CPTSD - is the way out?

[Vero]

I have been most definitely more lucky in life than unlucky.
My background

Abuse, abandonment, traumas and some horrific fights but had a personality of a fighter, overcomer, driven, achieve and make difference for others. Received years of psych assistance and still depending on a regular contact with a very good and dependable psych. Have a loving and supportive husband, children and 2 special ptsd dogs. 4 years ago I took sabbatical to confront general and mental health issues. 2 years ago I started easing into work activities again but this time setting a new business. I had businesses before but unlike then this time I did not have any time constraints and good financial support = lots of fun. I have overcome suicidal thoughts. This coincided with restoration of my health after years of veganism. I have studied Tai Chi, Reiki, tapping and spirituality with remarkable teachers and expended their teachings taking myself further in knowledge, understanding, practice and experiences. I would love to have a sip of wine or take medication to ease the pain, terror, flashbacks, anxiety and despair but I cannot. Having sense of control is very important to me and I see triumph is in resolving the issues, not applying the Band-Aid. I can make friends easily but I loose them as quickly. Small talk is a hard work for me and I get enjoyment from the subtlest things so too much festivity paralyses me. I am alone which is paradoxically awful and sweet at the same time. I used to believe understanding of abusers would make a significant difference. It doesn’t. I used to think securing apologies from perpetrators would make a difference. It doesn’t. I used to think they punishment would be satisfying. It is not.
The “night terrors”, triggers are always inside me waiting to be released in a crisis situation, take over. I see no way of overprinting the memories and thus altering the chain of reaction – Or addressing it from the other way around effectively. I used to burry myself in work to push this feeling away. It does not go away.
My point
No matter how much effort I put in logical self-argument, thought control and other “tricks of the trade”, I cannot stop, or disarm the low perception of self, my feeling of inadequacy, not belonging, not enough, being ballast to those around me. I feel being somewhat functional is the only outcome one can really hope for CPSTD. But being “functional” of today is more limited than being “functional” of yesterday.

[Croix]

Dear Vero~

You sound a strong and realistic person and have done an awful lot to improve your condition and regain peace. Everything from Tai Chi to the dogs. Having a husband that loves you - which says as much about you as him. Taking time out as needed and realizing the futility of payback or trying to understand those that hurt you. I have a couple I continue to hate, but only when I think about them, which is blessedly now not often.

I admire you for all you have done and am happy for you that you have the family you do. Please excuse me if I'm not sure I entirely agree with a couple of things you have said though.

I've had PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression for a very long time but have more or less stabilized and over time have found the symptoms, particularly those about past events, have quietened down a very great deal. They are manageable now. A year or so ago another event from the past impacted on me, but I could endure it and now it is unpleasant to think about but does not rule.

I'm saying as time goes on - at least for me - I've felt better about myself, realize I make a contribution and and am more capable than I thought. Please take a pinch of hope from my experience.

The other thing is medications. I've relied upon them and will continue to do so. No side effects and no tolerance issues. I do not see it as a defeat, or a lack in myself to have to take them. They simply are necessary. I'll admit that it took along time to find the right ones, and in the past until I came to this regime they were not satisfactory

I do agree about logic and self-argument, got me nowhere.

Croix

[Vero]

