why we are doing what we are doing plays a big role. X

[GoodWitch]

Hi Donte and everyone,

What an interesting discussion. I've run the gauntlet in my life through being a tom boyish kid with no awareness of my body really, to being told by my mostly overweight family members that 'all the girls in our family get big', and then spending my teen years hating my developing body because it couldn't do all those tom boyish things anymore (I had an over supply in the chest area and if I tried to run I got laughed at so I stopped). I tried not to follow the family path into obesity (to be fair they all seem quite happily overweight, but I got a different view from my peers, that being fat would get me bullied and ostracised), but to resist this it took constant dieting, then I'd binge because I was so hungry, and hate myself and think I was fat when I actually wasn't. That kind of self-hatred is exhausting.

Like Quirky it was only when I had children that my attitude toward my body became more accepting. When I was pregnant it was the first time since childhood I was able to eat without guilt because I was supposed to gain weight! After the kids I've lost the baby weight a couple of times, I ultimately have put it all back on because I just love my pasta and potatoes lol. At the age of 47, when I'm the heaviest I've ever been, I think I've accepted my body. No i don't 'love' it exactly, but I do appreciate it and I LOVE not hating every morsel of food I put into my mouth.

As for botox, plastic surgery etc. I agree that whatever makes a person happy is great, but does it really? I see some people having more and more procedures until they don't look natural anymore and that seems more like self-loathing (maybe that's my former self-loathing self talking). I hear of girls as young as 18 getting fillers etc and I understand why it but it makes me sad. I feel like society should be more accepting of all shapes, sizes and looks, rather than every individual being forced to conform to an impossible standard. I feel like that's unhealthy. I also wish people looked past someone's facade more often and considered the person underneath and their value, instead of thinking 'he/she isn't hot/thin' and dismissing them.

interesting topic, thanks

GW

[Donte]

Hello GoodWitch,

Thanks for your post. It's good to be comfortable in our own body. It's even better to not give a damn about what others think. I always think that unless someone sleeps with me, or feeds me, or pays me, their opinion is irrelevant.

I have a friend who is only in his 30s and yet the amount of surgery and botox he's done would make Joan Collins or Joan Rivers cringe!

Sometimes I wish I had the energy and the interest, the reason to look good. But I don't so that's not my experience and neither my reality. X

[Donte]

Days to come stand in front of us
like a row of lighted candles—
golden, warm, and vivid candles.
Days gone by fall behind us,
a gloomy line of snuffed-out candles;
the nearest are smoking still,
cold, melted, and bent.
I don’t want to look at them: their shape saddens me,
and it saddens me to remember their original light.
I look ahead at my lighted candles.
I don’t want to turn for fear of seeing, terrified,
how quickly that dark line gets longer,
how quickly the snuffed-out candles proliferate.

Translated by Edmund Keeley/Philip Sherrard
(C.P. Cavafy, Collected Poems. Translated by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard. Edited by George Savidis. Revised Edition. Princeton University Press, 1992)

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and all,

No worries at all and thank you 🙂

I have little to add to this topic right this minute but it’s been great reading everyone else’s comments.

Keep up the great work everyone!

Pepper xoxo

[Donte]

"Stop running after waves. Let the sea come to you."

--Elif Shafak

[Donte]

What is attractiveness, and what is one really doing when they desire another person?

We live in a society where people follow around the attractive. But what really is this beauty that people are attracted to?

When one views an attractive person, is what we are really feeling a desire to possess that person? Does their attractiveness create in us a drive to become as attractive as the person whose beauty we admire, or to mate with those that we are attracted to?

Perhaps when one views beauty, one is subconsciously fooled that one can attain beauty, or one can attain an extremely attractive mate.

It is clear that we live in a culture where people are obsessed with their self image.

We live in the Age of the Selfie. It could be that because of this increase in desire to possess or become, people feel that receiving validation from their fellow peers will confirm in them this desire to become or possess that they perceive in others, even though this superficial desire is often unfulfilled, and those who appear beautiful may not really, truly be happy themselves.

What is it when one admires beauty, and simply wishes to become beautiful? What is it that defines beauty?

Perhaps there is an inherent drive towards the attractive in one’s biological drive because the healthy are evolutionally the best to mate with.

However, obviously this drive is skewed. One cannot simply be attracted through the evolutionary drive to procreate with the most fertile with the healthiest genes, because then otherwise there wouldn't be people who are attracted to the fat, the old, the disabled etc.

Even though this is not what the majority of people find attractive, there is of course always the exception. This is either an evolutionary fluke, or it serves some evolutionary purpose. It would seem at first glance, that for the majority of the population, those who benefit from the highest level of fitness to survive in nature have the most evolutionally benefit.

Why a perfectly symmetrical face is evolutionally attractive, I cannot say. However, skin health could represent health, as well as a firm, toned bum.

Obviously if one is overweight, then there is more propensity towards being unhealthy, and perhaps this could be why obesity doesn’t usually come across as an ideal beauty. I can go no further in my speculations.

There is only so much I can infer about what "attractiveness" is, and why it is evolutionally beneficial.

What are your thoughts on this?

[Peppermintbach]

Great post 🙂 will be back at a later point to reply.

Thanks Donte’!

Pepper xoxo