This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Hello all

Does anyone get mad at themselves for silly mistakes like getting the wrong bus or accidentally losing a lot of writing on the computer??\My tool is to laugh at myself but at times it is laughing through tears.

Any ideas??

Quirky

[asdff]

Quirky always angry about making mistakes. Pysch thinks I am a perfectionist, however I some things don't have to be perfect. So things don't bother me that would bother other people. Like, I don't have to walk out of the house with perfect clothes. Looking all put together. That is not how I roll. I am more low maintenance. My brother on the other hand. Is more the male model. Has to have the whole outfit put together. Even if it's gym attire/casual wear. Back to mistakes. I get upset/angry about silly mistakes that I should (HA HA) let's come back to that word. I should have known better like a scratch on the car. That will really irk me. Or if I have forgotten to pick something up, you know something on the shopping list. However, you left the shopping list at home.

Now back to the word should. There was a lot of talk about should in yesterday's session. My pysch loves to draw my attention to should as I am a hard taskmaster. Not to my friends, sometimes my family. Like the way my son carried on with getting out of sport training on Tuesday evening. Pysch thinks I am behaving in the manner that I HATED in my Dad; making me do things. I NEVER spoke out about it, we have had many pysch sessions about him making me do things. I didn't want to do. Pysch wanted to draw my attention to my behaviour. EEEEEkkkkkk who would want their child/ren to be in pysch sessions in future years talking about their parent's behaviiour. So I have to become more accepting. Not forceful. I am not forceful, I just have high expectations. It's bizzare as my Mum is so kind, cuddly, accepting, loving. Dad nope. Not quite total oppositebut a VERY hard taskmaster. So now I guess I have to make a conscious effort to be more like Mum.

[velvetfaerie]

Of course. I ride myself pretty hard. I am a perfectionist. It is kind of silly, because everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. If they say they are they're lying. I m like you, usually I laugh it off, sometimes, depending on my frame of mind I just cry.

Pretty blue today. Been wondering about things. Body image issues and all things related to that, (exercise, food, etc). Friends. Literally none make the effort be it text, call, coffee..... 100% it is me chasing and maintaining friendships and interactions. I feel completely unwanted, unvalued, unattractive, just a pointless skin bag. Until they want something they know I have - tip passes the current shining example. Even some stuff at home has me upset.

I know happiness is a from within thing, sometimes the way others treat me makes me forget that.

Humans - more virus than c-19 ! 😕

[quirkywords]

Hello all

Velvet maybe like me you over think things. I see you as strong and fit and clever.

I am opposite of perfectionist I have a go and offer it is just an attempt. Asdff I can relate to not talking about a matter but then it eats away at you but I would remain silent than maybe upsetting others.

Quirky

[asdff]

Oh yes Quirky. There was an incident recently with in laws. I said what I wanted no one agreed with my way of thinking. In fact they cut me off ebfore I could get my whole point across. That irked me. I got half way through my point, got cut off/disagreed with. So I just shut up. It was like two against one. When if they would have let me finish. They might have seen where I was coming from. I have told pysch about it and she seems to agree with me. I don't think it was a case of my black and white thinking.Sometimes it's easier to just stay with your own thoughts not share them, as you fear being attacked.

[quirkywords]

asdff my problem is when I am continually put down and keep apologising I feel like a doormat. If I speak up on a rare occasion there is so much anger i say sorry and become a doormat!!

[velvetfaerie]

People have no right to make others feel like poo. Bullies need to work on their own self esteem instead of bolstering it by making others feel bad about themselves. GRR.

Normal adults would discuss and listen and weigh up the information. Seems these days people are so blinded by their own self importance! Teamworks gets stuff done, not entitled arrogance.

YAY IT IS FRIDAY !

V.

[quirkywords]

hello you great people who are so supportive,

I feel when some people get angry instead of looking at why they take it out on others. Not fair.

I know I can be annoying but I dont deserve to be called names, no one does!!

[Airies]

Perfectionist with some things.mtend to hyper focus when doing things. Son says I tend to overthink things , he's right. Special birthday for my wife today. Great to see my rock, smiling, laughing and deservingly enjoying herself. Managed a walk but can't stop eating 😞

[velvetfaerie]

Quirky, I picture you as a very caring loving .... older lady. A mum. A demographic who only deserves kindness.

I either cannot focus or hyper focus.

Happy birthday Mrs Airies !

V.