Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

So I told him I'm gonna re do his room. Give it a bit of me/my touch. He said great idea and i may have to spend some nights there to make sure it's right. Told him also i have ideas for the front garden.

I never sleep there cos i have little miss. She never sleeps at her dad's. M never complains about that. He'd like to go away for a weekend, he never complains that we can't. There are things he'd like to do together that i can't. He never complains.

If i stayed the night I'd prefer sis wasn't there. I should have him sleep at mine. I wonder if he'd be comfortable leaving his boys? Maybe sis can be there seeing as she loves it so much?

[CMF]

M coming for dinner cos the rules state you can visit your intimate partner. Normally Friday night is take away but he asked today if I like salmon pasta as he is bringing some for dinner. I'm curious if it's leftovers or made for their dinner tonight. If made tonight then clearly expectation was he wouldn't come over tonight.m, even though he is permitted. When I asked him for dinner he did hesitate which tells me there may have been a previous pĺan. Will be interesting to know as it show the train of thought. Watch this space...

[quirkywords]

CMF

you are such a patient person and prepared to see the good side in M.
I hope the dinner turns out well and all the best for the lock down.

M cares but it is frustrating for you especially I ally worrying thst things may never change or May take too long.

How was salmon pasta.?

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Well it was amazing. He was making it for his boys and made extra for us. I set the table with a candle, we had wine. It was lovely. We had alone time and chatted about lots. He gave me ideas for his bedroom makeover, we talked a bit about relationships, feeling a, honesty, taking things on board. He said he can take things for granted but if I tell him, he'll pull his head in, which he does. I'd be the same. He started talking about how different sis bf is to the other one and it might be too much for her after being so independent. Told him if they're gonna live together she has to get used to it. I did mention that she's been there our whole relationship and it does get to me, that I'd like to be able to visit him and not always have her there. He understood. I brought up that I feel he'd rather be with them than me at times, having fun and he said it's not always a party like I think it is, they're usually doing their own thing. He did say weekdays are hard, it's late by the time dinner and dishes are done. I told him as much as I love my own company at times I do feel really alone and as though he's rather be with them. He said no, he'd rather I was there which opened a can of worms cos I said yeah, with them. He said with his boys, yes &I agree, kids are a given but I don't like others in my face all the time. He knows that but nice to he able to remind him. He mentioned a few times about being together and growing old together which was nice and yes, I still make him happy. I was honest & told him I feel disconnected to him at times, when we haven't had much time together. It's was a good night, got things out, reconnected, relaxed. next week he's not working a few days but offered to come over and help little miss with home schooling as I am busy working from home.

A great night. No interruptions, lovely dinner & conversation. Just what i/we needed.

[Guest_1584]

Great stuff cm , really nice , have a nice sleep.

rx

[CMF]

I will rx,

I'm past relationships I've suppressed my feeling for fear of upsetting my partner. I've Told M I don't want to do this as it causes resentment. I want to be able to express how I feel, even if it's just venting. I want to feel secure enough to be able to do this, and I am. I just need the right moment, to ehen I'm not too upset so it doesn't come across too harsh. We also joked about him having an overnight bag, so he can sleep over. I think we'd both like that, we're on the same page there. I did also mention that as long as sis is there I feel we won't move forward. Not cos I wanna move in as soon as she loves out, but because she's always around. Told him I like being around everyone, but not having everyone in my face all the time.

I will sleep well x

[Guest_1584]

Haaa over night bag , he should've had one there yrs ago the bugger.

My place is full of gf's stuff , so is my bed room. lf l had another girl over l'd have to spend 2hours hunting it all down and putting it away first haha.

Great talks anyway cm , really nice. And funny but l can tell you something about speaking up , we appreciate it. There's a big difference between just speaking and nagging. One thing l love about gf , she tells me stuff and talks about what she needs and loves or doesn't or having problems with or loving. l really love that about her. Ex w wasn't sneaky as such she just never bloody told you anything , it basically costed us our marriage. l always knew it would cost us very very dearly one day and it did. Even my daughter says mum nags me about the stupidest things but if there's something l really need to know she doesn't bloody tell me , and that's exactly how she was too. So never worry about that stuff , it's really great to know what's tickin , yaknow.

