Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[The_Abyss]

Thanks James - no, it wasn't on my thread...I had delved elsewhere., spread myself thin, tried to help but in doing so became compromised. Lesson learnt - I will be more cautious next time. I do feel relatively safe on this thread (despite some necessary (???) edits by moderators)....it was my overreaction to things that were out of my control.

Spoke with the GP again today.....he wanted to delve into a couple of avenues we hadn't discussed yesterday. Among other strategies, he suggested seeing a psychiatrist......now that really threw me. How the heck did I escalate so quickly from "just depression" to "I think we should refer you ....". Am I reading too much into that? Does he too suspect I have more than just depression? It wasn't a bridge I was prepared to cross at the moment. Baby steps. I'm still getting use to the depression tag, let alone ADs! He also gave me another couple of websites to check out.

Also already getting side effects from the ADs and so had to get extra medication to help control those. . . Despite that, it was a better today, most likely due to having offloaded to someone yesterday (the GP), and therefore feeling like I had someone back in my court, sharing the load. I don't want to overburden him (that dependence thing again), but it was nice being able to talk rationally and uncensored for a change. I know you guys and girls are in my court as well, it was just different).

Thanks again for all the ongoing support despite my tantrums. It's a confusing time, and I feel very lucky to have been continually propped up by you all.

TA

[Croix]

Dear TA

You have had a hard time, but not a defeat, you have taken a sensible set of steps. The AD's will help, even if they need tweaking. Insulin for diabetics, AD's for others. The journey most likely won't be that bad, uncomfortable perhaps until the meds are properly established - I'm sure you know this..

BeyondNow is really - at least for me - a two person job. I could not think of all the good things to try, took someone that knew me. I like your picture of passing the buoy. I filled it in on my own to start with, was unsatisfied.

Being burned on bb. The really great thing was in your words tried to help, that is a noble thing to suffer for - yes the impulse to help others is noble. You are vulnerable and it backfired. It's ok.

The number of people that have needed 'guidance' with their posts is truly endless. It is really nothing. All have ups and downs - including tantrums, some are just noisier than others, the Zeppelin dog just looks at me and goes back to sleep.

I'm gladdened you can relate to your GP, yes it is different talking with all your senses to a person who is right there, not just lines of representative text. The talk will, as you said, have done your soul good. If you feel you have to hold back a little now, give it time.

The 'progression' to psychiatrist, another tool basically. Mine have been a big benefit. You get to judge efficacy, if it's reasonable, if you can gain benefit. It don't matter what he 'suspects'. You control.

Don't worry about times being confusing, they'll sort out - they did for me and umpteen others here.

Please don't be reluctant to keep coming back to bb, no matter what. I think it is a help to you at times and that is most important, that is why the Forum is here. It also really is a 'judgment free' zone. None of us here can afford to cast stones.

I don't really know why I'm saying all this, you know it already, perhaps it's that if it comes from someone else as well it might be a bit more real.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear TA

Oh dear, those dreadful down days. I said above, try to remember the good or better days. Well I have been in a dreadful place for the past week and I could not remember any good times. So much for that theory. But it does pass, even while we are saying/believing it will not go away.

I see a psychiatrist. She tells me I am not depressed, which surprised me. So why do I see her? Well I was in bad way when I was referred to her with many problems similar to yours. And I was most reluctant. No one has "just depression". It is a serious illness and as you know makes you feel dreadful. Taking medication is not a sign of weakness. I know about that also because that's what I thought. In fact it shows you are taking your illness seriously and getting treatment which includes meds and seeing an expert consultant. Do you refuse to see other specialists?

Taking these steps really is part of or the beginning of your road to health. I am so pleased you have agreed to take these steps. ADs can take a couple of weeks to really kick in, but if you have prescribed the right AD it will help enormously. Side effects troubling you? Please continue for a few weeks more. Often these side effects just go away. Try and keep a record of how you are feeling, both good and bad. If the AD needs to be changed your doctor will have a better idea of the AD to swap you over to.

Offloading to your GP is good. They, like psychiatrists, know how to manage their own mental health so it's OK to talk/vent/disclose/whatever. That's why they are there.

