This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

I don't socialise anymore. Although, tomorrow, I have work Christmas lunch. I will just go, do what I need to then leave. I am not much liking anything at the moment, and very aware of it. So I will go, pretend, then leave.

It will be the same all holidays. 🙂

[quirkywords]

Velvet

I too dont like socialise but as i complain I dont have a community here I find I am pressured into making an effort. People think because I sometimes talk and listen that I am enjoying myself but it is nerves that make me talk. I have bene known to say socially awakward things in public or the truth as it was once called!!

Velvet, this has not been a good year for you either. I have no wise words only a comforting e hug without any cliches.

[velvetfaerie]

My nerves make me chatty and say very honest things as well. I said a few doses of the truth to my mum 2 days ago. She needed to hear it. URGH I just don't seem to get to do anything I want to / enjoy lately except the exercise. I listen to people waffle on about themselves and their own drama, but no one has any concept of what I am facing. I also accommodate everyone else in my life and no one is considerate enough to return the favour. Conversations and relationships are two way. I have put all those people on mute HAHAHA ! Don't care.

I am kind of sore today after going a bit hard at said gym over the weekend HAHAH!

It is all ok. Comforting hug returned. What else can we do? Just keep doing our best. Coffee and cake. 😄

[quirkywords]

I could have written your first paragraph. I am always the one who changes, modifies, accommodates others and it is so tiring. I dare not complain as people think I am sarcastic but being a doormat is not much fun.

Coffee and cake sounds great !!

Hello people reading for first time feel free to say or hi if you want to.

[velvetfaerie]

It is super exhausting. So now I am being selfish, people are asking why am I being so difficult? 😕

Don't care any more.

I am going to need a coffee soon I think. Did not sleep well and work is crazy !

V.

[Airies]

V, you’re trying to look after # 1 and that’s you. Nothing wrong with that. I hope you’re having a bit of a break over Xmas or at least the main days. Socialising not a fan. I put my hand up for a few things then back out....too hard. V like you I’m sore overdoing the excercise thing. My family mean well but I cop a bit of flack for my junk food. Rediscovered donuts/ zKfc during the week, a treat and on my fortnight’s weighing still lost weight, 🙂

How are people coping with the heat.? Finding it oppressive here but that’s the way it is.

Cheers

[quirkywords]

Aries what heat, last friday was 13 degrees !!

For me putting on weight is not about extra food it is about my mood and attitude.

I tell people if you want me to put on weight tell me to lose it!

[velvetfaerie]

The heat has been hard. Robs one of sleep and is draining until you get used to it again. 😕

Donuts - good idea ! 😄

[velvetfaerie]

So as expected, no communication or thought and I'm potentially running all over town Christmas day. Potentially... because I've thrown a fit.
Again I'm last and not even consulted on things that affect me. I get told story A then without any hint something else is happening..
I truly feel close to a breakdown. Never do I get what I need to feel loved.

[quirkywords]

Velvet,

I don’t know what to say, I can relate as I find being left out of things that affect me happens a bit. If I say anything I am defensive.

I find being told one is loved is different to feeling loved.

I hope you can find a way to enjoy Christmas Day.

Take care

I