Hava nice wkend hey. 00

rx

[CMF]

So last night M came over for a cuppa. Nice night. Cuppa, relax in front of tv, quality time. At 11pm he gets a text. From sis. She's at her Bf's and had to text M to s how him something bf bought, to make fun of him. I did say something, asked why that was so important it couldn't wait. He said she didn't know M was with me cos she left in the arvo. So of she's at bf's house, that why is she texting her brother unnecessary things at 11pm? Does bf know I wonder. Wouldn't she be busy enjoying time with bf not thinking of showing her bro something? Maybe M was asleep. He responded, she sent 2 more but he looked and didn"t reply.

Just weird.

[CMF]

Lovely day. Sun shining, people outside enjoying the weather. M came over, we went for a lovely walk and bought lunch to have back at mine. We chatted and laughed the whole time, both of us so happy. He got a message or 2 while we were having lunch but ignored them. Found out later it was a friend re football lol. I thanked him for not letting interrupt our lunch. I'm going to re do M's bedroom, so excited. After he left I went online and found the doona cover I had in mind so now looking at accessories. We had a cuppa and cake on my front verandah. The park across the rd was busy with kids playing. M commented what a beautiful spot it is & that I have a gorgeous home. My reply '...yes, and you want us to live at your's'. We laughed and he said his house is bigger. I've been thinking about it. I've always said that I'd think of selling. Prices in my area are really good. His house is bigger, more off street parking. His mum and cousin, with whom he is close, live close by and he sees them often. His friends live close by and unfortunately sis will. He has great neighbours. I don't have family or friends that I'm close with and see often. I couldn't take him away from that. I don't care much for the pool but little miss loves it. His house does have more room. When sis goes I will love rearranging things, making it tidy. None of her crap everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Her body building photo is on the fridge for everyone to see. Her medals still hanging on the bottom of the stair rail. Kitchen bench as crap all over it. Shelves in the kitchen have crap all over them. So much clutter and crap lying around. M has spent do much renovating his house pre divorce. He grew up in that street, it really has been home to him a long time. I would make it clean, tidy and warm. I can't wait to do his bedroom and he likes my ideas for the front garden. It's going to be cosy, soft but masculine, neutral colours. Everytime he walks in he'll feel my presence. That's what he needs , reminders of me. He has a few days off with lockdown & has offered to come over and help little miss with her school work if needed as Im working. I'm hoping the chat we had a few nights ago reminded him how I feel at times. That i d o feel disconnected, that I do feel he'd rather be with sis & bf. Today he mentioned how as he's gotten older there are things that really peeve him off. Told him I'm the same, I'm not gonna tolerate sh@# anymore (hint hint) that annoys me.

[CMF]

Ok. Good feeling gone. Hot anxiety. Maybe triggered.

I'm not an anti vaxer, however I'm not prepared to get the Covid have as yet because of the side effects (over 50's jab). M is the same. Well he was. Whilst riding home from work or passed a vaccine centre that wasn't busy. Went to check it out and got the have. I'm shocked. He completely went against what he said and on a whim I believe. He disagrees. Said we will all end up getting it. He doesn't want to whinge about lockdown yet not get it. He would get it if he wanted to travel, thought that was selfish. Didn't think it was on a whim.

Wow, does this mean the things he is adamant will change ie sis moving out, us living together, can change in a second. It's not about the vaccine, it's about being adamant then doing the opposite. He said he respects my views.

Am I over reacting. I feel it's a trust issue. The first thing I thought was that all these things he says will change may not and he just won't care. If his sis says she gonna stay there, he'll say 'oh well, why not?'

Its not about the jab, I know. Tell me I'm over reacting.