Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

We went to a street party on M's Street tonight, happens to be a client of sis. I didn't realise we were going for a BBQ, though we were popping in later. So nice to be with hubby & wife, listening to her saying how lucky they are to all live together, telling M THEY need to organise physio for his son cos of course she's the fill in mum now and stating that she has to drive his son ti his gf's for lunch Sunday. I couldn't wait to leave so the happy couple/family could enjoy together? M & I have something on tomorrow night but he's not sleeping over cos on Sunday they have an annual Xmas bike ride which is fine. He then mentioned it may rain but he needs to be home to look after his son. So I'm confused, is he looking after his son or going for a bike ride? If he's able to go for a ride who's looking after his son? Isn't sis driving the son to his gf's for lunch as she stated?

Which is it and where do I fit in?

[CMF]

Also, sis was telling someone about how SHE built a townhouse behind her house and the plan is that she will build where their Mum's house is and M's boys could have a place each (hers and the townhouse). Funny thing is, M told me the plan was to sell the townhouse payback his sis and she'd move. Looks like she has other plans and as always organising their lives.

[CMF]

Well I've messaged to clear up the confusion but no response so I guess hubby & wifey are still at the street gathering. To make it more interesting, my teenage D and M's son are invited to my D's bf's tomorrow night. M & I hVe tickets to a show that sis bought us for Xmas so my D isn't going to the bf's cos she's looking after little miss but M's son is going, so who is looking after the other son? It's all so confusing and complicated. Guess I was a fool to think things had changed. I don't want to be with someone who relies so heavily on his sis. Helping family is one thing but he has admitted he relies on her alot for opinions etc. Some things never change.

[CMF]

Well I cleared things up and don't know why I'm always looking for negatives in M and trying to sabotage us. He didn't stay over as he has an early ride in the morning and needed to pick up his boys from a gathering tonight and help his son to bed etc after his surgery. At dinner I told him I had come home a little anxious and agitated after the street party, he had noticed I wasn't myself and apologised for the miscommunication in not telling me it was a BBQ. I told what what I heard his sis saying about M' boys having one of her houses each,which contradicts what he said about selling townhouse they jointly own, not just hers.M said it's the 1st he's heard of that plan and reminded me to ignore what I hear his sis saying to people. She has a habit of telling people things that are not actually happening. He also said he thinks she'll move back to her house soon as she was telling someone how she wanted to fix up her fireplace and has mentioned to someone else she wants to have a baby. M didn't know about this so I wonder if it's true or all talk like everything else? Anyway, we had a beautiful night, great dinner, show was fantastic and we reconnected thru conversation I felt. It's Bern stressful week for him with his son's accident & surgery. Tonight was relaxing and his love is so obvious. Mind runs away with me but I'm glad I can tell him when it does and he doesn't judge but tries to underdtand and reassures me.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

That's the spirit cm.

Have a nice night.

rx

[CMF]

Tell me things will get better. My 18yo daughter is falling apart. Last week she received an outstanding ATAR, mid 90's. Yesterday she broke up with her bf of 6 months. He is a lovely guy but suffers anxiety/depression. My d suffers anxiety and understands him but she was feeling the relationship was causing her more anxiety than happiness. She has tried to be happy in the relationship but she just isn't. She is distraught that she has hurt him and doesn't want his family to think badly of her (they won't) as she was close with them. Tonight she visited her grandfather on her dad's side. He was put into palliative care today on morphine and doesn't have much time left. This on top of the breakup, she is devastated. She is going g for her licence Friday, said if she doesn't get it she's gonna lose it. She also has a trial for a job Friday arvo. I know that light comes out of darkness. When things end new things come to us. Ihate seeing her so distraught. Please tell me good things are coming.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh , it's so hard cm. Wish they'd just stay away from the boys tbh but ha, like that's gonna happen.

rx

[CMF]

Well my daughter didn't pass her driving test today. She's hit rock bottom but at least opening up and talking to me now. She actually smiled tonight. Was an interesting night. Xmas eve dinner at M's. Sis' bf not there, I didn't ask why. His boys don't know about the break up between my D and their mate so after dinner my daughter avoided them and I sat with her. Shes worried they'll turn on her like they did when they started dating. It wasn't very nice. There is a particular song I love by a particular singer. I cry everytime I hear it.i have shown M on YouTube several times, he knows it makes me cry. He's seen it & knows it is an all time favourite of mine. At dinner we were talking about this singer and sis commented that she saw him sing this particular song on TV and it almost made her cry so she had to show M. She made a point of this. M didn't react, just said yeah. It was odd & a little awkward like she was copying me/my reaction and saying she showed M when I'm actually the one who showed him quite a while ago. I also noticed she made a dessert tonight very similar to one I took last year, even served it almost identical. Again, weird, like copying me. A female friend of M's sons seems to be trying very hard to be part of their family as her best friend is dating M's son. Few weeks ago she managed to organise a pool party at M' house for her bday. She bought presents for all of them. Even wifey/sis. She is 20 & for M she bought a soap in the shape of Jesus. It read 'with every stroke wash your sins away '. I found it totally inappropriate for a 20 year old girl to give this to a 52 year old man. If a 20 year old boy/friend of my kids bought that for me, I'd be quite embarrassed. My daughter asked if I ever felt anxious at M's cos you never know who'll just walk in or what they'll do. She is right. Really not my scene.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm , just wondering around , bc l'm so busy tonight, not, saw your thread. Sorry about your d , man it is actually pretty hard these days my d had to go for it twice too. Hope she picks up. Wouldn't worry about the friend, she's only 20 , u realize how young that is when you have your own. She was probably just trying to be nice.

So you reckon wifey's ripping you off eh, funny just the other day l was thinking about what's that saying forget it exactly l think it's imitation is the greatest form of flattery or soemthing like that but so there you go. Deep down wifey might actually admire you.

Have nice day hey, merry Christmas.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Merry Christmas. I can't sleep. Yeah, the friend is trying to be nice/funny. I just don't like her in general, bit of a snake. After M's son's 18th she told my D's bf he could sleep at her place and no one needed to know. I hear what your saying re sis too but the comment about the song, how it almost made her cry ,& she had to show M...I dunno. His reaction was weird, like it didn't happen. I feel like he told her my reaction and she tried to make it hers, which is sad...always about her & him. Anyway...another weird thing, the gifts sis gave only had her name on them, not her ,& bf but he's still on the scene. She told everyone the tickets she bought us for the show were from her,not them. I don't get it.

Who knows. I'm feeling down and out cos of my D. I really hope things pick up for her. Her & bf sent a few messages tonight which was nice. She loves him heaps but the relationship just wasn't right for her at this stage of her life.