This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

Quirky and Velvet, no not FIFO, just a short-term assignment, will be away 3 days a week after this week. Not great because it’s on the back of another interstate job that had me travelling to a different city. But I had a small win today, because of probity issues with me working in my usual office my boss said I should do my other 2 days a week from home. That is a good outcome. Means I’ll be able to see more of my family on the days when I’m home. Winning.

Loula, your ex-best friend sounds like my friend. Who has gone from messaging me every day to never instigating any contact. And often not replying to me, or replying with closed statements to cut off communication. She did say she’s struggling to cope with everything that she has to do at the moment and wants to hibernate for the winter. She seemed quite down when I saw her the other day, even though she said she was ok when I asked (because, like an idiot, I can’t help asking 🙄). I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt before I cut her off completely. We play in the same soccer team, so I need to keep some level of friendliness so it doesn’t become awkward for everyone else. But I’m losing my patience.

Loula it must get frustrating to have these medication changes forced upon you all the time. Especially when you don’t agree with what your doctors are saying. Keep trying though, if you find the right combination you’ll hopefully start feeling like you exist again.

When I last saw my psychiatrist I was saying that the meds were making me feel a bit slow. She asked me whether I thought they were effecting my work and I said no. She then said that I’m noticing the difference because I’m not ‘enhanced’ any more, I’m just like everyone else. I laughed, but a tiny part of me was tempted to stop the meds to go back to how things were... because I used to be able to get so much done when I was in the mood. So Loula, I can definitely relate to your frustrations and the temptation to stop. I feel it too. In my profession you’re almost expected to be able to do 50 things at once, so it was an advantage to be manic!

Tams

[Loula]

Hey Tams that’s great you can work two days at home. Hopefully this trip won’t upset you to much.

Thats great your giving your friend the benefit of the doubt and I hope she sees what an amazing friend she has and can show care evenly. I have my friend numerous chances but in the end I just had to put a stop to it. I thought I would be more upset but strangely I wasn’t. But if she ever really needs me I would show up. I don’t liks having bad blood.

I cant handle these changes. It’s driving me insane. It’s like every single day I’m fighting and I’m doing everything the doctors say but nothing!!!!

Oh I miss the manic. Not the dangerous manic but the 50 things at once manic. I love being fast. It’s normal for me and because im a high achiever well that’s what my doctors say I like being fast. It’s a good feeling for me even though I know I will eventually go to far and crash.

[Angela_J]

Hey Loula,

Are you on medications for your bipolar. It might slow you down a bit and then u might not feel so manic or get into fights with people. I also have some bipolar friends and although they are trying sometimes I love them to bits. With my bipolar friends I just keep the conversation light and I never criticise them. I am currently in hospital getting treatment for schizoaffective disorder so I understand how difficult it is to live with a mental illness.

Do you have any other friends who won't irritate you so much, maybe hang out with them.

[quirkywords]

Angela,

Welcome to the forum. Thanks for taking the time to post and offer support for Loula.

I hope your treatment is working for you.

You are most welcome to post here and if you want you can slow start your own thread.

Do you experience any mood swings with your illness?

You sound like a true friend, I have never found anyone who does not criticise me!!

Thanks again for joining our thread.

Loula, What you described sounds like a mixed state and that can be very confusing .I hope your medication can get sorted once and for all but I suppose the doctors are trying their hardest like you are.

Unlike, Loula and Tams, I never had the energetic mania only the dangerous , risktaking, reputation ruining, life threatening , friendship ending, mania. The energy I had was used for character destroying behaviour not for being fast at work. When I was manic, I would be sacked within a few days due to my inappropriate behaviour.

I still missed my highs as I thought that was regular mood, but of course with hindsight I see the destruction I did to my life that in some way I am still paying for today academically, financially and socially!

Quirky

[Loula]

What is a mixed state? Dosent sound fun! I’m just so tiered and feel like every day I have to turn on the on switch. Has anyone else been like that before?

Did your mania just got straight to hardcore? Mine slowly builds up to distructive behaviour. I love the mid build up. I feel like I’m on top of the world!

Yes im still paying for mine. It really annoys me we have to pay the price for something we can not control. It’s not like we are choosing these actions.

Hi Angela yes I’m on medication for my bipolar but they are struggling to get me the correct dosage which sucks. That’s no good your not doing well. Hopefully that changes soon.

I do have supportive friends but when I’m cycling it’s better for me to stay away. Far away.

[quirkywords]

Waves to everyone.

loula,

this is when you experience both high and low symptoms at once, and cycling is where you experience a high and low in rapid succession. Not sure if any others have experience a mixed state as it is very confusing and horrible to go through.

My full on mania would come straight after a low and I never had a resting period before high became out of control. I went from zero to ten very quickly.

Quirky

[Tams20]

Hi Quirky,

I've experienced a mixed state, happens to me every now and then. Was very bad when I was on ADs, that's what alerted my doctor to the fact that it may not have just been 'anxiety and depression' that I was experiencing. I also suffer from rapid cycling, thankfully my meds have helped to level out the highs and lows a bit... although when I am tired and stressed it can get quite bad again. I've been reading up on Bipolar (because I'm still relatively new to this) and have been amused when they say one or two cycles per year - PER YEAR! If only it was that infrequent, try one or two per freaking day.

I've asked a couple of friends whether I'm a pain in the backside with my illness and they have said they don't think of me any differently to anyone else. Just that I have a few quirks that they have put down to my personality traits, nothing that bothers them. I haven't asked my 'fair weather friend' what she thinks about me for quite a while, she may answer differently now. But the feeling is mutual on that one.

Angela - welcome to the thread, hope you can get out of hospital soon.

Tams

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Tams, I think it is good to read pages or groups run by people who have bipolar. the thing to remember no two people experience bipolar in the same way.

My cycle would be every three to four weeks but they could be every six weeks low then 3 weeks high or other combinations . As soon I would get a pattern in my cycles they would then change Welcome to bipolar.

expect the unexpected, be flexible to change, be prepared . don’t think that one good day or pattern will mean anything except one good day.Keep your sense of humour.

Quirky

[velvetfaerie]

I had my professional appraisal thing yesterday with my boss. It went better than expected. I graded myself on thing and overall she thinks I am doing better than I think I am.

She mentioned my emotional roller coaster / concentration issues at times. I found that interesting. I have not told her anything about my MH.

I am at a low. Feel bummed. Bored. I want fun and adventures. The daily grind is such a bore. Responsibilities are stupid. Friends are no fun because life isn't being nice to them, so i get dumped on. No balance. I just want to run away.

V.

[Loula]

Velvetfaerie do you to when your feeling a bit on the low side get over the 9-5 life? Like I find everything and everyone and things are so borining and I want major fun in my life. Plus it’s just hard to watch life. I want to runaway. I want major breaks.

Thats good your boss thinks your doing better then you think you are. My psychologist keeps telling me people with bipolar are over achievers and have very high goals and that I’m way to much of a pusher and hard on myself. Do you think you could be the same? Like at my work I think I suck and that I’m slow especially when I know I’m not well and my boss is like your above average,

Have you been at your work long enough for your boss to know you well enough to know there is something wrong or could your boss be actually very use to people with mental illness outside of work?