This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Morning all, thanks for the lovely responses. I am truly enjoying my work and study, but it is taking the time and energy out of me.

Chae - being alone isn't a bad thing. I expect you are very good company. But, you do have it in you to change the situation if you want to. Join stuff, volunteer etc. Does it bother you being alone? I like my alone time ... But I do get up to mischief if left alone too long.

Hiya Dottie - how's things hun? Hope the studies etc are going well.

Hi Lady S - sorry there's no good news about jobs, and taking a break from hunting is a good idea I reckon. It will happen hun, in it's own annoyingly good time.

Hi to everyone else too - how's things Len and Mallow?

Cheers all

Kaz

[Guest_322]

Hi Kaz and our merry band,

Lady S, I'll gladly accept the hugs and propose a virtual group hug for anyone interested!

I'm glad walking is helping you mood-wise. The power of fresh air and endorphins. Good on you for doing it!

If you want to lose weight then of course we will all give you our full moral support. I guess as long as you're losing weight in a safe, healthy way then it's okay. Maybe it would help to discuss your meds and weight loss goals with your GP?

Taking a break from the painful job hunt process seems wise. Sounds like you needed to recharge because the job sitch is, as Chae commented, demoralising. It can be really frustrating. You rest up now.

Agreed, the Smiths are good indeed! Sad, yes, but sad songs have a place too. I prefer sad songs if I'm feeling sad because it makes me feel less alone. Like the music gives me a voice/validation for my own sadness.

Most of 2017 has been pretty rough for me so far. Spent a good part of February in tears at night. But I'm back at uni this week, which is a plus as it keeps me preoccupied. I finished early today (no tutes in week 1) and talked to some new faces today in a lecture.

Did you go for a walk today?

Chae, insomnia is horrible. How did work go after your sleep deprived night?

Sorry, we weren't here to reply the other day. Here now.

Loneliness is horrible. Solitude is enjoyable but not loneliness. Can I ask if it's loneliness or solitude you're experiencing?

Kaz, I'm glad to hear you're finding work and your course so rewarding. I'm hoping it's a pleasant, satisfied kind of busy.

I'm back at uni this week so getting back into the rhythm of things. I've been enjoying keeping busy and have met some new people. I talked to 3 new people yesterday and had lunch with a friend yesterday. Today, I talked to a couple of classmates in a lecture- they seem pretty cool. Also, I bumped into another friend on campus which was nice 😊

Rest of the merry band (Len, Mallowpuff, others), I hope you're all plodding along alright. And remember, Lady S is offering virtual hugs if you need one.

Dottie x

[velvetfaerie]

Hey Dottie et al.

**hugs** to the merry band of all !

Dottie = Ah uni life.... that's why I work for a uni! 🙂 Almost 10 years now HAHAHAH.

My day at work after the bad sleep was horrid. So emotional I was.

Solitude - I like it but I am really lonely. The line blurs at times but mostly I am lonely.

I am coming to terms with some things in my life and feeling a bit better today about things. I might swing again tomorrow lol.

I better get my head back into my work.

C.

[Guest_322]

Hi Kaz + merry band,

Chae, thanks for the hugs!

The other day at work sounds awful- hamster wheel in overdrive. I'm glad to hear your mood has lifted a little.

Yeah, I hear you on the loneliness. Ah, the feels...fine line between solitude and loneliness sometimes. I'm often lonely too like that quote about being "lonely in a crowded room"- that's my brand of loneliness.

Ah you loved uni so much, you decided to stay ha, ha. But I guess the difference now is the uni pays you rather than you owing them money...wait...never mind, that's me and my ever growing HECS-HELP debt 😂

Hang in there, C. Maybe going to the gym will help as I know you like to move.

Dottie x

[velvetfaerie]

"Lonely in a crowded room". That is completely it!

No exercise today. Too sore from yesterday. The hamster wheel was pushing me. Not so much today. I am all "Meh" today. Too hot to care.

HECS - the fees are getting a bit beyond a joke aren't they?

C.

[Airies]

Hi folks,

hope you all on the improve. Accepting mega hugs and reciprocating to you as needed. Bit of a weird week for me. Gone back to my previous dosage as the reduction at m request hadn't gone well. Was manic and you think one little pill would make such a difference. Far more settled, a bit more sedate and bombed out as a result but that's the way it's going to have to be for me. Was feeling a tad vulnerable and thinking here we go again. Was not the best headspace especially with upcoming cruise. It's been a bit unsettling and came close to readmittance to hospital but didn't.

Still excercysing but taking the gas off. The odd rest day, no longer doing twice a day workouts and allowing the odd indulgence food wise. Had a good talk with my psych and come up with a plan to cope over the next few weeks.,once upon a time I could take most things in my stride but not anymore. At least I can see the warning signs in advance and nip things in the bud.Will look after myself. Catch you all soon

cheers Len

[Lady_Stardust]

Thanks for all the supportive words, very helpful as always! ❤️

I didn't go for a walk today because I had a family thing to go to, and it was heaps far away so I'm pretty tired of sitting. But I don't know about going for a walk at this time of night? Maybe tomorrow. I'm thinking about bringing the weight thing up when I next see my doctor. This community's support will of course help in the meantime. :3

Absolutely right about how it feels when looking for work. I'll probay get back into it tomorrow, but gradually.

