Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Well at least he was thinking about ya then eh. And you had a great day too , bonus eh , salvage what you can is my thoughts , holidays are too bloody hard to come buy right,

Sis , l mean l wish in ways l had a sis that would've been there like that for me when l needed someone l can well see his dilemma . God she sounds like a doozy though that's for sure. Doesn't sound like the new bf's gonna take her of your hands though , bit of a fill in by the sounds, bugger.

Well you enjoy whatever you can before home again hey. rx

[CMF]

Hey RX,

Well we are home and the remainder of the holiday was great. I kept leaving her dishes - lol- but did help with other things as that is me. Her protein drink bottles were in the sink and on the bench. One morning M did some dishes and told him not to wash them and I pointed out that every morning and night i wash those bottles. He said there was no way he was doing it and i had to laugh. He pointed out that I am too quick and he will not wash them. He also made mention of wanting to get a new Bose system that we saw on tv. When i asked where he'd put it he said on the buffet. Said he'd clear everything off it and put it there. I think all the stuff on the buffet is hers, again, leaving her stuff all over the house. So i pointed out that yes, there is a alot of crap around the house, too many gadgets and stuff everywhere. He agreed, so it is becoming apparent that he doesn't like it and is aware of the crap she leaves everywhere. She sleeps upstairs but still uses the kitchen/living area which she never cleans. M is often saying he needs to housework ie mop the floors etc, I don't think she ever does any cleaning. He made a point of mentioning to his mum on the holiday that i never stop. I was cleaning the kitchen, taking out the rubbish, helping with dinner, washing our clothes...sis did nothing.You are right, he is lucky to have a sis that has his back and as i always say, she is lovely and treats me as a member of the family but she is getting an easy ride with him. M is amazing. He did so much with my little miss, as if she was his own.Being able to spend nights with him was great. We could talk, cuddle up, watch tv in bed uninterrupted. He has no hesitation expressing his feelings. He told me that he always wants to be the best version of himself for me, and he is. The fact that he even thinks about that is so nice. One afternoon i went to our room and just watched tv for a bit on my own as i didn't want to watch what his sis had on. M came and found me and stayed with me. That was a good thing about the holiday house, it had different living areas so we could all be together or have separate spaces.

[CMF]

He bought the Bose and told her the Buffett will be cleared as its oing there. Told him well donr6. I reminded him it's his house too and was his house originally so he's entitled to have things how he wants them.

One to us !

[Guest_1584]

Hey cm.

Well that doesn't sound all bad at all really anyway so l'm glad you managed some nice stuff in there too. Best version of himself god that stuff always sounds like such hard work haha but eh lucky you l guess then right. Anyway sounds like you'll keep on chiseling your way through the sis factor seems to be the main thing with you guys so not so bad really it's just one main thing and he's willing to chip away at it, until one day no more sis eh , she's off into the sunset.

[CMF]

Omg she gets on my nerves. Had fish n chips at M's layst night as it was hot and little miss went for a swim.i was tired and had a headache, not in the mood for her. His sis has a different courtesy car, a grey one. I said I liked the colour, she doesn't as it doesn't stand out enough. LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME! She had to draw attention to what she was eating with her diet.OMG...YESCWE KNOW. Going to be a hot one tomorrow. We have a christening, she said she'll be sunbaking by the pool and doesn't want any teenagers around. Hello, the house has been M's son's home for 20 years if you have a pool, theyre gonna want friends over and they have invited friends over. She may have to suck it up or not wear the skimpy bikini, better still, move out. Lastly, after dinner she went upstairs with her bf to watch a t.v. show. Different story now she wants to watch something with her partner. Maybe I should have gone up there and intruded on their time like she does to us. I'm over her, no patience for her this weekend.

[CMF]

Just realised something. They have a rental that they've just moved to another agent. M mentioned when her place is due to be renewed she'll move that also. Guess there's no plan for her to move out of then. She'll be there till she's ready to live with her bf.

Now I'm down and n or in a good mood. Stinking hot today, we have a christening and I already know I don't want to go back to M's for a swim later. M older daughter will be there for the pool party. I really don't want to go.

