Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

So it appears sis' may have been cheating. Not nice.

M& I went for a nice drive today. Lovely day but still low on energy after having Covid.

I have Sunday night anxiety. Feel like crap tbh.

Cmf x

[CMF]

So the cheating bf is def gone. Wiped off all her social media too, like he never existed. Now all her posts are about her covid positive and what's happening at 'resort ______' (their surname). Pics of the pool, of M trimming trees. Reminders she tested positive.

She's never leaving. Great.

[Guest_1584]

looks like we're both on hold forever, check out my latest.

So who cheated , the bf or sis ? Not that it matters l suppose still the same problem. lt's bloody weird you know but do you ever notice how some people in life just will not go away.

rx

[CMF]

The bf was according to his friends. Sis is now working on another body building comp so I guess kids is off the cards. She'll be 42 in a couple of months. Wonder if she'll jump into another relationship like she did with this one? I had told M there were qualities I didn't like about this one, plus what came out in the card reading. All correct. I saw the red flags. M agrees & was surprised.

Told M I'd drop in today. I'll be watching her behaviour,the moment she steps out of line or intrudes M is gonna know about it. I'll ask if we're back to old behaviours & I just won't go there again.

What a drainer

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Damn eh , sorry cm yeah it must drain the hell out of you and your relationship and yet it ridiculous you even have to deal with any of it really. Suppose it was all a life saver back in the day for m but nowww !

[CMF]

Yeah. Went over today, sitting outside with M chatting while she was training. She came out & just interrupted to start telling me about her friend ,& covid. She mentioned 3 times her head wanted to explode with covid. She went inside then came back, caught the end of a conversation & asked what we were talking about. M then told me to sit inside with him while he made lunch, we then sat & watched tennis. She kept quiet. I notice every social media post has to include She has covid. Cleaning up with Covid, training with Covid, online shopping with covid. We get it. She has covid. We had covid. WE KNOW.

[CMF]

Forgot to mention. She didn't give me a kiss hello cos she's got covid and mentioned that they (her & M) haven't been kissing. I know they kiss goodmorning, goodnight, hello but is it that big a deal she has to mention it.

I guess she misses it. Creepy.

[Guest_1584]

40s going on 16. Kissing brothers and sisters weird , that just doesn't feel right to me but l suppose it might be normal if they're close l don't know. l do hug a few of my sisters now and then or they hug me really, I don't really like it though.

Have a good wkend eh .

rx

[CMF]

When sis got home today M's son said 'the boss is home. Chatted with sis today re bf. She's done, doesn't miss him. Not sure he has else someone else. They were planning to move in together end of last year I think, have kids. M of course never mentioned anything to me. She lent the bf $20 000 for his car. Waiting to get it back. He was clingy & trying to be on her level but he just couldn't with her successful business & flashy car. She offered to lend M money for his new car, thank God he refused. Again, M never told me this.

Icing on the creepy cake...when we left I gave sis a kiss goodbye. She said to me she told M he had to kiss her goodnight few nights ago so she could sleep properly. She said they haven't been kissing each other since we've had Covid. This is too creepy for me. She may be joking but I know they kiss goodnight. So she needs/misses a kiss goodnight from her brother. When will she ever move out? She mentioned she's not rushing into another relationship. She needs someone on her level financially & successfully. M's good friends came over today for a swim. His friend asked if M & I would move in together or wait till little miss was older. I said no, no living together yet. It's a 10 year plan. How can we even think anything about us when his sis won't move on from living with him? Maybe I would like a kiss goodnight every night? Her comment to me, her brother's gf, was so stupid. She needs a kiss goodnight so she can sleep. What is she & what am I then? I'm alone every night while they watch shows together and kiss each other goodnight.

What do I do? Speak up again? Tell him I find it creepy? Inappropriate? Ask what the he'll I am? Whete is this going? He's got best of both worlds. 'Wifey ' in the house, me in the bed & a Sunday date.

What do I do? Am I over reacting? I want a relationship with my partner, not my partner & his sister. I don't even know how to tell him? What do I say? He wants me to be a part of his life & family but I don't want to be a part of this creepy thing they have going. It makes me sick to the stomach. I don't even want to see him tomorrow. He may as well stay home by the pool with his wife/sis.

[CMF]

She admitted the last 3 years of her previous relationship she'd had enough. That 4 years was when she moved in with M.

If I told him I can't do another few years of this what would he say? He'd say it won't be years, it won't always be like this ad he's told me in the past. He doesn't respect how I feel cos he's under his sis' control.

I feel so sick. I don't know what to say or do. Her breaking up with her bf changes everything. EVERYTHING.

i want to tell him now, tonight, that I just can't do this anymore. He's got everything he wants, always gets what he wants. What about me?

I understand siblings being close but they are joined at the hip. Her tiny bikinis around him, the kisses trying to bail him out financially all the time, owning him pretty much.

I want to know why he doesn't think I'm important enough to know these things. Probably cos he knows I wouldn't approve. I don't know how to start the conversation. Maybe I'll ask if he's happy & ask why he's happy? What makes him happy? Ask if he thinks this is normal ( he's admitted it isn't). I could ask 'what now? Now that sis & bf broke up, what now,? I'm 'in a relationship yet alone. When hers fail she has M to fill the void.

Oh God I don't know what to do.