This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[asdff]

Airies, I’ve always been a pessimist. I dislike constructive criticism. I do many things to avoid it.

I do say no. Quite a lot. I have seen what happens when you don’t say no; burn out. I have a gratitude diary. I don’t use it daily. I do offer kindness to others. I guess Pandora’s Box shall be opened at my next psychologist session. On that note and it could be the victim mentality, it could across as rude and I do not mean that in anyway. It’s just me wanting to get my thoughts out. I go to a psychologist regularly and I know I am VERY lucky to have that service within my reach. I am working on myself. Yet, why does it bring more railroads, more bridges to cross? Would I know that I have a victim mentality without seeing a psychologist? Maybe, through doing my own research, reading etc but probably not. What I am trying to say is, it’s hard to keep hearing these things about me. I feel I am being adaptable and resilient, working through these problems.

[quirkywords]

I get accused by my children of playing the victim whereas I see myself as a survivor but I do feel life has been unfair at times.
I can’t handle any criticism and I think constructive criticism is an oxymoron.
Asdff I admire the way you are adaptable and thst you see a psychologist. I have never got to a third session I am probably a challenging and fussy client.

[Airies]

Asdff, I think many people get to point A to B in life relatively easily. We due to the nature of our illness, our dealings with others, doctors and psychs do it a tad harder. It’s uncomfortable hearing about ourselves, spilling our guts out and none of us pictured this as a scenario when we were young. Maybe I’m overgeneralising here. I like you am lucky to have access to health services. My wife does the finances, I’m clueless but I’m sure our health provider is operating at a loss.

Through it all, the courses, sessions with our psychs, even the meds they are all tools in our toolbox. I think you and others are amazing in the journeys we have traveled. We haven’t given up. The bridges and railroads we cross. I hope I’m not the troll under the bridge.I’m in awe of our little group here. Stay safe , be kind to yourselves .

[quirkywords]

Aries,

I think some people seem to get from A to B easily but others may seem to but we don't see how hard it can be as they smile and say they are ok.

I too admire the way people here keep going and are willing to support each other.

Also the people who read and dont post I like the way they are listening to others.

[velvetfaerie]

We are all guilty of the victim mindset even if transiently.

It's a trait I personally dislike, in myself and others.

Everyone is a victim in life regardless of levels of events that happened prior... from a crap childhood to missing out on being picked for a sport team... being over worked or surviving a huge tragedy.

[Airies]

What did others fear growing up? I feared not getting married, being able to have children and ending up as an old man with nothing on a park bench. Luckily enough to have the first 2 and last time I laid on a bench I struggled to get up.

[velvetfaerie]

I feared marriage and children. Responsibilities. Driving.

[quirkywords]

Aries I was afraid I would never be able to do further study as I was doing badly at school.

I was afraid I would live with my parents forever.

I was afraid I would not hold down a job as an adult.

[velvetfaerie]

I haven't studied as much as I should have. A professor I work with has said many times "do a degree with me!!!"

I held this job down and I have no idea how. Not even joking.

I jumped from job to job for many years. Got bored and quit. I'm bored here at the moment but I hope in 1.5wks if it's found I do have adhd... things can change for the better.

But we see.

[Guest9337]

Hi velvetfaerie, love that name and your dog faced profile pic, awesome!

I'm a dog person, love dogs, practically half dog myself I reckon.

dng is after all only one letter away from dog!

I hear your boredom, did you find studying (whatever it was) boring also?

I got so bored, I was bored of being bored! lol. Found very few things to do that aren't boring.