It's true that everyone who responds to you has their own difficulties, and that sometimes means we cannot always be here for you. But because we have experienced these problems we have a better understanding about how you hurt, how you feel, what has worked for us (and we all have different coping mechanism). This forum is unique in that we know about you and we know ourselves and no one will speak harshly to you or judge you. It would be like hurting ourselves, so remember we care and understand.

Time to go to church.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

You both made a lot of sense - thank you. A better day today (so far) although still finding myself bouncing around on the emotional scale. A relatively good night sleep helped - they are few are far between at the moment.

I spent part of the morning talking with a depressed 100 year old. "I don't know how to die" she lamented. She had outlived most of her family and friends, and was struggling to go it alone. It broke my heart, much more so than the 37 year old I saw earlier whose family had rejected her. There is a lot of sadness in the world. The highlight though was seeing how one of the nurses treated both these ladies, with real compass and understanding. There are some true treasures out there.

[Croix]

Dear TA

Thank you for telling of your experience with music sending you back to your ice-skating younger days in:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

As you say it is amazing the power just a single thing can have on us. Hearing the cry of just one seagull reminds me vividly of the harbor and my grandparents, Nain and Tide.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

Sounds like a good day talking to others. Is this your job or volunteer work? Letting other people express themselves and talk about their needs is good. I find it is a good diversion for me to stop my brain recycling the same old same old. And it's fantastic for others to know someone is interested in them. Your 100 yo lady sounds pretty tough to have reached that age. Probably that has been her secret for a long life, not knowing how to die. So sad with the other lady being rejected. I always feel sad when I hear of stories about other people's unhappiness no matter what the reason.

I re-read your post where you said your GP wanted to give you ADs and refer you to a psychiatrist. I doubt your GP has suddenly found a new illness in you. There are degrees of depression ranging from mild to major. The major illnesses are best managed by a psychiatrist. Fifteen years ago I had major depression and it was truly awful. I wish BB had been around then as it would have been great to hear the stories of others and know I was not the only person who was depressed.

You are moving forward. Your posts are more positive even on bad days. Yes, two steps forward and one back is a familiar pattern and it is so frustrating. Remember you are always moving forward even in baby steps. One day you will look back and see what an awesome person you are and how far you have come. And just how many lessons you will have learned. (Sounds like school). I don't recommend depression as a learning process but if you are there take as much as you can from it.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear TA~

That one was even better than the last 🙂 The memory of the beach and horses, as you say - Paradise. I can't imaging anyone reading that and not being infected with the feelings you had at the time.

Please keep bearing

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

in mind, not only as a contributor, but as a user, I re-read many (lots belonging to Gruffudd of course) and really am in a better place as a result

Croix.

[The_Abyss]

Thank you Croix, Mary and James,

I have had a few really good days this week, so much so that I am petrified of crashing again. I don't know if it's the long weekend, holiday season, great weather, being surrounded by joy and laughter, starting the hormones and ADs, or coming clean and letting the GP know how bad things had become. That lifted such a weight off my shoulders. And, although still not ready to disclose to those around me that I am on ADs, perhaps it's finally giving up that battle that has also helped.

Croix, yes, not sure where that memory of the horse riding sprang from. I actually thought of it around the same time as the skating one - maybe a song on the radio sending the mind back to a more peaceful time. Thank you for encouraging me to write there. I actually have a couple more to go up - I just didn't want to be overwhelming! Yes, I enjoyed reading others too, particularly the more descriptive ones that take me on a journey!

Mary - it was through my second job. I am involved with an emergency service and the first two jobs on Friday were to people who were depressed, the first threatening self harm, and the other no longer able to cope. I wasn't sure how I would go with either of them, being in the same place myself of late. I wasn't sure if it would give me additional insight, or threaten my own imbalances. Having been on BB the last couple of weeks, I found it had equipped me with a little more compassion and tolerance. I was worried that how I potentially saw these two ladies would be how others saw me, and that really worried me. I can be "me" on this forum, but aren't yet ready to put that "me" on display. Having said that, it was really sad speaking with both of them, as each just needed someone to talk with, someone just to let them know that it was ok to feel the way they were feeling, that someone cared.