[CMF]

Today ended up crap. Went to the christening which was lovely. Teenage daughter was at M's for a swim do I went back there to bring her home despite having a thumping headache. There was a teenage pool party going on, his sis in her bikini. The UFC fight was on. M loves UFC, I hate it. We got back in time for it. I don't think M saw me arrive at his place and little miss have a swim as he was busy with the fight. His sis went inside as soon as M was there, she watched the fight then hung around the kitchen with him. I heard him unpack the dishwasher de despite the fact she was home all day by the pool. I decided to leave even though M's son asked why I wasn't staying for pixza6, said M won money on the fight. I went in to say goodbye to M, he asked why as he was making coffee so I stayed for a quick one. He asked why I was going. Wasn't little miss having a swim? Told him she already did. He told me he almost just missed out on $700, I didn't even know he'd had a bet but his sis said "they" almost won, then corrected herself and said M. So she considers her & M a "they? I couldn't wait to leave, thumping headache. I almost feel he couldn't wait to get home for the fight, he never said it though but I know he was glad he got home. He knew I was upset when I left as he asked if I was ok, I just said yeah, headache.

[Guest_1584]

Hey cm , yeah figured id there was a teen party she;d be out parading around , all class huh.

So m likes a bet eh , been meaning to hook up some online thing l use to love the horses but there's so much more now and l could pick 3/4 of them like fights and stuff. Always been a bit worried l might not stop though way too easy haha soooo, l've stalled.

Bit of a dilemma really with her owning half the house now isn't it l know if l owned half the house l'd be making myself right at home. But it's all a shame for you though you n m could be in such a cosy properly couple situation. One thing l'm disappointed about with my lady she does have a place but back in her home country so we don't get to have that beautiful first few yrs of her place my place thing, love that . Her set up back in her state is a share type thing so we don't even bother and it's all at mine.

Anyway , soldier on eh , maybe the bf will marry her. rx

[CMF]

Yeah it kinda sucks.Thing is, she is a lovely person but I can't handle the amount of attention she seeks & the fact it is like they are married. In fact, at times I think she bought her car not only for the attention she gets but to impress m as she knows he loves it. People who meet them for the 1st time think they are married. Also, If his boys are out, she is home. If she is out, the boys are home. Annoying when I am kid free. I can accept his kids being around but her around frustrates me. Today i went over for a coffee I thought he may have the house to himself but remembered it was a public holiday and she would be home. She was baking in the kitchen, M & I sat at the dining table chatting. She yelled out a few things occasionally but we ignored her. I lowered my voice to tell M something involving my teenage daughter. M told me i didn't have to lower my voice as his boys weren't home but i pointed out i didn't want her to hear. It was private. It wasn't majorly secretive but i wanted to make a point that she doesn't need to be involved in our conversations. We are not a threesome. She may be involved with matters relating to his boys but she does not need to be involved with matter relating to my kids. She came and sat with us. As M and i chatted she held up a pair of earrings for her body building comp as they need to glam up. We went back to our conversation and she said 'and a bracelet' but we both ignored her. I know shes excited but we were talking & she was interrupting, bringing it back to herself as always. Later she went upstairs to watch tv and m mentioned he wants to buy a new bedroom suite but wants to wait till we live together. WOAH! I always joke around and say 'yeah, in '30 years'. I told him when we do he wont know what hit him. there will be no crap allover the house, it will be tidy and in order ,he will not be doing housework on Saturday arvo as i will do it because that is what i do. He said he likes how i have my house in order. He said when we live together he will leave the decorating to me as he thinks i am good at it. Told him I was hoping he had the house to himself today but remembered it was public holiday and how disappointed i was to realise he would not have the house to himself (hint hint). I jokingly hinted that i don't believe his sis will ever move out as i see no intention to. He said i am being negative nancy so he is forced to be positive pete and that she may move out sooner than I think

[CMF]

The FB post about how she made Australia Day Lamington cake 'for the family' but she can only smell it just says it all. The 'good wife' living her happy family dream showing everyone how she's looking after the family with another reminder that she's body building 🙄

If M tells me how great the cake was I might tell him he had a great wife there 😆