This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Aries, and meerkat welcome.

Aries I like your avatar- new growth. I can relate to much of what you say. I am not sure about the titanic but I felt I was in a row boat with a hole in it so no matter how much I tried to row or bail the water out, I kept sinking!

Meercat, I am glad you found this thread. I am not sure I mentioned it to you so am pleased you are here. I like smoothies. Yum.

I like the jet powered vacuum cleaner seeing it taking all in its suction.

Hi Velvet and waves at everyone.

Quirky

[Nad]

Hi Everyone,

i've been on my meds for 4 years now and still haven't been able to find one that stabilizes me for a long duration. i just finished ECT and had to stop because i was losing too many memories and the negatives were out weighing the benefits. i'm scheduled for rTMS in November so i'm hoping this will help me. Very similar to you Meercat, when i relapse, i sleep for long periods of time and slowly as i recover i'm cherpy and bouncy. Problem is those that don't understand bp or don't know i have bp judge me heavily. i don't want sympathy by explaining to them as it just encourages further judgement. unfortunately i take this to heart and tend to question my personaility if its legitimate or if my bp is taking me for another ride. They usually judge as to why i'm tired, down, fatigued, non energetic dull today and then on another day full active, joking, quick to respond.

The other part is the medication i take has caused me to put on extra 15kg. I've been told by family members to not use medication as an excuse in which again makes me feel like crap. my whole life i had no weight issues but now i have struggles on a daily basis with exercise motivation and self esteem.

[meercat]

Hi Nad.

I know what you mean about weight gain and loss. Iv been up and down for years. During my last cycle i went down 2 dress sizes but its creeping back on now as i get better.

My mum tells me to "get over it" if i mention bp. So i have bumbled thru life 64 yrs, on my bp rollercoaster telling no one but my doctor and husband, until i found BB forums a few days ago.

People dont seem to understand so i have mostly just kept to myself. I live with hubby but im home alone all day.

I have not had ect but i know a little about it so if you wish to share im here.

What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

Its "Hat Day" tomorrow in my town ..for awareness of mental health. The idea is to have a morning tea and wear a favourite hat. Im having a virtual party and wearing my halloween witches hat with spiders dangling over the edge. Everyone is welcome and we could try some herbal teas and cupcakes.. Hope you can join us.

Cheers meercat

[Nad]

Hi Meercat,

i'm sorry to hear that your mom doesn't support you the way she should be. i too am very reluctant to tell anyone however i'm slowly being selective of who i tell (those that are far more educated to think that bp is about looking for sympathy and can be easily fixed by being...happy).

i remember talking to a few ex-friends that were so high on their life that their response to me opening up about my bp was like "...why?...just be happy? why spend time being sad". i no longer speak to them 😛

i decided to do ECT as the medication i've been taking are slowly not being effective. unfortunately in Perth there's public ECT which is free and private which is like $2K per session. ECT is done in 12 sessions and usually starts off by the ECT anaesthetist putting you to sleep then you waking up 15min later with bit of a head ache, bit nauseous and sleepy. i slept the rest of the day off till the next session which was 2 days later. Once the 12 sessions have passed, the Psychiatrist re-evaluates your mood and determines if you require top-up sessions.

For me the ECT helped for around 2-3 weeks by stabalizing me. ECT didn't give my natural happy energetic life back but it did help the poor episodes from occuring again. One major problem that has arised as a side effect is my memory loss. i have problem remembering things from events, peoples faces, conversations and even have problems trying to construct short term memory (memorising patterns or numbers). My psychiatrist has banned me from going to ECT now hahahah. This treatment is not an option however his now reffered me to rTMS. Again there's a public and private. public is a 16week wait and not garenteed while private is $6K per session or if you pay the most highest health insurance then its covered. there's 20 sessions of rTMS and is compulsory to attend therapy classes in the morning for each 20 sessions. i'm waiting till nov for my health insurance waiver to kick in so i can attend.

i rarely find enjoyment in my spare time as i'm either having a downward episode that just consumes all my mind and energy. everytime i can find enjoyment, it gets taken away by my symptoms that consume my enjoyment. i have a 4 month old daughter that i like to spend time with however i can't spend too long with her or else my panic/anxiety kicks in and stuns me like a rock. i end up needing to lie down and not move for several hours to recover.

my most fav hat is the ferdora! i'll need to find it

[meercat]

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I know its not easy. You have a little girl! I have a gorgeous grand daughter 3 months old. She is the joy of my life and keeps me smiling.

meercat xx

[Airies]

Hi meercat,

ive been on my meds for about a year and a half so relatively stable. Past month increased eating, tension and not feeling quite right somes it up. Feels tense, gritted teeth and headaches like I had when ECT.. It's a rollercoaster, it never goes away. I have a loving wife, 2 boys and my little dog. I've battled with my weight all my life, now in my skinny phase but gained a kg or 2.My current psych hasn't diagnosed BP )1) but was diagnosed in the past. and now taking part in a mangosteen trial for BP. My little mini foxy is just like a meercat , stands on 2 legs and the most inquisitive beast out there.

