I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Birdy77]

Dear friend,

I'm thinking of you.

I'm sending love.

Just be really gentle with yourself.

Massive loving thoughts coming your way xoxoxo

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Dear Beautiful People from Beyond Blue.

You are all so beautiful and kind. I so desperately wish I could get rid of this feeling of never being good enough. This feeling that I don't belong anywhere. This feeling that I'm not part of my life - just watching from a distance.

The staff here is very kind and gentle and it makes me feel guilty (one of my special talents). I feel like there is this war inside my head - one part trying to get my head above water and another part just wanting to sink into the darkness. I just want this pain to end. I don't know how to stop my mind that's constantly running. I hate the nightmares, because they feel so real.

I'm ashamed to say that I started self harming again. I have not told anyone. I'm scared and confused. I'm trying not to use my PRN, because I feel that I should be able to handle things. I'm scared of letting go... My whole life I had to depend on myself to survive. I feel guilty depending on the people here.

I don't know what to do... I'm so exhausted ... Mentally and physically ... I don't know if I have any fight left in me.

Thank you for the poem, Birdy.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. You are all amazing xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Ghost,

It sounds like you are in a place where you feel safe and where the staff care!

This may be the time for you to let go. Use the medication that is offered to you and escape your thoughts for a while.

Sometimes we have to let go in order to be able to get back up again.

You have not failed! You are trying to endure and to get well again!

It sounds like the people there care, let them know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. They are there to help and support you.

Sending you huge hugs and hoping you find a way to let go and let others take care of you for a while.

Kind regards from Dools

[Ghost_76]

Thanks, Doolhof.

Everything seems to be a battle... My husband phoned me today and asked if I wanted a divorce. This sent me into a total tailspin... He says he thinks that it's what I want. I never said anything to give him that idea. So here I am... questioning myself... I can't help but wonder if this is something he wants.

There is so much going on in my head and now this... It just makes me think that being here, on this earth is hurting them. They deserve so much better. They never signed up for this.

I'm trying so hard to hang on, but I can't help but wonder if it's really worth it.

Why is he thinking this? Is it me? It's always me...

I wish my mind would just stop for a little bit.

[Croix]

Dear Ghost
I guess it can be hard at times to realize it is not oneself, but others when have gone off the rails. Your husband may simply going down his own mental tracks and coming to absolutely the wrong conclusion. While I do not know him in particular I can very much imagine a situation where someone in your husband's position might be consumed by guilt and a sense of failure.

Do oyu think this is a case where oyu need to talk clearly to each other? Maybe face to face or a short letter? If divorce is not what you want I can't see any harm in saying so. He may be reassured.

Trying to do without medication is just plain silly, if you need it you need it. While I can understand your reluctance I do think you are on the wrong path. I've relied on meds for umpteen years, they allow me to live a pretty reasonable life. My late wife was an asthmatic and diabetic, meds were a part of her life. Such things are normal.

Depending on others at times is part of being human.

Croix

[Birdy77]

Dear friend,

If you can let go, and just really, truly float ... please do. It's all in good hands, you have been fighting for so long ... let yourself float for a while. Please?

It must hurt to hear your husband say such things, but he s probably just trying his best to understand what is happening and how best to help you. I think he is trying.

I wish I could give you a hug.

Sorry this is short, but it comes with love.

🌻birdy xo

[Ghost_76]

My Dear Friend,

I'm still finding myself in hospital, restricted to the ward. This is probably a good thing, as I don't trust myself enough to go for walks alone.

My mood is still very low and the nightmares are still haunting me... Got very little sleep last night - woke up to a nightmare, sobbing... I don't know if this will ever go away...

I did something really stupid yesterday... I posted on Facebook that my brother sexually abused me and that my parents chose to ignore it... I don't know why... It was like I was looking at myself doing it, but unable to stop it. All my friends (and some family) sent me words of encouragement, but most of the family stayed quiet... At least now I know who to block, I guess.

Had a long session with my psychologist yesterday. I'm taking my daughter to P!NK next week and my plan was to make it as memorable as possible. After that the plan was to end all this pain for good. Instead, she convinced me to come back to hospital and give life another go...

I'm so torn in two, Birdy. I can't shake this feeling that I'm only causing my family pain and suffering... I don't want to be a burden to them anymore.

Criox... I'm taking the meds they give me and I have to admit it's easier to deal with this pain, when it's not totally consuming me.

So... I'll come back next week and try to dig myself out of this deep, dark hole... I'll give it one more go. They are also talking about a place in Brisbane that specialise in PTSD. It's a 3 week admission and will be in November.

So many things to think off... And my brain is not working at its best at the moment. So, I'm going to take your advice and allow the people that know what they're doing, take care of me.

You are all so special to me and I wish you only good things in life, because you are all angels.

Your friend always,

Ghost xx

[blondguy]

Hello Ghost

Thankyou for being here with us...Your posts are just as valued and respected as mine or anyone else's on the forums

You have done so well by taking the meds and its good that they have provided you with some peace too

Just to let you know this is my 22nd year on meds...to help me with my depression and left over anxiety

Thankyou so much for your wonderful posts and being a part of the forum family 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Birdy77]

To my dear friend ❤

Sorry it took me a while to reply, we had bushfires closeby this week (had bags packed ready to leave).

I was so happy when I read your post. Finding yourself restricted to the ward is no bad thing. A safe haven is just what you need sometimes. I've not been to hospital, but I have self-imposed a restricted ward or safe haven at times, not leaving my house for periods of time because I had to bring in my entire focus to my immediate surroundings, just to survive (or so it felt at the time). Sometimes it's good not to have to worry about external goings-on, only having to concern yourself with you. It is your bubble.

I am really glad you have decided to let others take over the reins for now, and that you will go back next week and let them taje the reins again. Just let yourself go. Surrender to it.

A friend was talking to me about this concept of surrender, and dropping any kind of judgement around it, and that it can be a key to moving through. For me it might be surrendering to my feelings of grief or sadness and depression and dropping any thoughts that I should snap out of it or be on top of it. For you it might be surrendering to trying to control things right now, and letting others take care of you and dropping the thoughts of guilt (your special talent).

You are worth it my friend. Your kids are worth you getting better. The three week placement in November sounds promising and hopeful. Do you think you will go? I hope you will give it a try. There's nothing to lose by trying it out.

How awesome that you are taking your daughter to see P!nk - I saw her when she was here 5 years ago, she is such an amazing performer. We got bumped up to the VIP section right next to the stage, but no matter where you sit her performance is incredible because she uses all those wires and acrobatics etc. I hope you have a fabulous night.

So you posted that message on FB, now let it go. It doesn't matter that you did it. It was something you or your subconcsious obviously needed to do (watching yourself do it). He has gone on with his life completely scot-free. So if there's any fallout now, Not Your Problem my dear, precious friend. You've held onto this for eternity .... you can let all that go now too. And yeah, now you'll know who's in your corner & who to block.

I am thinking of you so much, and sending love your way.

Please be gentle with yourself.

I value you and your friendship very much.

Love from,

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

I am thinking of you my friend.

I hope you are floating, floating, floating.

Wishing you a wonderful night with your daughter when you go to P!nk, and want to hear about it when you get back.

Sending much love and many positive thoughts and vibes your way.

Your friend,

🌻birdy xo