Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Having a little giggle eh 😄

I had a little chuckle tonight. He called at 5.30pm on his way hone from work. I was already home, having dinner. He offered to call back later but I said it's OK as it was just me at home. As we chatted I commented he'd called early tonight. He said that I sound too tired when he calls around 9pm (after dinner etc)& I'm more talkative earlier in the evening. I disagreed & asked if he had something he had to watch on TV later perhaps. I know he & wife have shows they watch but he said no, not watching anything specific later. I know he doesn't lie but I couldn't help wondering, now that she's back & they have catching up to do. It was a full week apart after all lol. At lunch on Sunday when we spoke about travel he asked what I did when my ex hubby worked overseas for 3 months. Told him I just lived alone. He asked if I liked it, told him I loved it. He looked shocked. I'd get home, do housework or shopping at night, catch up with girlfriends on weekends. I pointed out I'm fine being on my own, i don't need to have someone around all the time. Unlike some we know 😊

[Guest_1584]

Crackin me.

And hey , you probably gave him a heart attack saying you were fine on your own. l love that about you but l know it'd be a foreign and very strange concept to m.

Wonder if they did watch shows , he's developed ways around anything you won't like these days and not getting himself into trouble.

[CMF]

Did I mention his boys went to the footy last Thursday night & then atayed out till 3am. Sis commented about it. She said to them she heard they had a big night (must have been on the phone with M) & commented they left their father to watch the footy on his own. She must have been disappointed she wasn't there for him. I was so close to jumping in & saying 'he's a big boy, I'm sure he can watch it on his own' or 'he could have watched it at mine' but I kept quiet. I'm not into footy & he gets really aggravated, the jokingly commented the coffee table survived. She follows the opposition team, as fo his boys but she made a point she had to change when she moved in. Yep, gotta make sure she's front & centre. Wonder if she'll do that for new man?

[CMF]

Something happened at work today that upset me. I messaged M but didn't go into detail. I then sent another message about something else. I got a message back 'OMG Ash Barty retired'. That was it. No acknowledgement if what I'd sent at all. He may have been busy but if he had time to find out about Ash Barty & msg me he must have seen my messages. Earlier I told him my friend's daughter has Covid again. 2nd time in 3 months. His response was 'always drama in that house'. Yes, there is always something wrong in that house but 'drama' is a bit harsh. Not her fault she got Covid again. He has no understanding or empathy for anything. Their lives are so simple & perfect, happy families. I'd hate to think what he really thinks of me.. am I 'tolerable' so he's got someone when sis moves on?

I'm just done.

[CMF]

Yesterday he called me at 5.3pm. When I commented he called early he said I'm too tired at 9pm. Tonight they had dinner at their mum's. Pretty sure they're usually home by 8.30pm. I wait for him to call when they're home. 9pm still no call so I messaged him Goodnight & went to bed. If he thinks I'm too tired why wait so late? Maybe it's a chore for him now. He has wife, he would know I was having crap day. Guess he didn't wanna know about it. Didn't want burst his happy family bubble.

[CMF]

Ok, rant over. Couldn't sleep so rang him. He giggled & asked straight away 'Couldn't sleep?' Asked about my day, listened, sounded pike he cared lol. We spoke for an hour. I need to stop being negative & thinking the worst but I do wonder why he hadn't called. Overthinking.

[Guest_1584]

He just works on a delayed system ahhh, sorry couldn't resist.

[CMF]

Haha. I know I drop off a bit. Sick of this situation. I wonder if he does, I'll never know. Calls are get later & if ring he's not still having dinner he's watching TV, fixing his bike, just doing something else. I feel like giving me a call is now a chore, something he HAS to do.

Just like you, how long can we go on like this with nothing changing or moving forward? Same thing week after week. He's got all he wants, we'll I think this is what he wants, sis during the week, me on weekends,but am I getting what I want?

Don't know. Won't know till she's gone & I see what he's really like without her.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah that is the thing. you guys have just never really gotten to just exist and be whatever you are as a couple yet , just you, together, for enough of any length of time to really know what you are . Personally, l don't think it's all on you and just anxieties and stuff, it is fueled all the time unfortunately.

Shame easters so short you need mths of normal circumstances as just you, together.

[CMF]

Yeah and unfortunately he doesn't see it or doesn't care or doesn't want to acknowledge,/admit.

That would mean dealing with sis & we both know he can't do that.