This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[white knight]

Hi Sherie

You have a good memory

For those unaware we travelled with long time friends to Rambo outback Qld where I had a cracked drawbar on our homebuilt caravan. Our friends had a small bus and appeared OK about the 3 hour delay but unbeknown to us the male held a grudge. From then on each time we drove from a location he'd steam ahead. This puzzled us.

Outside Katherine they went ahead at can area where there was no mobile range. We broke down. We were delayed a week in hot weather waiting for repairs. We finally caught up with them in Broome and I questioned him why we were abandoned in the outback. He revealed he was angry over our drawbar breaking.

Funny enough, at Barkley Homestead on the Qld/NT border his bus needed repairs and had he needed a 7 hour return journey to Tenney Ck I told him I'd take him. I fixed his bus.

We left them in Broome. We haven't seen them since. My wife's 20 year friendship with his wife is likely finished.

We've moved on but it hurt and that one week in Katherine was a mental challenge. It tested me.

We have our foxy Miss Rosie with us. She warns us of animals ahead. We built a seat between us so she sits high. With a harness if course. We don't go anywhere without her. She's brought us so much joy.

I have depression dysthymia (constant low mood depression) and bipolar type 2. The bipolar ups and downs have been getting progressively worse. Its hard in my wife who incidentally has depression also.

We've found that both of us can snap at the other more often than other couples. We hence need to apologise more often. Overall it works but its sad knowing you've upset you partner with outbursts that you don't intend.

This whole struggle can drag you down resulting in low self esteem. Its a "flip flop" life. When you feel good you dont think you'll ever feel bad again, then it comes out if the blue...wham.

This also happens with friendships. They, unlike my loving wife, get tired if the apologies. So sometimes I just offer an olive branch by opening up conversations. At the time when I'm annoyed I can severe friendships then full of regret. This can happen on forums to. For me its as heartbreaking as it us for the other person.

I wish I was stable but my wife always tells me I'm much more easier to live with since 2009 when I started on mood stabilisers.

That's a positive. The other positive is my handsomeness....lol

[Airies]

Kazzl,

love your descriptions and this thread. Type 1 bipolar here. Years ago diagnosed with ADHD and depression. Received cousellng and meds.20 odd years of highs and lows followed. Totally irrational behaviour at times, doing everything at 100 miles an hour. Our world is completely different to normal people. The past year has been challenging to say the least.

Psych admissions , various meds, ECT treatment, hospital admissions for physical ailments , some really dark dark places, nightmares and hellish experiences. Im still here thanks to good fortune, luck, supportive family, meds are working and shining a light in a different direction in a dark room.its only in the past fortnight that I'm managing to sleep through for the first time in a year.Any minor dip for me can be drastic. I don't make too many plans. I try and get through each day.its getting a bit easier, I accept I'm different, life will be full of ups and downs. I'm learning to do moderate for the first time in my life and will be doing DBT in the near future.Its great to find others here:)

[Airies]

Hi Kazzl,

probably a dumb question how did you find the support group in Canberra?

Find journaling my thoughts in a mood diary beneficial. Weeks in a elevated state , increased anxiety and irratibili try , requiring 12-15 sleep, teeth grinding after months of being in a scary scary place.im doing ok at the moment, being kind to yourself, accepting my mistakes and laughing at myself. I liken it to a big balloon full of wind and the air and preassure slowly releasing. It's 12:07 a.m here. This is the latest I've stayed up in a year.

Another positive step. One day at a time.

[Kazzl]

Hi Igbran - thanks for posting here mate, I really appreciate it. Yes we are different ... I'm still learning, but I can see the differences so clearly now that I realise not everyone thinks and feels or reacts like me or does what I do. Don't know how I could have been so unaware for so long. Sigh.

I'm learning to stop making plans (or at least so many big ones) and to try and make my world 'smaller' if you know what I mean. Focus more on the here and now. Moderate is a good word.

I'm really glad to hear your sleeping through. It's a great healer sleep, and in my case devastating if I don't get enough.

I'm finding my mood diary useful too - I'm still rapid cycling while the medication kicks in, so it's useful to track the cycles.

Re the support group, I just googled bipolar support group Canberra and found it. I hope there's one in your area - I have found it really helpful, especially to be with people you don't have to try and explain it to.

Cheers Igbran - hope to chat again soon.

Kaz

[white knight]

Hi again everyone

I also don't make solid plans. Eg we are nearly finished our caravanning around oz. If we book into a caravan park we do so only on a daily basis. That way we can pull up stumps anytime and go without losing money.... Feeling guilty.

If we have say 4 appointments in a week like Dr, birthday party, car service etc....I feel overloaded.