Quirky I'm the domestic God at our house. Love my Dyson, though my wife reckons it's cumbersome and doesn't do the job.i like my avatar as well. I'm a mad gardener and plus it was on the front cover of my PTSD folder and it captured me.

I guess I'm in limbo at the moment. I do things to keep busy, doing ok, but not at times.Thats life. Just got to ride out the crummy moments... Lovelly to get some sunshine today. A bit of vitamin D makes such a difference,

Nad I've dropped people/ family who don't get me. Its survival and a duty of care to yourself. Can relate to the Ect memory loss and headaches. My memory is still screwed but i don't regret the treatment and at the time things were pretty dire. Running around after a 4 month old. I take my hat off to you. I've a 21 and 23 year old so I don't do much running around . BB and this thread are great as people here get it , I didn't realise TMS was so pricy. I was going to go down that part if Ect didn't work,

cheers Airies

[Issi]

Hi Nad

I haven't been on for a few days so welcome. I to have bp 4 to 5 years ago I had 3 lots of 5 ect treatments. I had private health so there was a $120 out of pocket cost each season, I stopped as I lost too many memories of my kids growing up and people I had met before. November last year I started TMS 20 treatments in 10 days in hospital private facility 2x45mins sessions with the only side effect for me being headaches which is treated we panadol. Then for me (everyone is different) I go in and have maintenance 8 treatments over 4 days every 5 to 6 weeks. I still take medication. But with the tms, medication and drs I'm about 8.5 most days with a couple of 3 days every two weeks, which is the best I've been for 20 years.

Hey I'm 49 and just finally gone to Tafe something I've wanted to do for a long time, and I'm doing ok with it (only the 1 mini panic attack) . Life can get better.

On the down side 7 years ago I had a gastric bypass and lost 40 kgs but have put 20 back on, I get down and embrassed about that, especially this time of year coming into summer.

I'm trying to be positive, tms is going really well, and I'm proud of myself going to Tafe. The thing that I wish I could change is my self confidence when out and my appearance.

Issi

[Nad]

I had such a bad episode yesterday. i had to force myself to try and go to work. i had cramp/tingle feelings in my arms, electric shock sensation to the face, felt like vommiting and was so tired and jelly in the legs. unfortunately i blew alot of my annual leave and sick leave on ECT so i have to force myself to go to work to make up more annual leave and accrue more sick leave. i had to take a benzo in the morning and sit like a zombie until it kicked in. Made it worse that i was even so sleepy to the point where i'd sit in the toilet sitting upright sleeping. i had to take more medicine in the afternoon to try and supress the anxiety. i ended up making it to the end of the day and slept the rest of it off. i'm alot better today thankfully

Airies I always try to avoid or drop interest in people like that however i always have that internal feeling of judgement every time i meet them again. there are some people i could never avoid either because they're family or work colleagues. anywhoo, i'm not saying i don't try as i always know its a time waster to even consider conversing with them.

Issi thank you for the insite into tms. i read up on how it works but i was more interested in the scheduling and duration. i really hope it helps me and that i can have the odd shot as ECT is out of the question now. also unfortunately i went to the Dr the other day to do my 6month check up in which my liver is getting a hammering by 2 of my medication. i have so much hope in tms because i need to get off these meds if tms works :'(

[Issi]

Nad

Sounds like you had a crappy day to put it mildly yesterday or Tuesday, sorry to hear that and glad things got better.

My medication has not changed, the TMS has just been added into the mix.

Issi

[velvetfaerie]

Hey Nad,

Popping in to say hello, to see how you are today and welcome you.

Hi Issi!!!

I think when stopping my contraception pill I got a bit hypo. Told my friends I felt high. I really did!!! That whole thing where everything looks clearer with more definition?

Strange things these brains....

🤷🏻‍♀️