On a musical note (no pun intended) I'm gonna take the opportunity to recommend some. I just found this music that is supposedly designed to reduce anxiety and I think it's really nice: 'Weightless' by Marconi Union. (:

I'm sorry to hear that February has been cruel to you this year. New month now, though, and I think March will be your time. Fingers crossed for only good things in March and the rest of the year. Always good to keep yourself busy; the news faces nice?

Hoping that your mood very much improves, Chae. The meh moods really suck. Don't know from personal experience, but I know people dealing with those fees and it's just ridiculous. 😞

And yup, the virtual hug offer is always on the table!

As for today, like I said, went to see a relative. It was not a good day, only because dad got angry at me, and we had already had a bit of a fight yesterday, so I guess the mood wasn't great to start with. I don't know what the matter was, he really lashed out over something I thought to be an innocent statement.

Then he sort of tried to apologise once we arrived, but I was still upset so I rebuffed, and that started a hushed argument over who started the fight in the first place - as we were walking into the house! Like a scene from a sitcom, but it was certainly not funny.

We can't seem to stop fighting. There's always an argument. I have a problem with his attitude, he has a problem with mine. I don't like what he said, he doesn't like what I said in response, etc.

We've had a few major fights before, maybe three. I've called him a bad father and I don't really mean that, because he's not, but I don't know, I feel our relationship has really deteriorated, and I think our respective mental health issues have played a very big part in that (yes, he has a lot going on in the mental health department).

Whew. Sorry, I should probably shift over to the family issues section, huh? Just had to get that off my chest.

[velvetfaerie]

Hi lady stardust

I also have a tempestuous relationship with my dad. Reading your words made me smirk with familiarity. I understand. I hope you're ok.

***Hugs***

I dumped my boyfriend today. It's final. I'm sick of being second to his tantrum chucking ex.

What made me do it was some people who don't know me, or my name yet work in my building, left a big block of chocolate on my desk as they saw I was so upset today because he couldn't even tell me when we could see each other.

I texted him "the people who left me this don't know me, or my name but they saw my tears caused by you. You know me, my name, say you love me yet I'm worth less than this to you."

He replied "yes I'm a c%#*"

I replied "a single one!"

Ive been a sobbing heaving mess all day. He said he loved me, I was the love of his life and he was a sobbing mess on the phone a few hours prior.

I don't understand how I fail so much in love.

sorry I'm a sook.

[Guest_322]

Hi lovely people,

Oh Chae, breakups are the pits. No matter what the circumstances, there is almost always pain and heartbreak. Here's a virtual hug (plus boxes of virtual tissues) from me.

Sadly, I think sometimes words are just words, huh? Anyone can say they "love you" BUT it's their subsequent actions that reveal the truth. Or at least that's my 2 cents worth. I learnt that the hard way from my ex.

It speaks volumes that your colleagues- almost strangers- made an attempt to cheer you up. Yet your ex- despite all his love confessions- hasn't been there for you. I don't know...I feel actions speak louder than words.

Aw...you don't fail at love. Sometimes we just end up with the wrong people. If it's any tiny consolation, we all think you're awesome.

In the mean time, do what you need to do to nurse a broken heart. Have some nights out (or in) with friends, go to the gym, mani-pedi, computers games if that's more your thing, cry and cry and cry, etc...do what you need to do to get through this.

Yes, I totally hear you about being "lonely in a crowded room."

Len, thanks for the virtual hug-a-thon here. Hey, you've certainly had a very rough week too. It looks like you've been on an emotional merry-go-round.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling more settled- sadly the payoff is sometimes feeling "blah" as well. Your psychologist sounds like he or she has been excellent support. It's good to have him/her in your corner.

In Paul's- a BB Community Champion- words, be "kind and gentle" to yourself, k?

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi again,

Exceeded the character count so had to create a new post ha, ha.

Lady S, oh yeah, late night walks can be relaxing but I have to admit that I would worry about your personal safety. Probably for the best that you left it for the next day.

Speaking of which, did you end up going for a walk? Oh cool, thanks, I love music recommendations. I'll have to check out Marconi Union (I initially misread it as Macaroni union ha, ha).

Yeah, well, the new faces seem nice enough. I mean, I barely know them but sometimes new faces are good because it's a nice distraction for me. I also had lunch with a friend earlier this week (at uni) and bumped into another friend on campus.

Oh like Chae, I hear you on the whole dad thing. I think it's hard when both parent and child have their own plate of MH issues.

It can become a bit push-pull and emotions can explode all over the place. You can vent here- I'm sure Kaz won't mind- any time you like. We all try our best to support each other here.

My dad has a lot of his own issues too, which generally manifests as anger, so I can empathise with you. I'm not saying your dad is necessarily like mine but what I'm trying to say is I can empathise with the volatility of your relationship with him.

Kaz, I hope your studies and work is continuing to go well. Also, I hope you're not feeling too tired from it all.

Everyone, virtual hugs and well wishes!

Dottie x

Dottie x