I'm in a car club. One day many of us were asked to leaf a drive. This entailed organising it then being the lead car for the run to a destination. Sounds easy. Nope, the recipe fir disaster.

If I arrive with one car missing I'd hypo ventilate... Well nearly. Fall into worry. I'd be a mess.

I should have known....told the club organisor and was met with disrespect.

One fb friend once called me "fickle". She was correct. This is how some bp people are....certainly not boring.

Very unpredictable though. Even the sufferer can't know how they will feel in a few hours time.

Tony WK

Tony WK

[IJG]

Just wanted to stop by and say hi.

My wife suffers from bipolar and I've been doing a lot of reading in trying to understand the illness. I do go from being the most amazing husband in the world to the worst husband in the world with her illness.

It's sad to see but I do everything I can to let her know I'm there for her and would do anything for her and not let this illness destroy us.

Unfortunately her kids have placed an enormous amount of stress on her and this has caused her to leave me which has been devastating. This has sent me into a deep depression, anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts.

I want to follow this thread and get some feedback from people with bp. Is her illness going to keep her away from me because of the stress put on by her children or will she finally see what has happened and try to make a mends?

Its been very interesting reading how everyone with bp copes differently. I wish my wife would not have given up on me being by her side.

[white knight]

Hi ijg

Thanks fir your input

I have two comments based on assumption only.

Firstly I don't believe actions like leaving ones partner would be done often based on the illness alone. Bp highs and lies are like normal peoples ups and downs but much more steep a curve and more often.

Secondly, step parent situations although very common now, are often complex stressful lifestyles. I was step dad to 3, children in two different relationships. I left believing its a tough gig.

Summing up, I believe bp and other mental illnesses although having a devastating effect on a relationship, would not cause the demise of a marriage alone. It likely has other issues as a core if the problem.

Her children causing her stress us for her to sort out. In my experience, parents usually won't combat it. They won't insist their kids consider her health for example. This stress she has isn't fair but shell tolerate it because she knows no other way.

Finally, your health is now number one. You must distance yourself from issues you have no control over. Be realistic. Continue treatment for your problems and limit scenario's because "what if's" are great for feeding anxiety and depression.

Charity begins at home and home is where people love you

My view

Tony WK

[Kazzl]

Hi IJG, I'm sorry to hear this has happened! And well done to you for trying to learn and understand your wife's condition.

Whether and how much her illness has contributed to the breakup might depend on a few things. Do you know if she is type 1 or type 2? Type 1 is far more severe - can cause delusions, loss of touch with reality, seeing things (and situations) that are not there. Type 2 is milder and these things generally don't happen.

Also, is your wife medicated or receiving treatment? And, when the breakup happened was she depressed? Sometimes in a deep depression we can convince ourselves that people would be better off without us.

I agree with Tony that you need to look a bit deeper and not just at the illness, but in saying that I know it does affect how we think.

My advice would be to just let her know you're still there for her and that you are trying to understand. And learn as much as you can - there are many resources on the internet, just read as much as you can. For info from someone who lives with bipolar, google Natasha Tracy, Bipolar Burble she's an excellent blogger and mental health advocate in the US - best info I've found from a lived experience perspective.

Tony is right that you must take care of yourself. See your doctor, talk to people who understand (including us). You can also call the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636.

Best wishes to you mate and thanks for joining us here.

Kaz

[IJG]

Thank you Tony and Kaz for your reply.

Kaz I believe she is type 1. She has been very depressed lately from the added stress about missing out on her kids weddings.

She has only started treatment in the last month but we are only starting to understand the illness and that she needs medication not only for her highs but also for her lows.

She did mention that the medication was starting to work on her highs as she has been on that medication longer but not her lows.

The problem now is I cannot contact her because of her restraining order which kills me.

She always tried to tell me I'm better off without her and I always tried to let her know that I would be worse off without her and I'm right. I'm a complete mess and can't function properly.

Tony, I'm not blaming just the illness. Her kids have placed so much stress on her and she knows that because we have spoken about it. She just gets to these points that she doesn't see any better at what devastation she causes when she is like this. She always tried to convince me she was bad and no good for me. She is an amazing woman and i love her deadly. I just can't tell her that anymore till she makes contact with me. She is worth all the pain and suffering because i know who she is when she is normal.

Thanks.

[white knight]

Hi ijg

Oh, bipolar 1 ...much more severe. Sorry I assumed bipolar 2.

Yes that restraining order would be hard to handle. You need to convince yourself that what is out of your control is just that. Nothing you can do.

As a therapist reminded me once, "you can't save the world"

Its tough. Time is an incredible healer.

Tony WK