Hi Croix, thank you for your reply. I am very pleased to hear your experiences with ptsd symptoms have stabilised and no longer an issue. Kind of hope for me except what I deal with is interconnected to my sense of self worth on so many fronts. Was it the same for you? I have built my sense of self worth on my professional standing and applied perfection to everything I have done. Standards used to be punishingly high in everything. I have worked very hard to to relax this at home and for the past 4 years I feel comfortable “wasting”my time watching movies. The sense of guilt of ineffective time continues but not as pronounced. I have a profession that is very demanding and has a high level of unpredictability of the results. When things go south and they can in a fraction of a second I am loosing my humanity, sense of self worth and self image. Mentally I can see this is coming from my decision as a 9 years old to raise myself. Schooling and achieving in a public eye was what the 9 years old saw as a way of self-mothering, getting some sense of self worth and being a part of human tribe. I have achieved professionally and in hind side it was bc I have mastered control that delivered desirable results. My job depends on control. There is no way I can relax and ease this approach. This is an example where solution becomes a problem. Try to remove the problem I will end up removing self. My panic attacs, etc are symptoms of deep fear of rejection, mistreatment, abuse, being less. I envy you for the ability to utilise medication. One of the valuable things I have learnt from my psych is to validate and respect my own instinct. This one is very strong on me taking anything else than occasional paracetamol. Alternative could have made it easier but again easier was never a safe option for me. And again behind much of my traumatic experiences is lack of control by other people, some due to alcoholism and medications. Are you there yet?

[Croix]

Dear Vero~

Am I there yet? If you mean have I recovered then the answer is I've probably got as far as I'm going, but that's OK. If you mean do I understand what you are saying- then yes very much so

Control is a priority and comes out like you in many ways including not drinking. While I'm not advocating medications for all I can only say for me meds is a form of control, I'm dealing with a recalcitrant mind by altering its "chemical?" balance. The same applies to movies, books etc. They are instances of my control prescribing things necessary for balance - still enjoyable but without the aura of selfishness

Please don't think I'm criticizing or even saying what I do would fit anyone else, I only (sometimes) know me. We are all different

I do think your psych is wise to acknowledge the importance of your instincts, from what you say it is why you have reached the place you are at today. I guess it also means when you do something you are validation yourself

I'm probably only suggesting something you already know but I've found the free smartphone app Smiling Mind of benefit. I'm not good (read hopeless) at meditation or mindfulness and this app does steer and concentrate my thoughts away from whatever hassle I'm dealing with - including nightmares. It takes practice and I'm not completely there, but it is a help. The prospect of having it ready for use, knowing it is a help, is a help in itself. Do you have anything like that?

Being in control at home, which maybe part of what you mean by relaxing standards at home (my apologies if I misunderstand) is something I too had to learn. Before I became ill I saw myself as having the brunt of responsibility, something inculcated into me in my youth in a different age. That came to an end when I became incapable. I learned to rely upon my partner as someone at least as strong and capable as I was, and probably more so. It's made for a better less stressful balance now

You asked about building my sense of self worth on my professional standing. A bit ironic realy. Yes as a policeman my whole life revolved around my occupation - it was me. When invalided out the results were to say the least unfortunate:) I have not really learned the lesson and still become what I do, the way I'm built I guess

I've talked an awful lot about me in this post, mainly to try to give little snippets of hope as I regard myself as a success story

What ideas do you have for halting that lessening functionality?

Croix

[Vero]

Hi Croix, thank you for your reply and your candid recollections of your experiences. It helps to hear those snippets.

Also thank you for the suggestions of an app and meditation. I have done a lot of different meditations but at the moment for me they resolve nothing. I stopped using my mobile - interrupts my day and demands attention. However I will keep both options in my mind. I have found this site yesterday and thought to give a go. Reading other people comments and writing actually helps. Until now I felt very isolated in my experiences but now I feel I am actually fitting in with ease. That is a very positive and uplifting feeling. Writing about self allows me to focus on aspects of my life I normally don’t discuss. And reading other people posts provides insides into their solutions. On reflection I am very positively surprised by this format of therapy.

Current crisis is slowly subsiding and I am regaining my dignity again. I know in a few days I will be able to think clearly and review my situation to arrive at some action plan.

[Croix]

Dear Vero~

For some reason I can't see you as other than dignified. I'm glad you are finding this place of use, it can be unexpected. A feeling of no longer being alone is a great thing. While partners, children and other family can supply love, companionship and care, finding people that have similar experiences, or close enough to speak the same 'language', makes a world of difference.

