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This bipolar life

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

9,960 Replies 9,960

I've tried to talk to people about it. It only gets ignored / pushed aside and they continue about themselves.

It really hurts.

Velvet everything you wrote sounds so familiar to me. Praise, what’s that? One of my parents never told me they loved me until I was 38. Never said I am proud of you till I was 38. His behaviour changed because he lost a child and went to therapy. He is sh$t with acknowledging his feelings. Anyway back to you my friend. Are you putting in some strategies to help with burnout? I would probably have it but I saw my Mum with it. So I do some self preservation things.

Probably why we both go full tilt hammer and tongs wanting that recognition. The praise. The positive feedback. Acknowledgement. Validation. To be heard and heaven forbid understood!!!

My parents are the same. Maybe it's me? I've blamed myself too for the lack of normal parent / child affection.

I've started with not chasing people anymore. I have always been the one to contact, suggest catching up, etc etc. I've stopped. I also never get invited or included in anything unless it's something I instigate. So I've stopped.

That's it for now. Work I'm putting in boundaries. Ones in my own head. Like don't try to do 3 jobs at once. Do 1 and if you can't do the others let it go. I was told any absences now I have to plan them. Ok. I'll plan my next germ no sweat.

Gah.

I've come out of the diagnosed and treatment adhd closet to a lot of close people. Only the smallest minority seemed to absorb the basic of info. The rest ignored it, dismissed it or reduced it.

Cool!! Try doing that to a person of different race, gender identity, sexuality or culture and watch the kick off.

I hate society's double standards.

Asdff and Velvet

i can relate to what you both write seeking approval. When I started writing a weekly blog my family thought it was a joke and I regretted showing them what I wrote.

Maybe not praise but to have people I love be proud of me.

I was often told I was messy careless untidy and clumsy which I was.

When I look at society as a whole, tearing people down, bullying etc is now the norm. Praise comes from posting heavily filtered photos on social media while wearing next to nothing.

This is what we've become. Praise the fake and ignore the real.

I almost cancelled my gym membership yesterday too.

The instructor wasn't very nice and I tried to chat to 4 class members friendly and stuff and not one smile or a word. They looked at me like I was some swamp creature.

The instructor got friendlier though as he got to know me a bit so that was good. He figured out I wasn't a threat or something

.

Where I volunteer I always say hello when I arrive. Not dire if people can’t hear.

through my mask but I am often ignored. I keep on being polite

Velvet I am glad the instructor took time to know you.

I have had lots of social interaction in past week and cuddles adult and baby, Really good but strangely tiring.

Sorry to vent.

I hope you all have a fabulously lovely awesome week ahead.

V

Quirky, my psychologist says I am mean to myself. I have a few years to make myself that way. I have really low self esteem.