Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Also it's a dress up party, Movie theme. M's son is paying & organising it all. Over dinner I learnt there would be prizes for best dressed as M & sis discussed it with him. So it's also annoying for me to be sitting at dinner with them all & having no idea what's going while M & sis talk about it. I know his son's planned it all but talk about feeling left out from the whole thing. Wouldn't be surprised is M & wifey dress up as a couple from a movie.

How nice I can "drop in" if I want.

[CMF]

So much for being "family". Clearly if it's anything to do with his boys it's him & wifey, not him & me.

[Guest_1584]

Oh God , and then more stuff on Sunday , though you are a mum so l suppose well.

Funny , before l came here l answered youts over on mine and said yeah it's too early to say but l was also gonna say l don't think new mans gonna like it all very much either and then l was gonna say he sounds like he might be more like you to, but l didn't , but he does.

The jacket , l wouldn't be at all comfy using words like that with a sister, and l'm no stick in the mud, but it's just weird. Anyway see your point with the sons party and fair enough and yeah , wonder if you'll end up hearing about them dressing up , on Sunday. Might be lucky your not going seeing that'd push you over the edge.

Anywayyyy, new man sound like a nice bloke , dunno how he's gonna handle all her crap though once he gets to know her. But yeah l figured m tones down at yours and alone , he is more the other way but whether it matters is a real more real time together thing to see l suppose.

Good luck with the wkend anyway eh, big hug. Although your getting more hugs at least than me at the moment , maybe l take the hug hugs back haha.

rx

[CMF]

Well here's a hug for you.

My d said sis is dressing up,M told me he's not. Who knows, maybe he'd rather be here with me?

Will be interesting to see if she walks all over new man, esp if he's like me.

M's always had a happy, bubbly personality. I wonder if I'm too boring for him? We were both yawning in the car on the way to the party last week lol. He did say he's only going tonight so they're not helping themselves to drinks & getting too drunk. Also, It's in his schools' hall so there is a level of responsibility there on his part. His sons' friends can do stupid stuff.

[CMF]

Funny thing is, if it had been handled differently I might have gone. If he'd told me what was happening when it was planned months ago, rather than finding out THEIR plans when my d got an invite...

Don't think he can understand that I'm ok being home alone. When he heard my son was also not hone he said 'well, If you wanna come past for a bit, say hello, have a drink( I don't drink)".... not sure also if he gets it yet that I don't wanna hang with him & wifey. I've actually told him this, yet I do it & it becomes all about them & I stand there like an add on.

Yeah...no thanks. I'd rather do housework.

[CMF]

Come to think of it RX. It's wifey that gets the goodnight kisses, not me.

So I sit here again questioning everything.

It's a shame I didn't know about the bday till my daughter hot invited. Even then, I had to mention it to him.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I agree with you, I would rather be alone at times.
I am sure M will understand.

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

If can't be told about it I don't see why I should make an effort to "drop in & say hi". It's not close by, it's a cold night, little miss & I are tired. I don't need to watch a bunch of 20 year olds drink themselves stupid with my 9year old.

I was excluded from the plan so I'll exclude myself from the party. He's got wifey there, no need for me.

[Guest_1584]

Haaa , thanks for the hug , l'll take it.

Have you got a son to ? Anyway , my guess is m will love it , he's so into social , wifey there, what more could he want. Nope he still doesn't quite get it l see it all the time. He's a bit better and sort of repeats your sentiments parrot fashion, but it doesn't really click, and he'd have to be blind not to see the change in you, buttttt, he still doesn't quite put it all together. But oh well let em at it . And wifey and kisses eh, to me that's weird l'd never peck any of my sisters, cheek l mean , buttt, l dunno.

rx

[CMF]

Oh yeah. According to wifey she can't sleep if she doesn't get a goodnight kiss from M. She may have said that for a joke but it's still creepy to even say it loud.

I didn't get any photos of our kids dressed up so he has learnt that if they're having fun they doesn't involve me not to rub it in. My d says he keeps asking if I wanna drop in cos he wants me there. The way I see it if he really wanted me there I would have known about it from him not my d & not asked if I thought I might wanna pop in.

Mother's day. Going to mass with his mum then back to their place. Great. Wonder if he & sis will be talking & laughing about it?