I noticed before you have two dogs. Do you find their presence a comfort? I find pets are, and also promote activity and exercise.

If you did not mind I would be interested to know what you have found has helped as your life has progressed. While I suspect I have plateaued I'm always hopeful:)

Croix

[Vero]

Hi Croix, good to hear from you again.

Platau is a good place to be. It is a moment of bliss. A bit like the stillness between exhalation and inhalation. This stillness is when chi is assimilated into the body making it stronger. (some traditions see the pause as a moment of perfect balance between inhalation = feminine and exhalation = masculine.)

Getting a dog was hoped to help with the therapy in several ways: provide companionship and counter the trauma of being asked to kill my dog as a child. It turned out to be much more. As I have spent 24/7 with a puppy “glued” to me and watched him grow, I took an immense pleasure seeing how the peaceful, caring and loving environment shaped his character. He emanates calmness, stability, self assurance, dignity. He approaches me in my moments of crisis and create an effective distraction but also a wonderful contrast to my emotional state. He also gets me out walking. He is not an usual assistance dog breed like a Labrador. He is a small bread with a longish life expectancy and a happy outlook. The unexpected downside is I don’t like to part from him and doing so makes me anxious. Second dog, same breed, is only 12 months old and did not get the same training. Sweet but a very different character, needing reassurance a lot. She came from a very big kennel and at older age than the first dog. Resulting it was somewhat more difficult for her to relax, lay on her back, being touched, eat slowly, etc. both dogs are great together and watching them play never gets old.

For me everything in a therapy toolbox has a place but perhaps not all the time. The most essential aspect of recovery was being in a safe and loving environment, being important to someone (although I find very hard to accept I could be important) and despite my vulnerabilities. I had number of psychs over the years, good once accelerated the process for me. The most confronting therapy was recording my monologue about my experiences and then listening to it. This forum is probably one of the most surprising therapy. What was it like for you?

[Donte]

Welcome Vero to this Multicultural experiences forum.

It’s nice to have you here.

Thank you for sharing your story and the challenges as well as the ‘successes’ in living with CPTSD. I’m sure many can relate.

Hopefully it can be somewhat relieving sharing and engaging with others.

You seem to have done so much towards your recovery mindset and that is very encouraging for others in similar situations.

Your statement about ‘functionality’ resonates with me. I always thought as long as I can function I’m doing good. But of course we all know that this is the minimum requirement. It is also about quality of life and health and recovery.

Your closing statement really hit home: ‘But being “functional” of today is more limited than being “functional” of yesterday’. This is such a beautiful way to describe the ‘decline’ which we all experience with age and despite our mental illness.

It is inevitable it seems that life is a constant battle of adjustment and change.

I try to go with the flow as much as I can and other times I just create my own flow, but it’s true: my level of ‘functionslity’ Is not always the same but rather ‘episodic’.

Perhaps the key is in accepting that truth and living accordingly. X

[Donte]

Hi Vero, (and Croix),

I’m delighted to hear that you have found some healing through your dogs.

Indeed, they connect with us and we with them at such a deep and meaningful level. They bring us to the now and ground us and demand our attention to be diverted to whatever is at hand right now.

My dog truly rescued me from a very dark place after loosing my partner five years ago. The new purpose and meaning he has provided me and the amazing lifestyle changes and work adjustments have been only positive.

I don’t know where I’d be in my recovery journey without a dog. X

[Vero]

Hi Croix and Donte,

thank you so much for your replies. I appreciate them greatly.

i have spent past week calming down, reading other posts on the forum and planning on how to move forward. My most recent melt down was unexpected and despite all the work I have done to date. I have decided to focus on resolving this issue: 1) work towards changing my career, 2) have a better understanding of the anatomy of my triggers, and 3) try exposure therapy.

i will keep this thread as a journal. I am regularly seeing a psychologist but I value your comments and insights. Thank you