Mary - in the discussion the other day, GP did mention "major depression" but I guess I hadn't considered myself being that bad. I guess lining up a suicide attempt and saying good bye to my kids probably landed me in that one! It's in that same vein I guess with the suggestion of a psychiatrist. Was it because I got so bad and he didn't want the responsibility? Was it because he could see the hallmarks of BPD or similar? Was it just because he was trying to do the best by me? I don't know. It will be another couple of weeks before I get the chance to ask him, but perhaps I don't want to know the answer!!!

Thank you again

[White_Rose]

Hello

I commented on Quercus' thread how much I like your new picture. It's so fantastic to see the change which I presume goes with your improved life. Green trees and a path leading you on to bigger and better things.

When my GP wanted to send me to a psychiatrist I was outraged. She told me she needed the support of a psych because she did not have all the resources necessary. She was not pushing me away or fobbing me off. I had tried suicide and she needed to help me the best way she could. Hence the psychiatrist. Once I had got over my resentment I found I was getting help from two people, psych and GP. And the GP was right, I have gained so much with the psych and I am grateful for that help. Of course when both ladies go on holiday together it's a bit of a let down, but I am coping quite well.

You have the suicide and major depression the wrong way round. It's because you a have major depression that you seriously considered suicide. And because he wants to help you in the best way he has suggested a psych. He is taking this step because he takes his responsibilities seriously. He is not abandoning you. Unlike the psychologist who left me when I made my attempt.

I cannot comment on the BPD. Have you seen the psych? This is a question for him/her.

I volunteer in a similar role as yours but not with emergency services. You do need to take care of your own health, mental and physical. Does your GP know you do this? Please tell your psych. I imagine that unless you become more seriously unwell they will have no problem with it. Just check it out.

When I had a major depression 17 years ago I was still working. When I saw the psych I was writing the policy and procedures for the office's Critical Incidents. He thought I was part of the management team carrying out debriefing and counselling and was not happy. He was OK when I explained I was writing procedures not being involved. In fact I was involved because I was also the Workplace Health and Safety Officer but more in the after effects.

I have found my own depression has given me exactly what you describe, more compassion and tolerance and lots more empathy. I know what helped me and it is a good place to start.

I find some days going to wherever, I feel miserable but as soon as I arrive I become professional and make the other(s) feel they are the most important person there. Focussing on someone else can be good for us. A refreshing diversion and the feeling lasts.

Mary

[Loca_SHJ]

Hi TA

I thought I would read through your posts after you directed me here in another thread and i was left shaking from both the raw honesty of your pain and your obvious strength and conviction to strive for better. I gather you are a prolific writer, a compassionate social service worker, a selfless supporter of others, a loving mother and much much more.

What you said about your challenges with mental health professionals such as the initial time laps between appointments, the difficulty to make the steps to reach for that appointment, the immense sense of disapointment or pain when it cannot be achieved or does not achieve what you'd hoped for and the challenges you face in asking for what you think you need. I have struggled with a lot of this myself. In the last week my psychiatrist laughed at me and a lifeline worker suggested I was imagining something i'd disclosed to them inspite of the fact i had material evidence to prove i wasn't paranoid or delusional. For what its worth i'm trying to remind myself mental health professionals are people too. Sometimes they say the wrong things unintentionally. And as difficult as it is for us to step up and say "hey i think you might be wrong there" or "i don't think your approach to dealing with this works for me". Its something we all need to learn to do at some point at our own pace.

The way you expressed the feeling of "getting burned" on BB says a lot about what a kind hearted selfless person you really are. The way you were willing to step back and reevaluate the situation that caused your unpleasant feelings on here whilst also accepting holistically the hurt it made you feel. That reflects the markings of an incredibly self aware and compassionate "healthy adult". I have recently been dealing with anger management issues and when i felt burned on BB i lashed out. Even still i struggle to get back on here because it leaves a bitter resentful after taste that i cannot justify or even fully explain. Your approach to handling the situation expresses to me that anger doesn't have to be the only way to realise and express your hurt. Its possible to be compassionate and forgiving whilst also open about your feelings. Its ironic how able you are to express your emotions so clearly here inspite of your fears of expressing them to your partner and family.

You have clearly gone through a lot over the last few weeks from this thread but as others have pointed out your ability to find the silver lining even in your darkest of yours is the strongest anchor you have to keep you grounded when you start falling into the abyss. And as was previously mentioned BB exists for us to support one another as best we can. And to that end we are all here for you in any way you need us to be.

Lots of love.

S xx