Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Had a bad couple of days at work cos my colleague is a 2 faced moody...... and I cop the brunt of it. Im sick of it. spoke to my office manager. Who said we'll find a solution. Almost cried on the phone with M last night. Today my colleague was happy cos next 2 days she works from home, completely different person. Wanted to go to M's after work for a coffee but he was busy. Work meeting then dinner at their mum's, with her bf I'm sure. Always time for him to be around. M called later but I was putting little miss to bed, I called back he was on a call so went to voice mail so told him I give up today, going to bed, talk tomorrow.to think his s I is had the nerve to say He s only on the phone with me. I haven't been able to catch him at all today ehen I wanted talk to him. God I wish she'd bugger off and mind her own business. Always listening to our conversations when I'm there even though I purposely sit away from her.

Feeling very alone. Its5always when I really want to talk to him he's busy. Not his fault but it's crazy. Something none of them would ever understand cos they get everything they want.

[CMF]

M rode to work today and came past on his way home. It was actually out of his way I think. So thoughtful seeing as we didn't speak yesterday. He mentioned Mother's day. Usually he & his sis take their mum out. I havnt gone in the past as his dad died and I wanted them to have the day with their mum. Today he adked what we're doing. Said he'll let me know what's planned ie brunch or lunch. I will go this year. Usually I have little miss with me as it's Mother's Day but as her dad's mum died a few weeks ago I thought it would be nice if she spent some time with him and I'll have dinner with all my kids.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Fish n chips at mine tonight. Great night but of course his sis had to text him. She just cannot leave him alone. Everytime. No idea what it was about but before leaving he looked at his messages and chuckled. Yet he s only on the phone with me right?

Cannot do anything without her being part of it somehow.

Go away.

[CMF]

Don't know how M and I could live together. He s having his front garden and drive done so his boys can park their cars. He has a pool which he loves. Even when sis moves out, I don't want to live there cos she own half. Plus it's too close to her for my liking. My place is convenient for school and work. I don't want to have to sell or rent it out. I feel he'd want me to move there, cos of the pool and off street parking. Neither of us have enough rooms. Our older kids were so close, now 2 of them don't talk, had a fall out and his son said he wants nothing to do with my daughter.

Fun times.

[CMF]

wouldn't be surprised if last week she texted him as a stir cos of what i said. seriously, nothing can be so important that she has to text him when he is having dinner at mine.

If u find out that she did do that i will be livid and i'll have plenty to say about it.

[CMF]

He has an important work dinner tonight. I'll bet she hasn't sent him 1 message.

[CMF]

On a road to nowhere...

[Guest_1584]

Sounds like my road cm .

rx

[CMF]

Let's stop at the next servo and grab a coffee 🙂

[Guest_1584]

Haa nice, that's what l was thinking.